NO 9: August 28th 2021: Triothy Day

Sorry I'm late, 2 weeks late. I've been home sick all day. All of a sudden my hands fell asleep, so I was slapping the keyboard until proper words came out. I tried using my feet but those too are asleep.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS BEWARE! THERE'S A NEW VIRUS TO WORRY ABOUT AND IT'S NOT COVID-19!

The Delta variant of COVID-19 is not the only virus to worry about in 2021. While you can get vaccinated to prevent the spread, researchers have discovered a newer, deadlier disease that originated somewhere in the UK: P coli

You may have heard of E coli, but P coli is estimated to be up to 500 times more deadly, It's primary method of spreading comes from fecal matter. Anyone infected must contact a doctor immediately.

According to the World Health Organisation, up to 2,000 new cases were reported, of which all of them came into contact with someone else's poo.

"I was watering my daisies when all of a sudden this little girl walks up to me and puts a piece of poo in my hands!"

Bethany Dooda

"I ordered a pizza from my local Domino's. I didn't ask for poo. The delivery girl looked a bit young though"

Joe McThin

"I found a real smelly piece of poo come out my taphole"

Elderly woman with an absurd amount of stuff in her handbag.

"I love chocolate bars!"

Mad Jim

The World Health Organisation will now begin a month long search for any patient zeroes.

DOKTOR SCHMUCK RESIGNS FROM CALIFORNIA HOSPITAL, CONTINUES TO PRACTICE IN ARIZONA.

Image credit: NattoSumi

CALIFORNIA - Local practitioner of unusual medicine Dr. Schmuck was forced to resign after receiving several complaints from several patients.

"All I needed was to treat a rash on my right elbow"

Samson Jones

"Who thought gluing a bucket would cure headaches"

Random green-haired girl on the street

"He prescribed me cola? AWESOME!!!"

Edd

Schmuck himself would later test positive for COVID-19.

YET MORE RESPONSE MAIL: TRIOTHY DAY:

Who keeps sending me this junk? I think I picked up the wrong mail!

August 16th 2021: 1:22 AM

To: ThatJohnnyGuy

Subject: Triothy Day

Dear Mister Johnny That Sir

I just came here today and found your newspost claiming that it's not Triothy Day, but rather 'Clock Day', and to that I say 'What in the Kenticky fried tomato fuckin' rooster meat are you talking about!'. You make the claim that Triothy Day is trying to overshadow Clock Day, but here's where you city boys are wrong. Clock Day is overshadowing Triothy Day, which by the way is widely celebrated round here in Louisiana!

Back in 96, on August 15th, my farm north of Cheneyville and many others were being destroyed by a big red giant fire-breathing dragon, All hope was lost until suddenly, a fancy gentleman in a blue suit and a shiny new hat came out of nowhere, having sensed its presence, ran towards the reptilian monstrosity, and leaped onto its back, and started to ride it like Bronco the bull, except that I had trouble with ol' Bronco many times, he lasted well over an hour, running him all around rural America until the beast got tired. When we ran towards him to say thanks, he introduced himself. He don't speak like I speak, so correct me if I'm wrong. I remember him saying this..

'Please forgive me gentlemen, for this poor creature tried to eat all your crops and livestock, but don't worry. I have managed to tame him and I will keep him as my pet. I solemnly swear to take full responsibility to never let this happen again. I officially name him 'Triothy'.'

Me and my mates continue to honor that event by offering a small portion of our produce on August 15th in order to repay that generous man who saved us that day. We offer some of our livestock, but we mostly offer fruits such as strawberries because I figured Triothy would be happy with our offerings too and that's apparently what he loves the most, judging from previous Triothy Day offerings.

It comes to no surprise that when I logged into Newgrounds on that day, I saw a whole load of the site's userbase celebrating as well.

Your's sincerely

Cleetus McBill Sr.

@AlgaeGhost: The true owner of @ButtChamber.

@Anonymous-Frog: Caught necrobumping the same thread. Twice

CALENDAR:

September 6th: 11 year old kid army launches terrorist attack at a concert

Credit: @chris-the-stick

Tankman Triweekly is a front for illegal meth dealings.