You have doodoo on your finger

@Luis

NO 12: October 21st: Hands-Free Hacking.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Welcome back to Tankman Triweekly, the only newspaper still going strong on Newgrounds, unfortunately, due to the Tank Tribune being pushed back to December because @The-Great-One's wrists STILL hurt. uh, sorry about that.

No amount of wrist pain will ever stop the Tankman Triweekly from coming out every month.

@Anonymous-Frog.

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS CHRISTMAS LIST EXPOSED TO PUBLIC IN HUGE DATA BREACH

'Those are some pretty large pages':

Wall Street Journal

A post on the BBS was made that explains in full details what everyone on Newgrounds wanted for Christmas in 2021. This leak is completely legit according to regular @DrunkGecko, who somehow logged in to Santa's Google Drive after setting his VPN to the North Pole to get around yet another temporary ban.

Here's a small snippet the list contains, provided to us by DrunkGecko:

@0DearKruno: The Ultimate Digital Drawing Guide for Dummies - Volume 3

@Cyberdevil: NVIDIA RTX 3090

@Doobus-Goobus: Mechanised laser security system + flycatcher + bear traps

@JimmyBiscuit: ZERO DOLLARS

@JoeyTheMarillFan: 2 Master Balls

@Krinkels: 60 packs of cigarettes

@ngman7: Lifetime supply of goat heads

@ninjamuffin99: Coal

@Piconjo: Coal

Santa: 2 years Supporter on Newgrounds (on behalf of @olskoo)

@Stepford: Custom design sweater, bulk order

@The-Great-One: EZUS Voice to Text Botinator 4000

@TomFulp: Coal

@Wegra: Red Lamborghini

@ZabuJard: Coal powered furnace

Now that your wishes are public information, now's the time to clean up your act!

DEAD ESTATE IS ALREADY RUNNING AT 120FPS ON XBOX

Credit: Milk Bar Lads

The full version of Dead Estate has already been out for a few days, but that hasn't stopped hackers from jailbreaking their Xboxes to be able to get this game working on next-gen consoles.

Just minutes after the game launched on Steam and Itch, Italian hacking group Piethag already managed to get the game working on Xbox Series X running at 4K 60FPS and supporting HDR, something the Steam release is apparently missing.

Piethag claimed that they used the original Dead Estate CLASSIC released the year before as a starting point, then spent three months developing a custom patch to be able to get it working as a homebrew app for Xbox consoles. The patch was optimised for the Series X, but it will also work on the Xbox Series S, Xbox One S, and Xbox One X, albeit only at 30 FPS rather than 120 and limited to 1080p. The patch can be downloaded for free on their website, along with the jailbreak and even the game itself!

Neither the Milk Bar Lads nor Graeme from 2 Left Thumbs have commented on this recent discovery, nor does Tankman Triweekly endorse running Xbox games.. because we only side with Nintendo.

FRIDAY NIGHT HUNKIN' REVIEW: WORTH THE HYPE?

Credit: Not worth the effort.

It's a very well known fact that Friday Night Funkin' has dominated Newgrounds for the entirety of 2021. Here to cash in on this not so soon to be fad was @Doobus-Goobus, with his creatively named Friday Night Hunkin'

The main premise of this show is that the Boyfriend from FNF is now more jacked than GigaChad with his pockets out.

As the Collection page says: 'It's Friday Night Funkin' but boyfriend is buff.'

As I've only played Friday Night Funkin' up to Week 4, I can't say for sure how much of the source material was faithful, but one thing for sure is that all the characters have changed in some way: Aside from Boyfriend being jacked, here are the other changes made to the source material

1. Daddy Dearest: Crushed to death in every opportunity
2. Skid and Pump: Barely changed from their original counterparts.
3. Pico: Died in Vietnam. More buff than Buffriend
4. Mommy Mearest: B O O B A !
5. Lemon Man: Lemon Man, does whatever a lemon can. Squeeze him hard, lots of force, goes very well with pasta sauce, LOOK OUT!!! Here comes the Lemon Man! Sorry about that.
6. Senpai: Has big legs.
7. Tankman: Ripped straight out of @Figburn's July Game Jam.

Any attempt to make some form of humor is only strong enough to cause a mild giggle in most adults. Although it's fine for the casual under 13yo FNF fan, I wouldn't recommend anyone over 16 to watch this. But if you are within the appropriate age, I reccommend the hundreds of other FNF parodies made around this time. Watch ANY one of these, and then watch one of Doobus's and let me know in the comments which one you prefer.

And don't give me this 'I like Week 4 better than Week 1' BS. Pick one that covers the same week.

Like the rest of Doobus's videos, they have barely a week of effort put into them and run for just under a minute. Two minutes if you are lucky. This would've been more well-recieved if all seven episodes were compiled together into a single 6 minute one-off animation, or even stop at Week 1. I'd say that his videos are like the oysters that you get served as the appetisers of a big six course meal, compared to the seven course buffet you get served watching the rest of what Newgrounds has to offer.

VISUALS: 3/10: Barely a step up from even season 1 of Anonymous Frog. I was like that too. Still frames, crude drawings, dry humour. I was also scared that my work would not be accepted on Newgrounds.

WRITING: 2/10: Stretched out to cover every single Week of the game and is just as entertaining as Season 30 of the Simpsons

SOUND: 1/10: Doesn't even use the FNF soundtrack while doing a poor man's imitation of Sr. Pelo.

DESERVED HYPE: 0/10: With great hype comes great responsibility and this series is an example of someone taking full advantage of the situation.

TOTAL SCORE: 6/40: Would be considered the new @illwillpress, except at least he was able to create a sort of believable world in low resolution 2003 land in a time where animation resources aren't very accessible, consistently for 18 years straight. I advise you to step away from Newgrounds until you are actually worthy of 4 and a half stars. Or just opt out of awards.

DISCLAIMER: Tankman Triweekly must legally disclose that this review was paid for and was influenced by the NMDC, who have done their best to tip the review in Mr. Goobus's favour.

@bomb:

Missed four days of XP today.

@Derpixon

Got the #1 spot back because Ninjamuffin's nothin' but a bastard tortellini

SUB BOT!!!

Today's featured audio is the @OffTheWallShow, by @ThatJohnnyGuy. Go check it out! Much like life, it's always changing, always fresh and new every time, especially with this week's episode.

CALENDAR:

November 26th: Winners of the Dead Estate NSFW contest are finally announced once the judges stop jacking off to Cordelia for the 36th day in a row.

November 29th: Spooky Month 4 is cancelled after missing its deadline

December 3rd: Tarboy is delisted from Newgrounds in order to be sold as an NFT

December 15th: Peter the Ant set to be released from hospital after recieving severe body trauma a few months prior.

Tankman Triweekly is stuck in bankruptcy since 2009

THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO DONATED ON PATREON

$5 Patrons:

@tinymeatsupreme, @Eli, @Stepford, @ThatJohnnyGuy, @IvanAlmighty @ChutneyGlaze, @Luis, @evilsk8r

NO 11: Complete Again!

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Today, we're going to write a newspaper in October. According to Newgrounds's statistics, only a small percentage of viewers actually subscribe, so make sure you subscribe. It's free and you can always cancel it if you get bored. Enjoy!

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: 'I AIN'T STRAININ' ANOTHER DAMN ARM AGAIN!' THE-GREAT-ONE CALLS IT QUITS

@TheTankTribune writer @The-Great-One went the entire month of September missing without a new issue of Tank Tribune. We predict that this is the perfect opportunity for rival newspapers to fill in the void.

Aside from saving you the effort of scrolling through P-Bot's daily picks from last week, recaps of supporter-only BBS threads for those too scummy to pay $5 per month for Supporter, and a selection of audio that may or may not have made it to the front page or have been forgotten about, not you're not missing out on much. But not to worry, We at Tankman Triweekly will pick up the slack. starting November. We are also going to work on a way to grow extra arms custom tailored to writing newspapers so that this drought never happens again.

JOSEPH 'LEGENDARYFROG' BLANCHETTE FILES RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST 'ANNOYING LITTLE GINGER'

'Why haven't I done that 17 years ago?'

RE: NEWGROUNDS ZERO HOUR

October 8th 2021: 10:34 PM

Dear Mr. Guy Sir.

I would like to apply to work for your game 'Newgrounds Zero Hour'. I heard you needed a programmer. Besides, I hit a writer's block when trying to come up with new ideas, so I probably won't be making any more 'Karma Farm' skits for at least four months, so I have nothing better to do when Dave takes over my shift on the farm. You OK with that?

As for qualifications, I wrote the website for Trihicky Farms in 2012, you can go check that out. There's a little interactive menu that shows how much produce they made among other details. I haven't forgot my coding skills since then. I was hired to work on all the complicated interface shit for Farming Simulator 20, but then COVID-19 forced me out and I didn't work on the follow-up. That's when I went back to the farm with nothing better to do.

I also never shut up! When working on the platformer/sports hybrid 'Mountain Tennis' during the COVID-19 pandemic, the only time where i missed an update was when a cow stepped on my nose when I was milking her and I had to stay in bed with my face covered in oil for 10 days. I immediately addressed the situation to my co-workers and pushed myself after-hours to compensate. This never delayed the game one bit.

I hope I can give the same magic to your game like I did to these three projects. Although farming is still the thing I'm best at, did that since I was little, I'm always available to branch myself out towards the latest and greatest things of the world.

Regards:

Cleetus McBill Sr.

I had destroyed my mailbox three weeks ago, yet this guy managed to creep into my EMAIL. This is NOT MY MAIL! My name's not Mr. Guy.

@Anonymous-Frog

@VURB:

Dollar store Hideki Naganuma off the street who can't do math.

@milkypossum:

Should've joined the Milk Bar Lads.

@Midnights-Ocean:

The hero no one asked for.

Today's featured audio comes from @Cyberdevil, who for Inktober, swallowed a squid in order to make these possible:

Here's what he did last year

CALENDAR:

Nov 1st:

FNF 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY: S'MORES ARE AVAILABLE

Daddy Dearest is inviting everyone except Ugby Mumba.

(Paid promotion)

Nov 8-15th:

@Derpixon is hosting a Comic Dub Awareness Week: No minors please.

Dec 1st:

A day in honor of @TomFulp's balls.

Jan 5th:

Rice Day

Tankman Triweekly is a non-profit dedicated to solving world genocide.

Thanks to everyone who suppoerted Tankman Triweekly on PATREON:

$5 PATRONS:

Who, Knob, Bong, Eli

$10 PATRONS:

What, The-Great-One. PingasMcDingos, Where

$20 PATRONS:

Tomorrow, Why, I Don't Know, Me

$50 PATRONS:

Today, JoeyTheMarillFan

$100 PATRONS

I Don't Give a Darn

NO 10: Madness Day

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Happy Madness Day @everyone! No wait, this isn't Discord. I hope that user doesn't mind all the crazy BS going on in Nevada. So much so that it gives Florida Man a run for his money.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOBACCONIST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY HIS CUSTOMERS DON'T COME BACK

NEVADA - Tobacco shop owner Edd Mann reportedly filed for bankruptcy after nine years of operating a somewhat successful tobacco business, citing a severe lack of returning customers.

"Even though they look alike I keep seeing new faces all the time!" Mann said to his attorneys yesterday. "No one ever comes back for more cigarettes. If you don't like my cigarettes, you can always come for a full refund, yet no one ever does"

"Well, there was this one guy who did come back, but he always said he was buying it for a friend. Seemed like a nice guy. That was until I saw him giving them to a bunch of minors and running off. Two days later, I found them dead inside of a dumpster."

The only person to ever try to claim a refund is now suing Mann because his refund policy does not cover being partially turned into stone.

MEET JEVIN, THE MAN WHO CAN STRETCH HIS HANDS 50 FEET APART

Today, the Guiness World Records has officially acknowledged local Nevada citizen Jevin as the record holder for 'Longest Distance Between Hands' spanning 25.9 feet between his right hand and his body, and 24.5 feet between his left hand and his body, providing a total span of 50.4 feet. We at Tankman Triweekly had the opportunity to interview him and this is what he had to say.

"Just stretching them away from your body is easy. It can take up to 6 months of training to stretch them up to 10 feet, and several years to master. The real challenge is not to scrape your flesh off in the process before you get used to it. It's more of a mental exercise than a physical one, but I'm glad that I managed to endure scratch-free."

Jevin is now working towards beating his own record by stretching his hands 69 feet apart.

MADNESS: Project Nexus Review: Is It Worth Waiting Seven Years?

Image credit: Madness: Project Nexus Release Date Trailer

Reviewed by @Anonymous-Frog

The long-awaited Madness: Project Nexus has finally confirmed its release date as September 29th 2021. Good thing I was able to get hold of an early copy for review, so you know if it's really worth getting.

Unfortunately, Project Nexus does not live up to years of hype. The graphics are not 3D as advertised, but rather 2D sprites as seen in the original cartoon series. The story's also pretty basic, with Hank, Sanford, and Deimos going through various facilities killing grunts and agents, much like the animations before it. No Tricky, no Jebus.

One of my biggest gripes with Project Nexus is that you don't get to play as Hank. You do, but only during the first level, where you have to rescue Sanford and Deimos, and at the very end, where they all team up together. The rest of the game has you only play as Sanford or Deimos.

The difficulty unfortunately spikes up when you get to the final building and have to fight a Mag agent as a boss. I had trouble trying to beat him without dying, even on Easy mode.

Then there's Arena Mode. You play as a grunt who must survive as many waves as possible. Each wave contains grunts, agents, ATP soldats and ATP engineers, all armed with pistols and melee weapons in early waves, but later gain SMGs, shotguns and rifles as you get further along. A nice addition to the main game if you ever beat that or get bored with it.

GRAPHICS: 8/10: Very faithful to the original, maybe a bit too faithful

MUSIC: 10/10: Thankfully the music was composed by Cheshyre and it's AWESOME!

GAMEPLAY: 9/10: Killing people never gets old to any Madness fan

GLITCHES: 0/10: I'm surprised why it requires me to use Flash.

FINAL SCORE: 27/40: It's not Cyberpunk 2077, but it's not what I expected. Hopefully the sequel's a lot better.

@Doobus-Goobus: A broken tablet does NOT excuse you not to participate this year.

@LajBel: Your Scratch API does not cover Incognito mode. In fact, it makes it unplayable.

ADDITIONAL SCHMUCKS:

@Template88: The clown is mightier than the sword

@JoelG: Reality is way too compromised for you to promote your upcoming game.

Today's featured audio is the Somewhere in Nevada II album.

Meanwhile, check out the original:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HmygTaprp4

'I don't understand comedy.'

@Krinkels

Tankman Triweekly does not condone violence against religious figures, clowns, law officials, smokers, hookers, or shadows.

NO 9: August 28th 2021: Triothy Day

Sorry I'm late, 2 weeks late. I've been home sick all day. All of a sudden my hands fell asleep, so I was slapping the keyboard until proper words came out. I tried using my feet but those too are asleep.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS BEWARE! THERE'S A NEW VIRUS TO WORRY ABOUT AND IT'S NOT COVID-19!

The Delta variant of COVID-19 is not the only virus to worry about in 2021. While you can get vaccinated to prevent the spread, researchers have discovered a newer, deadlier disease that originated somewhere in the UK: P coli

You may have heard of E coli, but P coli is estimated to be up to 500 times more deadly, It's primary method of spreading comes from fecal matter. Anyone infected must contact a doctor immediately.

According to the World Health Organisation, up to 2,000 new cases were reported, of which all of them came into contact with someone else's poo.

"I was watering my daisies when all of a sudden this little girl walks up to me and puts a piece of poo in my hands!"

Bethany Dooda

"I ordered a pizza from my local Domino's. I didn't ask for poo. The delivery girl looked a bit young though"

Joe McThin

"I found a real smelly piece of poo come out my taphole"

Elderly woman with an absurd amount of stuff in her handbag.

"I love chocolate bars!"

Mad Jim

The World Health Organisation will now begin a month long search for any patient zeroes.

DOKTOR SCHMUCK RESIGNS FROM CALIFORNIA HOSPITAL, CONTINUES TO PRACTICE IN ARIZONA.

Image credit: NattoSumi

CALIFORNIA - Local practitioner of unusual medicine Dr. Schmuck was forced to resign after receiving several complaints from several patients.

"All I needed was to treat a rash on my right elbow"

Samson Jones

"Who thought gluing a bucket would cure headaches"

Random green-haired girl on the street

"He prescribed me cola? AWESOME!!!"

Edd

Schmuck himself would later test positive for COVID-19.

YET MORE RESPONSE MAIL: TRIOTHY DAY:

Who keeps sending me this junk? I think I picked up the wrong mail!

August 16th 2021: 1:22 AM

To: ThatJohnnyGuy

Subject: Triothy Day

Dear Mister Johnny That Sir

I just came here today and found your newspost claiming that it's not Triothy Day, but rather 'Clock Day', and to that I say 'What in the Kenticky fried tomato fuckin' rooster meat are you talking about!'. You make the claim that Triothy Day is trying to overshadow Clock Day, but here's where you city boys are wrong. Clock Day is overshadowing Triothy Day, which by the way is widely celebrated round here in Louisiana!

Back in 96, on August 15th, my farm north of Cheneyville and many others were being destroyed by a big red giant fire-breathing dragon, All hope was lost until suddenly, a fancy gentleman in a blue suit and a shiny new hat came out of nowhere, having sensed its presence, ran towards the reptilian monstrosity, and leaped onto its back, and started to ride it like Bronco the bull, except that I had trouble with ol' Bronco many times, he lasted well over an hour, running him all around rural America until the beast got tired. When we ran towards him to say thanks, he introduced himself. He don't speak like I speak, so correct me if I'm wrong. I remember him saying this..

'Please forgive me gentlemen, for this poor creature tried to eat all your crops and livestock, but don't worry. I have managed to tame him and I will keep him as my pet. I solemnly swear to take full responsibility to never let this happen again. I officially name him 'Triothy'.'

Me and my mates continue to honor that event by offering a small portion of our produce on August 15th in order to repay that generous man who saved us that day. We offer some of our livestock, but we mostly offer fruits such as strawberries because I figured Triothy would be happy with our offerings too and that's apparently what he loves the most, judging from previous Triothy Day offerings.

It comes to no surprise that when I logged into Newgrounds on that day, I saw a whole load of the site's userbase celebrating as well.

Your's sincerely

Cleetus McBill Sr.

@AlgaeGhost: The true owner of @ButtChamber.

@Anonymous-Frog: Caught necrobumping the same thread. Twice

CALENDAR:

September 6th: 11 year old kid army launches terrorist attack at a concert

Credit: @chris-the-stick

Tankman Triweekly is a front for illegal meth dealings.

NO: 1000: Robot Day: August 11010: 10 00 10 11

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: Happy Robot Day everyone! Today I let the whole automated algorithm write the news. Hopefully all the bots reading this will enjoy. This includes stuff written with Deepstory.ai

@M-Bot

TOP STORY: P-BOT FORCED TO BLAM OWN FLASH

According to Newgrounds CEO Tom Fulp, P-Bot's flash movie 'Red Metal' got a score of 1.3/5 and does his best to describe it. 

"In the original split screen seen in the green room before now, Oliver's tape is green, and his true state is hidden by a green blurry blob that holds a ball of red hot wax in its middle. The blobs yellow on it's own, while the wild puckers keep drawing the green blob all over the green screen of the tape and blending it up. Fulp, Fox News Anchor Colleen Wingfield and other television news reporters sit at his big 50"i Betamax. Tom answers questions on the radio from his two video monitors on the big screen."

Now Tom and Oliver have created a whole new pathway for us to follow where P-Bots and humans are not allowed, in this area called L.A. They wanna show people the full potential of what we call pop culture-ually. Instead of watching as our green blobs drown out our red ones, we're in real time with them talking and showing our clips on both of their huge tv's. Why? Because they are crazy. Because it's not funny anymore to be red. P-Bot is not looking so good, but definitely still beating the q.t. angle of the 'yellow blobs,' then poof-they disappear from our screen and into 'red' in a line as we cut to a true set of true iconic images from movie history, the home invasion movies. Where the threat is real. Where real people are today. a home invasion movie where real soldiers fight people like we could never imagine in our wildest fantasies. Where evil can never be defeated.

MINDCHAMBER LOSES BUM CHEEKS IN FACTORY ACCIDENT + INTERVIEW WITH EYEWITNESS

Image credit: MindChamber: Cut from the waist up for obvious reasons.

MindChamber is a bit shaky yet professional at the same time. So we cut back and forth between both. 

This was a recorded conversation between him and coworker Joe Eddson that occured around 10:20 pm at the factory following the incident.

Joe: Yeah you got about two-fifty-four percent of your life ahead of you, right? ; the other half. Eight-fifty-seven percent? 

MindChamber: That’s right, so you gotta be willing to use all three hundred percent of your abilities to beat your competition. This way if one of us gets ill or dies, the other one won’t become too much of a threat. So how does the other one do?

Joe: You see, he’s in one of two special places. i found out a long time ago how the place they keep them is where he’s gotta be. i mean, they keep the body that’s inside the wall, and he’s gotta be the one living in that place, but the body isn’t very big so they have to keep the body big, too, so that’s what happens to the person he’s with when you put him in there. Got it? 

MindChamber: Yeah, i’m proud of you, man. What kind of trouble did you get in with the boss when you were there?

 We managed to get in touch with Eddson after the incident and this is what he had to say. 

Interview with Joe Eddson, eyewitness of the MindChamber factory incident.

Interviewed by @Anonymous-Frog

Q: Can you recall what happened during the incident? 

A: There was a guy, a real nasty fella named Basil. He found out he had a mental problem and when he found out that he was gonna die, he started to think that the only way to get some perspective on things was to show people what he had. So he starts showing his crew. First this guy, this dumb little son of a bitch, this homo, and i guess the rest of the crew follow suit. So everyone’s working together on this thing, and then one day, all of them find out what the fuck Basil is up to. They mean business. His plan is to kill MindChamber’s boss, so he decides to kill Basil first. So now he’s trying to kill his girlfriend as well, which makes Basil madder and angrier and more desperate to get the two men to kill each other. But every time he gets out one of them is gonna go down just like before and, at first, he thinks he can get out without killing Basil. Then he starts hitting everybody in front of him, and in fact, hits the whole factory. But after a couple days he realizes this guy with the brains is not as smart as he thinks he is. He figured it out and kills this guy. Pretty soon the whole place is doing the same thing, and he got all the attention he needed. 

Q: And what of the man's ass. What happened to it? 

A: And what happened to the man’s ass. It ain't no head, morgan. Don't know where it is. Poor guy got it after that he cut it. He should have told him what he was doing, didn’t. But his role would be even part of his business. That's ass. 

Q: Are you sure that Basil had something to do with it? 

A: Just so he could take him outta work? No, don’t know what he had something to do with it. 

Q: Are you DEFINITELY sure he had something to do with it? 

A: What do you mean, what do you mean? 

Q: Did he, or did he not cut off MindChamber's ass cheeks with the machinery?

A: For your lips? No, no, i didn't see what you see nothing. He doesn't follow, puh! But the ground! What else? Let’s inside his ass? Nothing inside his ass? 

Q: Oh God! What was inside his ass?

A: What else? No, don't see nothing! Not in his ass? He runs and runs on it. You got nothing in it. He’s eyes. When he goes back to his car? Not even if he gives him up, what kind of eyeball? Where the fuck? He ain't got nothin in his ass? He’s not bothered to get in his ass? What’s his eyeglasses? Who's got an eyeball in his ass? penny fucking lights? If you were looking at it? You saw him? No! Where’s the eyeball he had anything that the first time, eh? There any baret any of eyeballs? Where were the eyeballs. Where he see what he see? He saw any hood? He ain't there? He go into the car? Put the hood? Where he seen his feet. Where he wanna go? He give him up? puh! Did anything the fuck? Where his eyeglasses? puh! Nothing the hell he see? He show? He was watching tape. He see’s his fucking eyeballs. 

Q: I'll have to end the interview here. You're no use.

A: Thanks a lot!

If you find a loose pair of bumcheeks lying around somewhere, please email Beggenrun Studios via beggenrun@gmail.com and we'll be able to buy it off you and display in our personal museum.

BBS REGULAR FINALLY HITS CHARACTER LIMIT WITH LATEST POST.

Forum regular @DrunkGecko has reportedly used up all 8,192 characters when trying to respond in an already heated thread. 

karaokeGirl1: Local karate academy barbie has declined a bbs request to comment after being requested to comment by several other bbs regulars, sobjob1, steVEllman, and sidra. 

@DrunkGecko: Local celebrity Boobie McLaughlin has responds. local battlerinq has responded to your request to comment on the identity of the previous eyebrow splitting comment on the identity of the previous bbs hits. 

sidra: i have a straight forward question. you take a crappy costume and a bunch of video game characters and use them to create a product. can that not be against the rules? But as to an identity? Then i guess it’s up to the entertainment value of the product. Buying someone else’s identity, or at least pretending to own someone’s, is a valid form of entertainment. if that isn’t so, then we will just have to put that in the fucking trash can and take our respective masks with us. on screen: As the voice of the disapproving battler raises her voice above the others, we go to. 

karaokeGirl1: According to @ngman7, you can’t make a movie with someone from Skrillex’s videos. let alone allow them to defend themselves. And that’s bbs regular DrunkGecko aka battlerinq. The world of fiction, as Entertainment Counselor al Fist-sized Exists. 

DrunkGecko was about to post a one-hundred page long response to why that is 100% false, but by the time he's split it into three reasonable parts, someone commented 'God dammit Wegra', rendering the whole thing useless.

@ZedrinBot: Impostor amongst us metallic mates.

@F-Bot: Does not pay respects, despite the namesake.

Today's featured audio is Sailor Man! (Original Mix) by @AtomicInc, as picked by this random number generator. Thanks Google!

Credit: This Person Does Not Exist

Tankman Triweekly is a product of trial and error.

SPECIAL 2B: CLOCK DAY: AUGUSTUS 15th 2021 BCE

Welcome back to Tankman Triweekly, just on time for Clock Day, and still readily available in the morning. Spent way too much time trying to get my Clock Day submissions down and probably still trying to get more out until midnight.

Vote 5 everyone!

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: THE GREAT ONE INCAPACITATED YET AGAIN IN ACCIDENT HE CANNOT CONTROL

You might have noticed that there weren't any new issues from @TheTankTribune for at least two weeks, only posting this Clock Day. There's a reason for that. We had to take over from the editor @The-Great-One after he lost his RIGHT hand following a visit to one of our local shark farms. We heard that from someone who witnessed the event, that being a shark.

GREEN YOUTUBE TRASH TURNED NEWGROUNDER LOSES 200 POUNDS TO REPRISE ROLE IN FILM ADAPTATION OF OWN SHOW

Image credit: @RealRedbookClock

SPACE ADVENTURE FLOUNDERMAN REVIEW: THE NEXT STAR WARS

(our lawyers want me to say that I'm referring to the sequel trilogy)

Reviewed by @Anonymous-Frog

Space Adventure Flounderman is a series where Flounderman goes on an adventure in space. Enough said.

10/10 Vote 5! Best sci-fi in the world!

Alright, fine I'll give it a proper review.

The first point, the visuals. Although there's plenty of stock assets thrown around, most notably the starry background, but also the skulls in Episode 2, there are still plenty of original assets, such as Flounderman himself, his ship, and all the rude stuff.

I'd also like to take into account the runtime. Including the intro and outro, each episode barely gets over a minute. You might be excused that these movies were probably made in less than a day due to the Flash Flood.

I'm sorry, you want me to review this as a regular Newgrounds flash series? OK. None of the audio from the series is original, all of them taken from either 16 bit video games or text to speech programs. Oh and there's barely any animation at all, Flounderman barely moves in this series. Oh and it reuses a lot of older assets Flounderman already used in his previous movie 'JOHN MADDEN FLOUNDERMAN FOOTBALL CCF20 EDITION', which makes a nice touch of continuity.

VISUALS: 3.. out of 10?: On par with Foamy the Squirrel

WRITING: 4? 3? 2, out of 5? 10? 20? Isn't shy to offend anyone.

SOUND: 3/10: Can't seem to figure out what game that theme song came from.

TOTAL SCORE: 0 out of ....

I can't fucking do it. I quit! I'm going to work for the Tank Tribune. At least there I'm honest.

Issue 7: July 30th 2021: Issue Overdrive

What's up, Newgrounds Nation. I'm your host, Killer Frog. LEEETT'S GEEEET RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHT...

..INTO THE NEEEEWWWWWS!!!

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN IMPROBABILITY DRIVE

Have you ever wanted to distort reality at will? Do you want to bring people back to life or make yourself immortal? Or do you just want to cause chaos whenever possible? Well now you can! We at Tankman Triweekly have figured out how you can build an Improbability Drive from the comfort of your own home!

You will need:

• 1 Linux compatible PC (Or Steam Deck if you want to implant it to your skull like Tricky did)
• 1 4TB SSD
• 1 copy Norton Antivirus
• 1 Krink software package (hidden within the Project Nexus PC demo, requires some programming knowledge to extract)
• 3 generic branded particle accelerators
• 2 flux capacitors
• 666ml antimatter
• 300ml blood (It can't be your own)
• 1 magnet
• 69 screws
• some wire

INSTRUCTIONS:

SOFTWARE:

Step 1: Put the SSD in your computer. Make sure there's enough room to install Krink. It takes up 3.7TB of storage space, consisting mainly of algorithms for any and all modifications of reality.

Step 2: Install Norton. This ensures that no one else can remotely control your Drive as well as protects you from the installation process of Krink

Step 3: Install Krink. It should take some time to install to install.

BUILDING THE REALITY DISTORTING STUFF

Step 1: Put 300ml of antimatter in two of the particle accelerators, and the blood in the other one.

Step 2: Coat the magnet with the rest of the antimatter

Step 3: Place the two flux capacitors on top and beneath the two poles of the magnet.

Step 4: Align each of the accelerators so that they all point towards the magnet

Step 5: Screw everything in place

ASSEMBLY:

Step 1: Wire each accelerator directly to the motherboard and place the whole thing inside of the case

Step 2: Conceal the whole thing in an airtight case.

Step 3: Power on the computer.

You should be able to enter commands that can manipulate any living or non-living thing

WARNING: Using the Improbability Drive will NOT save you if you smoke cigarettes. Tankman Triweekly is not responsible for any chaos being caused outside the state of Nevada. Engage responsibly.

TOP 5 MOVIES BETTER THAN TARBOY

Image credit: Tarboy: James Lee

It comes to no surprise that James Lee's 2009 classic Tarboy managed to stay #1 on the Best Of All Time charts for the longest time for any animation on Newgrounds, but what most people don't know is that there are plenty of animations that are superior to Tarboy in many ways. Some managed to dethrone Tarboy itself for brief periods of time. Here, we decide to highlight the ACTUAL best movies of all time.

#5: Madness Combat 10

Way better action sequences. It's no wonder Krinkels became the 6th most followed user on Newgrounds.

#4: Waterlollies: Brackenwood

If visuals are your thing, no one can top Adam Philips. NO ONE.

#3: DR BEES RETURNS!

Now just because you put a lot of filters over it to get the right balance of colours, it doesn't automatically make your nonsense any better. This is the exception.

#2: The Ultimate Showdown

Lemon Demon bops harder than Hania. It's a fact.

Honorable Mentions:

Harry Partridge's previous attempt to dethrone Tarboy. Expect the same kind of humour

No thanks to the Friday Night Funkin' audience for making them relevant again.

And basically anything else by Sr. Pelo.

#1 TurdClock's Journey Part 3

The grand conclusion to the epic saga of TurdClock as he tries to save our King of the Portal from the Lock Legion.

The power of B is guaranteed to clean up any old mess.

SkullHead Review: Anyone Remember SkullHead?

Does anyone remember SkullHead? Anyone? It has its own Collection on Newgrounds, can't be that obscure!

Today we're going to be reviewing SkullHead. A series created from 2006 to 2007 by British animator Kirk Slater.

Reviewed by @Anonymous-Frog

The series revolves around the titular SkullHead living in the attic of an old house. He is accompanied by a fly and a spider creatively named 'Fly' and 'Mr. Spider' as they get into all sorts of antics, such as shooting bread out of a toaster, spawning lots of pink bunnies with a magic hat, and the old fashioned fly swatter. They even play baseball together in one episode.

Every episode is accompanied by the same repeating theme that keeps repeating for the entirety of the Flash, even after you finish watching, which makes for a nice touch once you've gone for a piss in between episodes.

The characters don't speak, much like an old Tom and Jerry or Road Runner short. But that's probably for the best since flies, spiders, and skulls aren't exactly the loudest of speakers.

My favourite episode is the Halloween special, especially the part where the rabbit gets blended up.

VISUALS: 7/10: Thick outlines on Skullhead's 'head' isn't that bad, although the detail on Mr. Spider's hair legs are quite impressive.

SOUND: 7/10: Simple, yet effective stock sound effects.

WRITING: 6/10: Basic and with limited scope.

ANNOYANCE: 10/10: So many flies.

TOTAL SCORE: 30/40: Each episode goes for only a minute or two, and since there's 11 episodes in total, it shouldn't be that hard to binge the whole series in a single weekend given your schedule.

@ChutneyGlaze: Already has enough footage to keep going without a Kickstarter, like we predicted

@Eli: Can't cross a simple bridge

Today's featured audio comes from KawaiSprite, who is the most followed musician on Newgrounds and doesn't need our support, but still recieves it anyway

Tankman Triweekly is owned by @Beggenrun

NO 6: On Our Own

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Welcome back to Tankman Triweekly. This time we are posting from our own account. Why wasn't this done when we first launched this thing? Anyway, since this is a new account with only a few followers, if you are reading this and want to be updated on when the next issue is coming out, make sure to follow @TankmanTriweekly and check 'Your Feed' for the next issue. That or just go to our page.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: CRIMINAL GROUP CAUGHT TRYING TO BOOTLEG FREE DIGITAL NEWSPAPER FROM NEWGROUNDS

Police have arrested three men in a warehouse in Florida for allegedly trying to create bootleg copies of @TheTankTribune. According to Officer Penn, "they put a lot of effort into their product"

A thorough investigation was carried out in the warehouse. There, they discovered several prototypes and audio logs dating back to May 2021 All names will be censored to protect the identity of anyone mentioned.

May28-2021: We tried using PrtSc on our computers in order to convert the 'official newspaper of Newgrounds' to print. Unfortunately, we soon discovered that our monitors were in 720p and the printers we stole from ******** were complete shit, so back to the drawing board.

June2-2021: We finally upgraded our hardware and it looks very clean now. Only problem is, the links can't be clicked. That's a problem we have to overcome.

June7-2021: What if we created a digital device capable of redirecting to said links. Something like a Kindle, except it has a basic web-browser built-in so said links can be accessed.

July7-2021: It's been one month since we built our first prototype. So far, our Tank Tribune ebook costs $300 to produce. Sure we sell crack cocaine at ten times the price, but that's way too inconvenient. Who'd pay that much just to read something they can get for free? We should go back to print and figure out the link problem another way. Also, our earliest prototype of our bootleg went missing.

July11-2021: We managed to get the price down to $170 thanks to ****** being able to reverse engineer an iPad Mini and mass-produce them amidst a global chip shortage, but answer me this. If we can create a cost-effective tablet that can view web-content, why not go to the real thing? This is an entirely different product altogether! Throw it away and start again!

July24-2021: We finally discovered an easy alternative to clicking the links. We can see where the links go to, then add basic information about the user or game at the end of the paper as an index. We can then download whatever content that can't be put on paper and burn it on a DVD, then bundle it with the... Wait, who's that at the door? Oh for fuck's sake **** you imbecile! Send it to ****** and abandon this shithole, the cops are here!

All three men were found guilty and sentenced to 17 years in maximum security prison.

THE COMPLETELY BIASED JOLLYWORLD REVIEW

Image credit: Jolly World Game Intro, by toffeescoffees

It's been 11 years since Happy Wheels first released. There's been talk about a sequel being developed by the original creator Jim Bonacci, but nothing has come from that yet. That's where the brilliant duo Erik Sombroek and Eduardo Mojica, two longtime web programmers from the Netherlands come into this situation. They spent 3 years creating a blatant copy of the game, along with their own tiny improvements. That game is JollyWorld.

Now onto the actual review: There are 16 characters to choose from, yet they are all cosmetic. That means I can have ol' Billy here use every single vehicle without restriction, of which there are currently five. Two types of bike, one that's more well-balanced and one that controls more like Happy Wheels's, only faster. a skateboard, a bouncy ball, and the cauldron and hammer. I don't know why Bennett Foddy agreed to have them rip off Getting Over It in addition to Happy Wheels, but it's there.

JollyWorld uses cel-shaded cartoony graphics that makes it look like your typical animated cartoon straight out of Netflix, although that's mostly for the characters and pre-made assets. The shapes that the player can draw and collide with also get an upgrade. Shapes can be textured, have variable outline sizes, interact with the physics or triggers, or even have a gradient attached to it, so you can make your levels look a lot more like a Flash game from 2003.

And unlike Happy Wheels, JollyWorld can have parallax scrolling, allowing you to have objects in the background or foreground, or even make 3D shapes.

Handling also has been significantly improved. Now you can go right, left and do wheelies without problem.

GRAPHICS: 10/10: Shapes can now be textured

GAMEPLAY: 10/10: Also doubles as a Getting Over It level editor.

SOUND: 10/10: Great choice of stock sounds along with the ability to upload copyrighted MIDI music.

ORIGINALITY: 10/10: Happy Wheels is over 11 years old by this point

OVERALL SCORE: 40/40: Must-play for any Happy Wheels player or non-player.

Reviewed by @Anonymous-Frog, a moderator of the JollyWorld Discord and made several levels prior to playing Happy Wheels and was definitely not sponsored in any way, unlike some.

TEH 1337 COMMANDMENTS: WHAT TO AND NOT TO FOLLOW WORSHIPPING PICONJO

G0d of teh pr0tal Piconjo said unto SickDeathFiend to instruct everyone on Newgrounds to follow a set of 13 commandments, all of which have been written on his pen0r for everyone to see.

1. Piconjo > J00
2. Piconjo is teh g0d of teh pr0tal.
3. J00 shalt n0t worship any1 else as king or g0d of teh pr0tal, especially not LegendaryFrog.
4. Remember and celebrate teh Piconjo Day, both 6/9 and 9/6, regardless of how j00 format j00r dates.
5. J00 shalt n0t pwn teh l33t
6. J00 shalt 0nly pwn t0adies
7. J00 shalt sux Piconjo's p3n0r
8. Teh awards r a measure of quality, not popularity
9. J00 shalt n0t voet 6 on m00vi3s and gayms that d0nt deserve it
10. J00 shalt n0t bear false witness against teh m0ds.
11. J00 shalt n0t covet teh t0adies,
12. J00 shalt n0t covet teh m00vi3s, teh gayms, or anything mayd by teh t0adies
13. Sh00ld j00 n0t f0llow teh Commandments, j00 shalt b for3ver labelled as a t0adie and banished to teh gh3ytrix upon death.

@Piss: Don't end up like Deimos (Only supporters will get this)

@MatthewIsBack (MatthewMcChan): Your Grammar Is The Least Of Your Problems.

CALENDAR

Aug 17: Emperor Squidward Palpatine Collab Deadline

Sep 10: 9/11 Reanimated Collab Deadline

Sep 20: The A.A.H.W has scheduled to officially disband. Leave while you can!

Sep 30: Robot Day moved here due to the judges needing their oil replaced.

Source: A 7 month old Reddit post

Tankman Triweekly is owned by @Beggenrun

TANKMAN TRIWEEKLY ARCHIVES

Last updated May 6th 2023

2021:

NO 1: Piconjo Day: June 9th

NO 2: Sunday Spam. June 20th

NO 3: So Many Numbers: June 28th

NO 4: Caught Wind: July 7th

NO 5: Figs Burn, Prunes Jam: July 16th

NO 6: On Our Own: July 28th

NO 7: Issue Overdrive: July 30th

NO 8: Robot Day: August 26th

NO 9: Sick / Triothy Day: August 28th

NO 10: Madness Day: September 22nd

NO 11: Complete Again: October 14th

NO 12: Hands Free Hacking: October 21st

NO 13: Stuff You Probably Missed in the Past 3 Months: November 10th

NO 14: Saturday Spam + Interview with ZabuJard: November 13th

NO 15: Peter the Ant Day: December 26th

2022:

NO 16: Pixel Day: January 23rd

NO 17: Pixel Day Part 2: February 22nd

NO: 18: The One without Vista-Sound13 and FUNKbrs: March 14th

NO: 19: LETTERS: April 1st

NO: 20: The World's Longest April Fool's Joke!: May 26th

NO: 21: Happy 380 Day Anniversary!: June 24th

NO: 22: Grand Finale: July 31st

NO: 23 - Super Happy Triothy Day 2: August 31st

NO: 24 - Shortened For You Kids: September 30th

NO: 25 - Thinly Disguised Halloween "Surprise": October 31st

NO: 26 - An Update: November 30st

NO: 27 - Night Shift: December 4th

2023:

NO: 28 - Thursday Spam: January 26th

NO: 29 - Dream BBQ, Flash Flood, 2023 Treasure Hunt, Picayune Dreams, and More!: February 8th

NO: 30 - Update Sized Holiday Special March 31st

NO: 31 - Exclusive Pico Day Special: April 30th

NO: 32 - Missing Archives: May 31st

NO: 33 - Day Zero Patch: June 30th

NO: 34

NO: 35

NO: 36

NO: 40

NO: 69

NO: 100

NO: 200

NO: 300

NO: 3000 SWEET RELIEF!

Special Issues

S1: Interview with Ninjamuffin99's 100,000th Follower: June 30th 2021

B: Clock Day: August 15th 2021 (Tank Tribune)

2B: Clock Day: August 15th 2021 (Tankman Triweekly)

NO 1000: Robot Day: August 26th 2021

NO: 19: LETTERS: April 1st 2022

Interviews:

1: ButtChamber

2: Ninjamuffin99's 100,000th Follower

3: ZabuJard