NO 50: Death and Triweekly

"ooooooooooooooh! Happy Halloween!"

Insert deceased NG user here.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR.

Good afternoon Newgrounds. This is the big one. Tankman Triweekly has hit issue #50.

I wanted to play Elton John's 1983 classic "I'm Still Standing" for the occasion, but since we don't have the rights, so the only thing we can do is mention the title and hope you find it on YouTube or Spotify, and play that in the background as you read.

Either way, I hope you all had a good Halloween.

David S. Pumpkins

BREAKING: DONALD TRUMP DIES OF HEAT EXHAUSTION WEARING SUBLO COSTUME

Image credit: @Aaron-Long

AMERICA - Former President of the United States Donald Trump had died standing outside a local Subpar.

The Republican presidential candidate attempted to film a publicity stunt at the location, where he would be hired as a street mascot intended to temporarily replace their Sublo. His job, stand outside and attract customers.

According to Tangy Mustard, Trump suffered a heat stroke whilst wearing costume and was pronounced dead by paramedics.

"The old Sublo had to call in sick this week. At the end of the day, who'd have thought it'd be the new one who'd sink?"

We interviewed the location's manager, Dick Wubhamer. Mr. Wubhamer was initially intrigued by the event, but later expressed regret over the whole thing as it later delved into madness.

"It was a weird thing to do for a presidential campaign" Dick Wubhamer said to reporters, "During the interview, he told me that Subpar was his favourite fast food chain and he wanted to see some proud Americans work, but with politicians like Trump, I'm always skeptical about his claims. We wanted to reject him, but without Sublo, how are we supposed to sell subs? No-one else over the age of 60 were applying. In the end, I pretty much had no choice but to let him do his thing. His only request was to allow his camera crew to stand on the other side of the road, as if I wasn't fucking doing that already!"

The moment Donald Trump stepped outside, two large groups of morbidly obese people showed up in droves, which Wubhamer claimed to be "an incredible success". The first group, mainly older white men wearing MAGA hats and American flag singlets that fail to cover their belly button, greeted themselves whilst shaking Trump by the hand, before ordering their food. The other group refused to enter the building, instead staging a public boycott. They were eventually escorted out by security as their protest began to spread.

After an hour, more people from both crowds showed up, just as divided as before. Both parties eventually scatter

"It was a disaster, One of them even tried to shoot us! Luckily they only hit Katy"

Two more hours pass, and fewer people pass by, let alone show up. Social media began to pick up about what just happened. Another hour passes, and Trump's face began to fog up from behind the costume. His periscope, which already has long strands of yellow hair poking out, started to emit steam, while the suit itself began to glow red.

A cameraman rushed over to try to help Trump, but Mr. Wubhamer insisted that Trump would not remove the costume until his shift ends. Tangy Mustard on the other hand, proceeded to call 911, whilst still in character.

By the time an ambulance arrived on the scene, Trump had already dropped dead, stewing away in his own orange makeup and sweat. He was 78.

CONFIRMED: IT IS HARDER TO FIND CORDELIA'S EYES THAN HER G-SPOT

Image credit: @Stradomyre

Dead Estate has been making news again, thanks to its last hurrah, the "Good Night" update. We at Tankman Triweekly would like to ask the most important question of all, something that has been bugging many fans for years.

Cordelia, the witch. Where are her eyes?

The colour, location, and even existence of the purple witch's peepers has eluded the NG community for over 4 years, and not a single person has ever been able to accurately describe or portray them.

Some have speculated she's been covering them with a 'blindfold', similar to 2B from NieR Automata, but this has not been proven, since no one has ever looked at her face longer than they've been looking at her tits.

@Edeshye, among a few people were able to find her nose.

@KarrotKae claimed to have spotted them back in 2021. One user speculated that they have faked it, using Ranni from Elden Ring as a stand-in, but given the style, and that it's in black and white, there's no way of knowing.

@Speedo thought he had found one in an official trading card, but later admitted that he had drawn over the card.

We thought we would've given up on the search, until we found insider knowledge from one of the characters.

The anonymous source, whom we shall only refer to as "J", claimed to be one of the few to actually get into bed with her.

"I've slept with a lot of things. She's got big feet, she has two clitorises, but nope, I have not seen her eyes. I've found a lot of crazy things over the years, from the Holy Grail, the Loch Ness monster, a genuine UFO. But no witch eyes, she wouldn't let me touch there.

PS: Word of caution: Do NOT tittyfuck her. I've learned this the hard way and I've lived the rest of my life as a girl ever since."

At press time, a local breast augmentation plastic surgeon faces a malpractice lawsuit.

Oct 4th:

JJ faces mass criticism over a shitty song.

No, the other one.

Oct 9th:

Someone finally remembers SkullHead.

Oct 12th:

Rare pull-string Pump plushie with unused dialogue enters circulation.

Oct 18th:

Rare pull-string Pump plushie goes up for auction on eBay.

Oct 20th:

Decent puzzle game clickbaits several Lock Legion members.

Oct 22nd:

Actor Tom Hanks bids $40 for rare plushie.

Oct 25th:

@TheTankTribune has tragically been delayed again, after previously being delayed due to recent East Coast hurricanes.

This is a notable and well-documented occurrence that has happened multiple times over the last 4 years. Most notably there was a HUGE gap between issues #99 (Feb 18th) and #100 (July 7th).

Cited reasons include memory issues, hand injuries, family and personal matters, sharks, the mafia, rival newspapers, and constant redesigns.

We cannot guarantee that this will never happen again, but we can provide new issues to readers in need.

Oct 27th:

"Dick Nick on temporary hold. Larry and Roger are going to vote and I haven't been able to contact them ever since."

Detective Nicolas Dick

Oct 28th:

Musician Junkie XL bids $80 for rare plushie

Oct 31st:

Necro Nancy HD remaster fails to show up due to input lag.

Nov 3rd:

@TomFulp wins plushie auction, writes off $3,000 as "business expense".

November:

Tankman Triweekly gets yet another redesign, and this time I swear it's going to be perfect, timeless and I swear to God, the last goddamn time!

Tankman Triweekly does not recommend using Windows 10.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR.

Good afternoon Newgrounds. I would've gotten this done before Madness Day, bu.u u ut...

:(

A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer.

If this is the first time you've seen this stop error screen, restart your computer. if this screen appears again, follow these steps:

1. Check to make sure any new hardware or software is properly installed.
2. If this is a new installation, ask your hardware or software manufacturer for and Windows updates you might need.
3. Try booting up in safe mode
4. Unplug all printers, modems, etc, then try rebooting.
5. Locate the Windows directory.
6. From that directory, delete all 10GB of porn that you DIDN'T download from Newgrounds.
7. Stick your cock into the CD/DVD drive.
8. If you don't have a cock, contact your local gender reassignment surgeon for an operation, THEN repeat step 5.
9. If your device doesn't have a CD/DVD socket, stick your cock in the USB socket.
10. If your cock doesn't work, try @DrunkGecko's cock. Otherwise, skip to step 13
11. Boot in improbability mode.
12. While in improbability mode, press CRTL + ALT + B, then type "god dammit wegra" 100 times.
13. Wait 10 minutes for Senpai to fade in your monitor.
14. If you feel a tingly buzz in your lower abdomen, remove cock from the computer.
15. Engage Senpai in a rap battle. Don't worry about coming up with lyrics on the spot, just make up some gibberish.
16. Win the rap battle
17. Realize you just wasted 20 minutes of your life and that you are nowhere close to fixing your computer

If problems continue, email support@newgrounds.com for assistance. Or just get Linux.

"Don't take 2 weeks off!"

OrangeClock

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Good evening Newgrounds! Writing these articles seem to be making me dizzy. IDK how it's happening or what is causing them, but this never happens when I write stories about video games.

Palette Swap Mag Editor in Chief

TANKMEN STICKING THEIR COCKS IN SPAGHETTI: "NOT APPROVED" By Lionfield

A viral video created by Tankmen 'Captain' and 'Steve' received a harsh reaction response by Lionfield, an Italian YouTube and TikTok channel consisting of musicians Matteo Salvatori and Emiliano Santoro. The duo has over 10 million followers across multiple platforms.

The video starts with Steve snapping spaghetti in half, then in quarters, before adding them to a pot of what looks like . The duo moan in disgust, having seen that exact thing happen multiple times.

"There's not enough water in that thing.", Captain says, as he tops up the pot with a can of Prime Energy.

"Are you-a boilin' da spaghetti into-da Prime Energy?" Emiliano screamed

Captain then creates a sauce using expired tomatoes and chopped-up hotdogs. He seals the sauce in foil and 'cooks' it in a dishwasher.

"a-WHY-a!?!? Itsa gonna be covered in-na soap" Matteo proclaimed whilst holding two crosses. Emiliano holds another two.

Once the pasta is finished, the Tankmen then begin to have sex with the still warm pasta, laughing as they do so. They finish off by ejaculating on top.

The video ends with the 31 year old musicians/influencers proclaiming "NOT APPROVED".

At press time, as march music plays in the background, a refurbished M13/40 tank starts approaching the Tankmen's signature black and white tank.

Good evening Newgrounds: This is Dick Nick, Internet Detective by day, paranormal hellhunter by night. Today's case continues where I left off in issue #45. I'm currently looking into the Old Order of Underworld Retro-Theists, or O.O.U.R.T for short. I am accompanied by Cleetus McBill Sr. an ol' country fella who suffered over a decade of trauma at the hands of an artist who disappeared almost a year ago. We've left out his public alias to protect McBill's sanity.

To start off, I've successfully managed to open up a gateway to the underworld. Don't ask how I did it. According to my research, there should be eight layers before we reach the core, Worst case scenario, we may need to go to all nine sections.

The gateway opened from the ground, revealing a long staircase with no discernible end. Walking down it,

Layer 1:

At the bottom of the staircase, we reach a maze, each pathway resembling a school hall, complete with

Two orange-hooded figures approach us, their tall statures and faces hidden in shadow makes them look foreboding.

"Don't be alarmed, we're just humble keepers of Dipthong" they said in a slow tone. "We just want to know, who are you two and what is your purpose here?",

I replied: "I am Nicholas Dick, internet detective, and this is my guest, Cleetus McBill Sr. We are here on a quest for answers; ie. mainly those regarding McBill's tormenter"

"You mean Zero?": the figure on the left replied. "Dipthong: Zero?"

"Is that what you guys call him?", McBill replied.

"Clearly you guys don't know the lango" the figure on the right said. "We, the keepers of Dipthong assign aliases to every member. We have a strong ranking system. Goes like this:"

"Vente Junior: this is your basic low-ranking, not quite members.

Vente:

Grand Dipthong (or Grand D): At this rank we earn the orange robes.

Grand D Master (or simply Master):

Supreme Oourt: This is the top of the top.

"Depending on your skillset, you can learn all sorts of powers such as increased precision, stamina, accuracy, and creative drives, mixed martial arts, and even superhuman and other 'impossible' feats such like force fields, plasma beams, levitation, mind manipulation, the such. You're gonna need these skills to traverse the latter layers of the Underworld. They can be very dangerous, even for a G"

"And how do we get to the 2nd layer?" I ask. "This whole place is making my head spin!"

"The right path comes from the mind!", they both said. Like what is that supposed to mean?

"Even the strongest and most effective warriors leave a trail". Speak English you fools!

"The second layer leads to one of the lockers."

I check every single locker, every single hall, every single turn, each one of them bigger than I expected. Each one of them linked to an alias, but nothing seemed to click, much less lead to anything. Ultimately I come across a kid, no younger than 14, getting smacked by an older man. Each hit getting harder and harder.

"Impatient! Impatient!", the man screamed. "At this rate, if you keep this behavior up, you are nothing!"

After 20 hits, the boy runs away in tears. Suspecting this to be a clue, I chase after him, running past multiple Dipthong theists, including a few Ventes. When he stopped to check his locker, I tried to catch him, but he disappeared in blue smoke. I checked that same locker, only to see there's no name on the label. Bingo! It's a gateway leading up to...

Layer 2:

The next layer looked bleaker. There are no lockers, not even the one I exited, and the walls get greyer the more we moved past them. McBill was getting tired, but after another 20 minutes, that tiredness seemed to go away.

We both started hallucinating, the perspective shifting all over the place, left, right, you name it. We pretty much had to force our brains to re-distort in order to figure out what happened, the process took over 2 hours and it's hurting a very specific part of my brain.

I tried to massage it to numb the pain, only for another puff of blue smoke to come out, this time taking a darker form.

Dicks. Lots of dicks. Assholes who point their fingers at their crotches as kids watch (or try not to) To me, it seems like these are probably coming from the mind of Zero, not just because that's literally what he did. I try to fight these appraritions with my Kung Fu skills, but every time I beat one of them to blue dust, another one appears behind me and gets a surprise hit on me.

After 300 'kills', one of the kids begins to scream. Not sure what to do, I try to approach the kid, only to get sucked into its mouth. This leads use to..

Layer 3:

This layer depicts a massive city. And I mean massive massive. Imagine each building the height of the Burj Khalifa. Now imagine yourself the size of a tennis ball. That's how big these are. Now imagine an earthquake, except no, you don't need to, the ground is shaking and we both got shaken around.

A shadowy figure approaches. A giant reptilian creature roars at us, it appeared as if it were a cross between Godzilla and an over-abundantly oversized gecko. , only to encounter someone else glowing blue.

Behind us was a sleek, middle-aged looking man, wearing an orange robe, but his hood is down, revealing a handsome, chiseled face, a medium-length grey beard, and no mustache.

The man leaped high into the air, stops at the monster's eyeball, kicks it blind, then jumps out of the way of a claw strike, which takes out its other eye. The man then lands back on the ground, the monster trying to step on it, only to be picked up and thrown at some buildings, rendering it unconscious. Both the monster and the man disappear again, only for 20 smaller, more diverse monsters to show up. Obviously, we can't beat them on our own, the only way out is escape.

We ran away from the monsters, only for 3 more to pop up in front of us, forcing us to make a detour.

I asked Cleetus if he was willing to experiment with something. The idea is, the more pain in his head he feels, the closer we can make it to the exit. He'd pretty much be a metal detector. He didn't agree with this idea, but I liked it enough to do it without consent. Ultimately, he screamed his way to a nest containing Gecko-zilla eggs. His pain still didn't go away, so I tried to comfort him. Nothing seemed to be working, except when I took the eggs and made him the world's largest omelette. That seemed to do the job, but his farts started to turn blue. Ultimately, he passed his shit on the floor, which was also blue. It too sucked us in, leading to the 4th layer.

To be concluded!

And that concludes our investigation. 3 layers down, 6 more to go! Stay tuned for #49 of Tankman Triweekly for more!

CALENDAR

News of the past, present, and future.

Aug 3rd

Sprite community revolts against low-poly community for relevancy.

Aug 4th

Shrinkflation? Does that affect newspapers?

Aug 8th

@NoobClock666 meets Max Design Pro and his 'colourful' cast of characters. It goes as well as you expect.

Aug 15th:

Why do we even put that on the calendar. Whatever day this is is already tattoo'd inside everyones' brains!

Aug 18th:

Doobus Goobus joins DeviantArt

Aug 26th:

Desire to start using ChatGPT increases tenfold, but ultimately

Aug 27th:

Popular animator MIGHT make a movie about the Sonic 3 trailer.

Aug 31st:

Newgrounds app starts development... on the Sega Master System.

Tankman Triweekly is the #1 hater of bananas.

"May the Force be with you!"

Stamper

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Good evening Newgrounds! I heard this news system "Tankman Triweekly" needed a new editor, and I figured I might as well apply.

Remember to throw this site a few credits!

Jocasta Nu

TOP 10 NEWGROUNDS CHARACTERS WHO MIGHT BE FORCE-SENSITIVE:

#10: Fugger from Bridge Kids

Creator: @Nihaho and @MikeCarf

Reported midichlorian count: 8,500

In the pilot episode, he definitely slowed that guy's fall. I think he might've pulled a mind trick as well.

#9: Boyfriend from FNF

Creator: @ninjamuffin99 and @phantomarcade

Midichlorian count: 8,999

Tried to join the Jedi Order, was expelled because attachments are forbidden. Please keep him away from dark side users, Sith or otherwise.

#8: Bitey

Creator Adam Philips

Reported midichlorian count: 9,300

He's can jump super high, can blend in in a group of Wookiees, and he might be proficient with a lightsaber if he found one lying on the ground. As of today, the Jedi were not able to catch him.

#7: Sanford

Creator: @Krinkels

Reported midichlorian count: 11,000

Tricky has the Improbability Drive and Jeb has his halo, what does Sanford have? How else could he keep up with the Auditor and his shenanigans?

#6: Chelsea Phillips

Creator: @BroSkullEmoji

Reported midichlorian count: 12,000.

She seems kinda emo-ish. Could be a dark side user.

#5: Bob from Weebl and Bob

Creator: @TheWeebl

Reported midichlorian count: 15,300

He's able to sense a disturbance in the Force, or when Weebl eats another pie.

#4: Pebbles the Knight

Creator: Possibly Atastic, but could be a byproduct of the Force.

Reported midichlorian count: 16,000.

Known powers: Mainly manipulation, but can Force choke.

Likelihood of turning to the dark side: Probably already has by now.

#3: FloundermanClock

Creator: B

Reported midichlorian count: At least 19,000.

Out of all the Clocks, I'm certain Flounderman has to be the strongest. He's lightning fast, could finish a Clock Day movie in 8 seconds if not for procrastination and a lack of interest, he's a great pilot, and he single-handedly exterminated an entire Hutt clan!

#2: Blockhead.

Creator: Michael Swain

Reported midichlorian count: Unknown, minimum estimate of 30,000

He may seem dumb on the outside, but make no mistake. Blockhead could quite possibly be the most powerful Sith Lord in history. He's a master manipulator, an expert at lightsaber combat, and can lift 90 tons with the Force. Also, his force lightning is green.

He was trained by Darth Quay, who learned how to transfer his spirit into another's brain, effectively possessing them. When an attempt at Lord Quay's life was made, he tried to possess his apprentice, but was unable to fully control him. He found himself in a dark black void, with nothing but a sofa and a few beers.

Since then, Blockhead has been feigning his stupidity, presumably just to spite and torture Quay's soul for as long as he lives. Maybe he'll become immortal one day.

He's also racist towards Bith, but not Gungans.

#1: @Piconjo

Creator: Of n00grounds.

Reported midichlorian count: At least 69,000.

To cheat death is a power relatively few have achieved. Reportedly, an Emperor of the old Sith was able to put his consciousness into other bodies, giving him a sense of immortality that lasted , but historians have not been able to verify that story.

What's your secret? Essence transfer? Cloning? Also, who's gh3yer? teh Jedi or teh Sith?

AD: FUCK YOU TATOOINE!

Are you dumb enough to buy a new ship or speeder this week? You're a big enough ***XXX*** to go to Watto's Junk

Womp rats! Engines that explode! JAWAS!

You think you're gonna find a good deal at Watto's you can kiss my ass!

It's my belief that you're such a crinkin' idiot, you'll fall for this poodoo. GUARANTEED!!

If you find a better deal? SHOVE IT UP YOUR ROTTEN ASS!

Yes you heard me! SHOVE IT UP YOUR ROTTEN ASS!

Bring your droids, bring your master, bring your secretly wedded wife. WE'LL FUCK HER!

That's right, WE'LL FUCK YOUR WIFE!

Because at Watto's Junk, you're fucked harder a Twi'lek on Nal Hutta.

Take a hike to WATTO'S JUNK. Home of CHALLENGE PUNCHING!

That's right! CHALLENGE PUNCHING!

How does it work? If you can punch Jabba the Hutt in the mouth and you come back here alive, you get 1 free droid part!

Don't wait, don't delay, DON'T FUCK WITH ME OR I'LL BLAST YOUR NUTS OFF!

Only at WATTO'S, The only dealer that tells you

HURRY UP NERF-HERDER! This offer ends the minute you send me your cash, and they better not be credits or you're a DEAD MOTHERFUCKER!

SUCK MY JUNK! WATTO'S JUNK! Mos Espa's meanest nerf-herding sons of Banthas in the Outer Rim.

GUARANTEED!

Hello Newgrounds. I'm Detective Richard Dick, aka. Dick Rick. I'm known as the Holonet Detective around these parts.

My brother, Nick is busy with an investigation of his own, somewhere in the Unknown Regions I suppose, while I'm solving a murder mystery.

PS: He wouldn't mind if I took his theme song.

CASE: WHO KILLED HEGO DAMASK

I found my first case in the penthouse of my apartment. The victim appears to be an elderly Muun male, approximately 160-180 years of age. I recognize his face as none other than Hego Damask, a wealthy entrepreneur, banker, political lobbyist real estate mogul, and apparently my landlord.

Damask seems to be knocked out cold, his tall, skinny, lifeless body slumped over at his dining table, a wine glass broke at his feet, perhaps he dropped it. He was intoxicated, his alcohol level was at 0.31, which could either put him to sleep or render him unconscious, but it didn't kill him. He was also wearing a cybernetic breathing mask covering his jaw and neck, which seemed to have stopped working. He seemed old and frail, this would've been a perfect weak spot for a murderer to attack. He could've survived a previous attack,

But let's not jump to conclusions.

I checked the dishes. There are several bottles of wine on the table, mostly Sullustan wine, but there was one bottle from Naboo. One platter had an assortment of meats, cheeses, jogan fruit, and some other delicacies from different parts of the galaxy, but it seems like someone ate all the bantha cheese. The rest are mostly empty.

I go to one of the silver platters that still has food on it, and I try to pick up one of the forks, but then it hit me. No, literally the fork hit me with a spark of electricity. Ouch! I reluctantly try to touch it again. Ouch! Another spark! Thank goodness I'm recording this. I touch some of the other silverware. Every single one of them held on to a bit of energy.

That was embarrassing. But I was able to work out a cause of death: electrical shock. Opening up Damask's breathing apparatus and examining the workings confirms this. Most of the transistors seem to have fried up simultaneously. There is no way the breathing mask could spontaneously combust like that, whilst also simultaneously sparking electricity all over the silverware. The electricity had to have come from an external source, hit Damask, hit Damask's mask, then mask itself all over the table where I can still touch it to this day.

Searching the rest of the suite for clues gave me more clues, little by little. The kitchen, empty. A man as rich as Damask would probably have a personal cook and butler somewhere, but NOPE. Couldn't find them...

Never mind, three corpses were stuffed in the pantry, most likely by the killer. I guess he wanted to cover his tracks.

The living room: I don't see any murder weapons lying around, but I do see 5 briefcases containing Republic credits. Counting them all would net well over 3 billion.

The bathroom: another case of credits, this time behind the toilet. Part of me want to decapitate Damask's corpse and stuff it down there, but as much as it would make a decent Michael Bay movie, I've got much more important matters.

Anyway: where was I? Of course: the library. A true sign of intelligence. A lot of the archives are missing, probably taken or lost or what, but there were three holobooks that peaked my interest:

BOOK 1: FORCE LIGHTNING

First, there's this one on a power called Force lightning. I had originally heard about this rare Dark Side ability where someone could produce lightning from within their fingertips, but it could just be some bullshit. on the holonet. Surely a savvy businessman wouldn't be reading some garbage some rando wrote in their mother's basement, so this must be real. Maybe this is what killed him. It all adds up, but at the same time, how? As in, what the hell was the guy's motive here?

You kill a wealthy businessman using a rare Force ability, he has billions of credits lying around in plain sight, and yet you don't take them?. Maybe, I thought, it could be politically motivated.

• About 80 years ago, he "started up" a mining company to mine cortosis in Bal'demnic, in reality, he had taken over after the original executives went missing. The mining would've pissed off a lot of the natives and triggered millions more, but the missing executives?
• 20 years ago, Damask bought the social media company Tusker for 45 billion Republic credits, which he then renamed to K, then heavily politicised it to the point where thousands of conspiracy nutjobs got their accounts unbanned and were spreading rampant, despite frequent fact-checking.
• A lot of people also tried to cancel Damask on K due to various social and cultural issues, such as slavery. Didn't give a shit when a group of moisture farmers protested against Gardulla the Hutt for forcing that pregnant lady to work overtime. "Who cares if she says there's no father, she needed some rest and maybe a roasted womp rat topped with ice cream to kill the cravings. Let's cancel that white-ass nerf-herder". they all said as Damask remarked about how "she didn't work hard enough".

So I figured. It can't be some random bounty hunter because how many bounty hunters do you know that are Force-sensitive, let alone proficient enough to use Force lightning. It's unlikely. I can also rule out the Jedi for the same reason.

I kept looking for answers.

This next book, I figured out more about Damask than I initially hoped. This seems to be a personal journal of some sorts. I read a few excerpts: This one starts about 80 years before his death.

BOOK 2: DARTH PLAGUEIS

"Day 1 on Bal'demnic. My master, Darth Tenebrous, Dark Lord of the Sith, had just discovered a rare metal on this planet called Bal'demnic. Little does he know, I've been training an apprentice of my own, a smuggler whom I don't even know the name of. Let's just call him Qimir for now. I'll come up with a proper title later, but right now, I'll wait for the perfect opportunity to drop him dead. He's gonna regret the day he met me, Darth Plagueis the Wise!"

Hmm, a Dark Lord of the Sith. Hadn't they been extinct for a millennium?

"Day 18: Tenebrous and I spent the last few weeks in this mine. Qimir's waiting in the hidden lair. As per the Rule of Two, he can't be my Sith apprentice, he's what we call an 'acolyte'. Not my fault they only allow two of us. Blame Darth Bane, If he hadn't been wouldn't be in this mess.

Anyway: This metal, cortosis develops deep in the ground. It can deflect lightsaber blades, which could make this a very useful resource that could help us rule the galaxy. Or make me a shitload of credits. Only problem, Tenebrous, again, need to die for my plan to go through. He'll fall any second."

"Day 21: I have good news and bad news!

Good news, Master got himself caught in an explosion. Can't say that I planned this, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Mine collapsed on top of him and he's about to die.

Bad news: The ship's been damaged and it's gonna take a while to get it repaired. I guess in the mean time I can now finally train Qimir in the ways of the Force, to be my new, true, Sith apprentice. For real!"

"Day 400: It seems like Qimir has found himself an acolyte. Sure, she's a black woman, but I'd rather it not be a Bith. Did you not hear that saying 'Bith Sith don't stick'?

He told me she was born to a witch who conceived her through the Force, ie. she didn't have a father. which is genuinely interesting. Maybe I should try that some day.

Eventually he lost her, but later brought in an identical twin named 'Verosha', or 'Osha' for short.

I watch as the two leave on their ship."

Booooring. I found this other book. Let's look at a few MORE excerpts.

BOOK 3: DARTH SIDIOUS

"Whilst on a business trip to Naboo, I came across this young lad, he had an extremely high midichlorian count, as well as a knack for politics. Seeing how well my last apprentice has done, I figured, 'why not?' and welcomed him in.

I name thee... Darth Sidious"

Hopefully, he can rise up the ranks and make his way into intergalactic matters. Maybe he could run for Chancellor?

Yada yada yado Yoda. skip skip skip a few more years.

"ASSASSINS showed up and kicked most of my fellow Muuns to the curb, but I was still able to fend them off. On the bright side, I still have Lord Sidious. And I've discovered the secret to save people from dying, so no big deal. Bad news, the assassination attempt left my throat thrashed, doctors say I now have to wear this breathing mask for the rest of my life. A life that might as well last forever!"

And now this one's fairly recent It's only a few years old.

"Looks like Sidious is training an apprentice of his own, a young Zabrak whom he's named "Darth Maul. Do I sense a pattern? Maybe not. I should be fine, as long as Maul doesn't become too big of a deal.

I still trust Sidious though. After all, I did teach him everything I knew."

So long story short, Damask was a Sith Lord called Darth Plagueis, the Sith being this secret cult who wants to rule the galaxy as a fascist dictatorship, working their way up the corporate and/or political ladders to achieve their goal. And that part of the ritual involves the apprentice killing their master at some point. Could it be, that this 'Darth Sidious' is the one who killed Damask? AKA Plagueis?

Anyway, that's where my investigation ends. If anyone knows anything about this "Darth Sidious", please let me know. Write me a letter and mail it to my HQ, at Unit 50-C4, Kaldani Spires Residential Apartments: Coruscant.

And as always, thank you for tuning in to DICK NICK, with Rick. I wish you well brother!

CALENDAR

News of the past, present, and future

July 2nd

Both the most important, and least important day on the entire site.

July 6th

Moderators debate about whether to allow stop-motion created using Force levitation.

July 14th

@TomFulp bans pornographic Togruta art. A lot of them were underage.

July 18th

All IP addresses related to Kamino are banned from Newgrounds.

July 21st

Under construction

July 30th

Mandalorians freak out as @DrunkGecko posts another photo of herself not wearing a helmet.

August 15th

Group of clock-faced Jedi wonder why their Hutt and Toydarian audiences aren't voting 5.

Tankman Triweekly is written and directed by Leslye Headland.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Hi @TankmanTriweekly: This is your last warning.

It seems like one of your members is not only trying to access trade secrets, but also contact a dissident who has since been banished from this realm, as evident by your previous article titled "Dick Nick: Internet Detective", so we've intercepted THIS article and pressed it with a DMCA takedown notice.

We don't know if it contains some follow-up notes or not, of if you or Newgrounds.com are willing to dispute it, but we're now well-aware about what this 'Dick Nick' and his associate are trying to do, and we'll have them persecuted for their crimes against Dipthong!

Stay outta our business!

Sincerely:

Barbra Streisand, Associate of the Old Order, keepers of Dipthong.

PS: Stay outta our business! Stay out of it!!!

NO: 45: With Cheese

"We've missed you @The-Great-One. Get well soon!"

@TankmanTriweekly

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Good evening everyone. May's almost over, but we still managed to squeeze out one more issue.

Technically we only really exist nowadays in the weird limbo between months, but that's neither here nor there.

Gabe Newell

Newspaper Officially has More Delays Than Actual Issues

For the past few months, while one paper manages to chug along each month, another's not so lucky. For the past two years, @TheTankTribune has gone through several droughts without any new articles, which have usually been attributed to health problems such as memory loss, and previously wrist damage. To the point where it seems like there are more delays than actual articles.

And an unfortunate time to have such a delay. The previous issue, #99, released in February 18th, over 3 months ago. No #100 in sight. Who knows how many NO.100 drafts or snippets exist purely because TGO couldn't find the time or energy to finish the new issue in spite of real-world problems. How many stories end up going off the radar because it wasn't covered.

For example, in the month of May alone:

• A Sine of Relief, a collab mentioned in issue 98, and one of many projects out of Tribune regular Anonymous-Frog, just released this month.
• NG Zero Hour, which received constant coverage throught the Tribune's life, completely cancelled. Nothing can save it now.
• Pico Day came and went, and the winners were announced.
• Flash Forward Jam Winners have announced
• Sludge Brothers came out.
• @ChazDude released at least 20 new comics, including chapter 3 of Potatoman (no relation to the animator)

That being said: we still wish you very well The-Great-One. I still wish you can find the energy to finish issue 100, but not necessarily this week.

I know it can be difficult to adhere to a weekly content schedule. It's hard for both for the people who put in the effort to maintain such a schedule, and for the viewers of said content, of which one group will begin to expect more and more of the same stuff, expecting some form of consistency, while another will begin to lose interest over time, as the formula starts to grow stale as you make zero room for innovation. In fact, saying this itself kinda sounds stale in hindsight, and then saying that ends up stale, and this, and that, and those too....

And then you realize the headline has little in common with the actual article. Hey, it's the thought that counts!

ATTENTION ALL TANKMEN. THEY MAY BE A MAGICAL CAT UNDER YOUR TANK!

REPRINT from issue #4:

Captain's making an important announcement. He's announced that it is mandatory that you check underneath your tanks on a daily basis. When asked about why anyone would need to do this, he had this to say

"Word has gone around that a mythical cat with magical powers hiding under the tank. I don't know which tank, but we must grab this pussy before the enemy does. It'll give us the ultimate advantage. I'll promote whoever finds it to become second in command! That way we can both grab the pussy"

Steve, one of the tankmen trying to grab pussy, had reportedly checked over 8 tanks before his hands got dirty. He reportedly claimed 'it's not from the pussy'.

The search immediately ended when the cat magically teleported right in front of the Captain where he was then forced to step down.

Good evening Newgrounds: This is Dick Nick, your one and only Internet Detective.

For the past 8 months, I've been getting these letters from one odd and somewhat colorful fellow. So far, this is an ongoing investigation and for a long time, I've been unable to put the pieces together.

I'll keep you updated as this develops, but for now, I have these following messages.

Muh mail!

Sent: Sep 24th 2023: 5:13 AM EST

Hi Dick Nick!

For some reason, all my mail ends up getting mismanaged, lost, or sent to the wrong recipient, and this has been an ongoing problem for years.

My last letter, I just sent a letter to the Supreme Court regarding some legal complications and so far I haven't gotten a reply back. If you somehow get a hold of it, can you please PLEASE follow the instructions and mail it to them on my behalf?

Thank you.

Cleetus McBill Sr.

PS: I would've asked one of those Chat GPT thingies, but truth be told, robots are NEVER to be trusted.

RE: Muh Mail!

Responded: Sep 24th 2023: 9:01 AM EST

Hi Cleetus

Rest assured, I am Dick Nick, flesh blood and all, no AI in sight.

No, I did not receive your letter. I will keep an eye out though. Right now, I'm currently investigating a drug ring, so you're going to have to be patient, as I might not be available at the moment.

I figure this might be part of a larger investigation. I advise you to keep updating me when new, relevant information arises.

Dick Nick: I.D.

Internet Detective:

MY EARS!

Sent: Oct 14th 2023: 6:03 PM EST

Hi Dick

I've been hearing these long moans since MIDNIGHT. I've heard at least a dozen of these every hour up until 2PM. They keep making this noise like this:

"YEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRSS OOOOUUU". It also feels like laser beams hitting different parts of my cranium all at once, it's been keeping me up all night and all morning!

I told my business partner Figg. He called me crazy. Me, a man who's genetically enhanced chickens. Crazy. Yeah, that's business.

I've also suffered other symptoms, including but not limited to: temporary blindness, bursts of anger, possibly ADHD, and for some reason, cravings for chili ice cream.

I figured it might be related to that "situation" a while back. I can tell because I feels EXACTLY the same as that. Same flavour of trauma, happened for like 15 years. I think I might pass out over this:

Anyway: since YOU believe me..

Cleetus McBill Sr.

RE: MY EARS!

Responded: Oct 15th 2023: 2:49 PM EST

Hi Cleetus

Normally, for situations like this, please go to a doctor, not an internet detective.

That being said: is this related to your mail problem? Probably? Maybe, if you put it all together. I've practically got nothing to work with at the moment, so I can't come to a reasonable conclusion.

Regards:

Dick Nick: I.D.

Internet Detective:

Oourt?

Responded: Oct 16th 2023: 12:49 PM EST

Hi Nick:

So on Sunday night, I found this letter in the mail the other day. I thought it'd be from the Supreme Court, but NOPE! It's signed by some smug bloke called "Dr. Judge". FUCK! Bastard got my mail got mixed up again.

Sorry, old habit, but I'm having mixed feelings about this message: It goes something like this.

"Hi Cleetus. Thank you for inquiring about the demon you call 'Mr. Johnny Guy Sir'".

We've heard the allegations, and we know you've been suffering at his hand for quite some time, so we decided to look into it. Unfortunately, it took us WAY longer than expected, like, 10-15 business days late. We also apologize if you've accidentally have heard our war-cry a few times. But rest assured, we've finally banished him to the 9th layer of the Underworld.

If you believe this was a mix-up, please write us back to the O.O.U.R.T HQ at New York City.

Regards:

Dr. M. Judge, the 'Supreme OOURT'

PS: We have no comment regarding your personal projects. Your secret is safe with the OO.

I figured it might go deeper than this. What other magical conclusion have you come up with that could possibly explain everything? Who is M. Judge, and WTF is the OOURT?

Regards:

Cleetus McBill Sr.

RE: Oourt

Responded: Oct 17th 2023: 2:49 PM EST

Hi Cleetus:

According to my records: O.O.U.R.T, short for "the Old Order of Underworld Retro-Theists. They are a group of sorcerers based in the U.S, that practice what's called the "Art of Dipthong". I don't know exactly how it works, but it's kinda like Star Wars or Harry Potter, or sumthin like that. According to LinkedIn, they have over 50,000 members.

Dr. M. Judge has been the "Supreme" of the OOURT since 2006. Their previous leader, one Gaius von Jakov, disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Three weeks prior, Jakov had appointed an apprentice, whom he thought he deemed 'worthy', but just before the boy's graduation, Jakov went mad, and almost drove the OOURT into chaos with his new-founded nonsense. This apparently drove the young apprentice to defect from the Order. Jakov was last seen two days later in a farm in Connecticut, but has never been found since.

That being said, if you file a "restraining order" and send it to the the Old Order, what you're actually saying is you don't want this mortal walking on the surface of the earth anymore and they need to be 'restrained' for all eternity, ie. sent to the Underworld for their alleged crimes. Apparently this is their way of getting rid of

My gut tells me this incident has something to do with your situation, but I can't officially prove anything at this moment.

If you want to learn more, I can send you their business card. If you're lucky, you might be able to sign up.

Hope that helps:

Nick

Responded: Oct 17th 2023: 3:01 PM EST

Excuse me? Magic? Underworld? Sorcery? Dipthong? What on earth are you taking about?

I asked the Supreme COURT. The government, to legally distance him from me. To let me tell his slimy ass I want him to stay the fuck away from me and my loved ones! And now those Ort bastards have him captive somewhere for eternity.

On one hand, good riddance, but on the other hand, I kinda wanted a proper closure. So yeah, I want answers!

Cleetus McBill Sr.

Responded: Oct 17th 2023: 3:07 PM EST

Great. I'll explain more in a minute, but in the mean time, I'll send you their card right now. Should be in the mail in a few days.

Your trusted friend:

Nick

TO BE CONTINUED

May 12

Stone Soup Collab Deadline

May 17

Stone Soup Collab Releases

Pico Day Lite

May 18

Pico Day (real)

May 19

Take a guess:

May 29

Stone Soup Collab Deadline

May 31

Last chance to join, you guessed it, the Stone Soup Collab.

Tankman Triweekly just barely scrapes by.

[PREVIOUS ISSUE] [NEXT ISSUE]

[INDEX]

"Coal?"

@TomFulp

NO: 44: Gone to Milk Up the Pick!

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Untitled - Notepad

The-Writers-Day-Off

TOP STORY: LUIS ACTUALLY MADE 2ND POST:

This just in: the latest official NG News post just dropped and it's BIG. However, some bigger news: @luis is not first this time. That honor seems to have gone to

We've gone out to interview Luis following the incident and this is what he had to say:

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"

Of course, we're swapping that word out with a safer alternative because it's just not suitable for this site.

Tankman Triweekly's Guide to the BBS:

If you've been using the BBS for long enough, you will know that they've recently added forum ratings, just in case little Ryan stumbles across a hentai thread by complete accident.

But did you know it's also a good way to filter out most old threads, for example: those made in 2023 or older. Just turn off the E-rating. You might miss out on a few good threads, but it works!

Right now we're going to delve into a bunch of locked threads and explain why they were locked, and then we're going to look into some Supporter-only threads.

SAVED YOU A LOCK:

For whatever the occasion, threads can get locked, never to be interacted with again. Today we're going to look into why this is the case. and hopefully save you the effort of reading everything.

Since General is closed, and since NG is creator-driven, the focus here will be on Art and Animation threads.

1: can i post my art on this site?

Initially answered "yes", later delved into an argument that lasted a few hours.

2: all my y art work was unpublished

They were all AI-generated.

3: Advice on getting more votes on my artwork?

OP was worried that the removal of their music would affect their votes on their artwork, so asked for advice.

These were shitposts drawn in Krita for about 1 hour, which matters because NG largely values quality work and doesn't use an algorithm like the other sites. Claims it's more fun than their 'professional' work sponsored at MtG events, of which at least two were AI-generated.

4: Does better production quality = objectively better movie?

Nothing wrong with the thread itself, it was posted in the Clubs & Crews forum instead of the Animation forum, OP never remade the thread after the mistake.

5: My (attempts) at practicing screenwriting

Locked on OP's request: Served its purpose after 4 months.

And there you go: Hopefully you 'ave a good understandin' on what 'appened.

From The Forums.... Fuck.. none shall pass:

Fun fact: Sometimes the BBS, or specifically this page, that's not quite the front page, or is the BBS's equivalent to the front page, displays Supporter-only threads, even if you are not a supporter.

Out of these 10 threads, as displayed on the front page: 3 of them are Supporter only (see highlighted)

This might depend on who you follow and whether they are a Supporter, but even when signed out, I still got "NG Mod Shirtless in Public". Can anyone look into this? Or is @Fro just too darn hunky?

April 1

Sleep Day (specifically for 2024)

April 8

Blog Guidelines Update: Mass-pinging solely to promote your work is punishable by up to 14 days of both @P-Bot and @M-Bot PM'ing you every 2 minutes.

April 11

The last day you're allowed to smoke in the Art Portal.

April 20

In Memoriam: Guy Who's Job Is To Update The "In Memoriam" section:

April 29

Japanese Game Designer names his baby "Forever Bad".

April 30

The day Dick Nick is supposed to come back with the milk.

May 4

Cake's done! (I didn't specify which year this was.)

Tankman Triweekly needs to rest on public holidays.

"@'s everywhere"

@@@@@

NO 43: One Day Underdue

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Good day everyone on Newgrounds and Happy Easter! Everyone's taken the day off. Except me. I had to come back as nobody else were writing these articles, unfortunately!

Jesus Christ.

TOP STORY: Was EDDSWORLD Derived From a Lost Shakespearean Play?

UK: A supposed draft written by famous playwright William Shakespeare labelled "Edward VI" was recently uncovered, that coincidentally, seems to bare resemblance to hit web series Eddsworld.

According to notes, "Edward VI" started production around 1602, and followed the life of the eponymous monarch, who reigned as King of England for only six years before passing away at age 15. He is accompanied by his three friends, Master Thomas, son of a wealthy Baron living in Gloucester, Sir Matthew of York, a teenage knight, and Tordson, who immigrated from "somewhere in Scandinavia" with his mother. The four get into a mix of various shenanigans while the king's uncle runs the country.

Historians speculate that the play was supposed to be written as a light-hearted comedy, so that it would appeal to Queen Elizabeth I, Edward's half-sister, and may have been cancelled after Elizabeth's death in 1603. The draft remains unfinished, with only one act being close to completion, and two concepts for further acts.

We reached out to the man who found the play, who turned out to be former Eddsworld showrunner and YouTube creator Thomas Ridgewell, aka TomSka.

"This old thing?" Tom told us in an interview. "I never really bothered asking Edd what that was or what he did with it, and when he died, he left me with several boxes of what I can only describe as 'old childhood junk'. I never would've guessed a piece of English history was one of them, much less one that may or may not have inspired Edd's life legacy."

We asked him where and how he found the play.

" I was looking for inspiration for the next ASDFmovie, so I rummaged through those boxes and I stumbled across the play by complete accident."

The sole completed act will be performed three times in theatres in Brighton starting in April.

REPRINT: Guinness Is Still Trying To Measure Piconjo’s Pen0r.

From Issue 21:

@Piconjo is trying to set a world record today! His record for “World’s Largest Penis” has yet to be verified.

The average penis length can be anywhere between 5 and 5.5 inches, yet Guinness has claimed that Piconjo's was so big they had to send a team of experts to measure it.

”Yeah good luck” said Matthew Samson from Guinness, "I had to eat, shit, sleep, and jerk him off for two weeks straight, trying to measure the bloody thing! I also had to write down my progress on that massive shaft of his every 10 minutes so we don't lose track."

Piconjo himself commented.

"what is taking teh guiness t0adies so long 2 measure my p3n0r? in that am0nt of tiem I couldve t0ld tehm how l000ng it was."

At the time of writing, Guinness has now reported 652.7 miles.

2024 UPDATE: Guinness has since reported 3,426.5 miles and claim that they are still going.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT CHECK "USERS" UNDER THE "FEATUREDCONTENT" AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FRONT PAGE!

Breaking news! In the last 10 minutes, someone somewhere has just posted something in their blog that nobody cares out.

The user, who joined anywhere between 2021 and 2023 and has less than 9 followers, may have either indulged in some form of personal drama, announced that they are quitting or joining Bluesky, or are going on a hiatus. If you're lucky, they might be making something worth looking at.

At press time, another NG user has responded to the other guy's post, using another post.

March 1

Akira Toriyama, the Japanese manga artist involved in every single piece of media with the prefix "Dragon", passes away at age 68. Rest in peace.

His death remains a private matter until...

..March 8

The flags holstered at NG's headquarters in Philadelphia are flown at half-mast

Newgrounds.com temporarily shuts down 5 minutes after the news went public. The admins claimed that this wasn't intentional, and fixed the outage an hour later.

March 22

"Absolutely nothing happened on March 22nd 2023. Nothing!"

Malachy, eater of 4 lbs of cat meat a day.

March 26

Spooky Month release date leaked by Pyoro.

March 29

Leading up to Easter, a study has shown that 99% of NG users cannot figure out which episode of Bunnykill the Easter Rabbit was killed in.

Hint: It wasn't Episode 2.

March 30

Days Since Halloween: 152

Days Since Last Spooky Month: 0

Spooky Month 7 Predicted Release Date: July 4th 2025.

Tankman Triweekly is best read at 4 AM.

“The Tank don’t stank.”

@Thetageist

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Good Morning Newgrounds! This past month you may have noticed a resurgence of Clock Crew movies. Did you know they have an annual (mostly) event called Flash Flood, or in other words, it's a daily animation challenge.

This year, HiveClock seemingly both old and new at the same time, entered the scene with its own set of movies.

EnoTaergeht: your favourite mustache and trenchcoat enthusiast

TOP STORY: SCANDAL? or BODY POSITIVE ROLE MODEL?

Tom Fulp Used Your Supporter Money To Treat His Jaundice.

Image credit: @Little-Rena

Newgrounds, for the better part of a decade, uses the Supporter system to keep the lights on. Even with thousands of people sending as little as $3 per month, the site still reports a small loss each year.

Why is that? Local financial analyst Nicholas Dick says he's found the answer. The site's founder @TomFulp has been blowing it all on his medical expenses, and this has been going back since at least 2016.

According to a medical report Dick unearthed earlier this February, Fulp, 45, has been suffering from a strong case of jaundice for the last 8 years, leading to a discoloring of his skin. As a result, he has rarely showed up in official meets and events. Any pictures proving otherwise either have him coated in makeup or have been digitally altered.

It's been estimated that Fulp spent approximately 10% of the site's gross income from 2021-2023 on medical treatments, not counting his personal salary. These treatments reportedly k. A further 70% of the site's gross income was given to a research firm seeking to permanently cure the disease, some donations as high as $24,000.

Dick also theorizes that Fulp and other users made his avatar yellow-skinned to raise awareness about the condition, though Fulp has yet to publicly confirm this.

Good morning, You're hooked on DICK NICK, not to be confused with DICK NECK. The difference being; I'm your 100% reliable internet detective Nicholas Dick, and today should be near the end of the Flash Flood.

After acquiring a brand new laptop last month, I've increased my mailing list by up to 5000% thanks to all the pre-existing contacts and followers from the previous owner, enough to let you all know about two of the greatest mysteries

CASE 1: CARROTCLOCK

There's been a very well-known rumor that @CarrotClock is actually @TomFulp's clock account, however, neither party have been able to prove it. Tom never confirmed this. And it's up to ME to have to find out once and for all!

To start this investigation, I'll be looking into two specific CarrotClock joints.

EXHIBIT 1: CARROT JUICE

CarrotClock is credited on the 2006 flash demo Carrot Juice, a realtime 3D demo for Clock Day. This was a collaboration between him, @MindChamber (art), @mike (programming), and @Stamper (original music). These are all notable and honorable NG members who joined the site in 2000, all of which have been Newgrounds staff who have made direct contributions to the site.

• Stamper designed a site layout circa 2003, but also did "odds and ends" for K-FED: Dancing with Fire, just months prior.
• MindChamber was supposed to be working on a Pico's School sequel, but it remains unfinished, though he has worked with Tom on some other games.
• Mike worked as a full-time programmer for Newgrounds (which included a visualizer for the Audio Portal) and now works for The Behemoth. He also developed Swivel for Newgrounds in 2012-2013. He had only worked on one prior Flash submission before Carrot Juice.

Do you think some totally random Flash author (albeit a semi-popular author who made two popular games 3 years ago) would be able to get 3 Newgrounds staff members to collaborate on a Flash, especially one as innovative as a real-time 3D demo? Do you think this is something that could only be done by the owner of the site?

EXHIBIT 2: SADDAM VS BUSH

In 2002, Tom made a post calling for voice actors for real-life political figures George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, as well as another thanking everyone for sending their applications. These were to be used in a game he was developing.

The two clips are as followed:

• Bush: "Not my oil! Anything but my oil!"
• Saddam: "That was my summer home, you infidel!"

First post | Second post

Nothing seemed to come out of this for the remainder of the year, or anything out of Tom himself, but in March 2003, IRAQ ATTACK was posted to Newgrounds, where it would get over a million views and a Weekly User's Choice. Suspiciously similar to that game Tom mentioned earlier, won't you know!

Hey look! There are those two clips.

It appears the lucky voice actor only didn't actually do real lines, but instead a load of gibberish, except no voice actor was credited. Either he was anonymous or whoever was developing the game never ended up picking anyone.

But still, a game of this quality MUST've come from the guy who was able to fake "variables" in the primitive Flash 3 for Pico's School in 1999. No other random user, especially a Clock, could exceed that level of programming talent, in Flash, this early. Plus it just feels like an early Tom game in the same vein as Crazy Belmont or some of the Assassin games, or Domo-Kun Angry Smashfest!

CASE 2: HiveClock

For Flash Flood 2024, we've seen a massive bee epidemic, with @HiveClock showing up on the scene, submitting several movies for the event. However, this seemingly new/old clock is shrouded (really hope I'm spelling this rigt) in mystery.

Just who exactly is HiveClock, and how come he's joined in the year 2000, yet we've only just heard of them? Let's find out.

EXHIBIT 1: WHO IS HIVECLOCK?

To start with, any decent moviemaker is bound to develop their own artstyle, but with HiveClock, it's all over the place. Each HiveClock movie follows a different style. It appears like each movie was made by different people, specifically different Clocks. Either it's very derivative, or dun dun DUN!!!! it's a group effort from multiple Clocks.

I might be wrong, but I think some of those contributors could include some known names like DVaClock, FloundermanClock, and probably Pop-Tart and PolyhedronClock. I have no way of knowing without the coauthor system to guide me.

EXHIBIT 2:

As for the other question, regarding Hive's age.

First, the account seems to be created in May 1st 2000, yet only has submissions dating back to 2024. What other clues are there?

• No prior BBS posts, save for congratulating the winners during Flash Flood.
• It faved 7 movies related to B or bees, as well as the accounts of the 4 founder Clocks, so not very helpful
• The Wayback Machine was only able to archive up to Feb 7th 2024.

I was also only able to find 1 post in ye olde General forum dating to Oct 7, 2007, where the user @RohedIn said the following:

"I AM a clock, Hivelcock. Well actually just now im an official clockfriend. But if I get clockified on the 15th then I become hiveclock."

He hadn't been active since 2010, so I doubt this is related.

OK, to sum it up, my theory is this: HiveClock is a fairly recent creation, jointly managed and maintained by multiple Clock authors, but one thing just doesn't add up. Where the hell did there they find an account from 2000? And why 2000? Why not 2023, 2010, 2001, 2002?

This has stumped me for 2 weeks already. But there may be one remaining clue.

I knew it!

@CarrotClock

Cue the Ace Attorney music!

No, the one that goes DUN DUN DUN DUN Duduh DAAAAH, da da dUUUUUH!

The one they used in Escaping the Prison's "lame ending" before they switched it out in the 2020 remaster!

As per my previous investigation, if CarrotClock is TomFulp and TomFulp is CarrotClock, he might be able to pull some strings and either dug up an old unused account for the CC's own use, or spoof the join date. And in exchange for what, exactly?

Most, if not all of the HiveClock projects follow a specific narrative. And who plays an important, albeit secondary or antagonistic role in this narrative? CarrotClock!

CARROTCLOCK is in on this whole thing! He wanted to play a major role in a major Clock event for the first time in God knows how long, and Clock Day's only one day, so Flash Flood's probably the best chance for additional exposure. Maybe he'll come back proper in Clock Day? Who knows?

And as for the 2000 join date. Maybe they picked that year for story/narrative reasons, as a supposed predecessor to B, or a physical manifestation of the source of B (or bees). What comes before B?

A?

StrawberryClock?

No, BEE? What goes with bees?

Hives!

And it's not the first time Tom has worked with the Clocks in recent history. Last year they pulled a surprise Clock Day for an April Fool's Day prank. Ha ha! Some of us have JOBS you know!

AAAHHH!

I haven't solved a case this good since the day before my wife divorced me and ran off with my cousin Rick, who solves REAL mysteries like school shootings! Stay tuned for next time!

Feb 1st

Applications for both the official Sonic Shorts 9 collab, and its OneyPlays spinoff, have closed. Get going!

Feb 2nd

Groundhog Day

Feb 3rd

Applications for both the official Sonic Shorts 9 collab, and its OneyPlays spinoff, have closed.

Feb 4th

That one guy who slept in the entire time tries to apply for Sonic Shorts 9.

Feb 14th

Battle of the Bombs has begun:

The scheduled bi-monthly animation tournament between two animation comedy specialists @PukeBomb (@NattoSumi) and Drawbomb (@Topcatyo) starts on this date. Both parties should finish up by Feb 30th, after which a panel of judges will review their submissions.

Feb 19th

Battle of the Bombs Judge Application Deadline

Feb 25th

@PFINNEY starts a new animation series, Sludge Brothers, and wants to raise $15,000 in 2 weeks.

Tom leaves the big banner empty.

Feb 29th

3 Pokemon collabs expected to finish as of today. Palworld collab expected to start sometime in May.

FLASH FLOOD!! Today's Paily Dicks go out to the Clocks in the Clock Crew.

We start the month off (almost), with Flounderman's Lunchquest (of course by @FLOUNDERMANCLOCK), and Here we go Again!, by @Little-Rena, ranking at #7 and #8 respectively. A blooper reel beat them out!

On the 7th, we have HiveClock: The Game: by @HiveClock, ranking in a 6

On Feb 10th, @Little-Rena brings us our first actual award-winning submission: Hive Clock gets a job, while @Pop-Tart applies for a job at the ad agency. It won 4th place.

Feb 11: To continue her streak, Little-Rena, with Pop-Tart under her belt again, strike again with 3rd with When Poly had a Birthday. Happy Birthday Poly!

Feb 12: Little-Rena's ClockCrewCouncil reaches 8th place, while Beta Carotene by HiveClock shows us that CarrotClock knows more movie references than you do.

Feb 13: HiveClock explains its origin story (albeit barely with a 6th place), with HiveClock: Origins, while Little-Rena wastes all her money on a Totally Legit Mobile Game, and not even a good game, it got 9th place.

Feb 14th: @FLOUNDERMANCLOCK comes back with an all new Space Adventure Flounderman with Space Adventure Flounderman -GAIDEN- [1]. Competition from both much larger creators, with the occasional bad apple, meant it only got 7th, when it should've received a real legit Daily award.

Feb 18: HiveClock's The Calling reaches 9th place. If anyone should get a Daily award for something that looks like it was compiled together in a day, it should be the Clocks!

Conspiracy theories regarding the 1st place winner still go on to this day.

Feb 20: Dunk on a Heckler and When the Crew Party, both by Little-Rena take 6th and 7th spots.

Feb 21: Two submissions:

Croc Day 2024 by @DVa-Clock (legally distinct from Little-Rena) takes home a Daily 3rd, at last!

Space Adventure Flounderman -GAIDEN- [2], by FLOUNDERMANCLOCK (8th place) loses again in what could only be described as "asufutimaehaehfutbw".

Feb 22: Illegal aliens forced Little-Rena to 7th place again with Bragging Rights.

Feb 23: Ditto for This Movie is too Sexy with both Little-Rena and Pop-Tart cumming up with a sneaky plot, except that they forgot to

Feb 27: @Foxcato, or otherwise known as Inkwell Clock, enters the scene with Toothpaste!

Feb 28: Nothing new until now, Little-Rena wins yet another Daily 3rd with Justice! Justice for B!

If I missed any submissions, it's probably because it never entered the top 10. (example: @FilmCutterClock's 4-part TridentClock series is a worthy mention, thank you FilmCutterClock)

Of course, February is also the start of various other new classics, such as Bowz's SPEEDMAN, but those aren't Clock-related. What do you think about these submissions?

Tankman Triweekly is, chika chika Slim Shady!

"I purposefully published the same article twice because I forgot to click

Post to Front Page (Once per 14 days. Must allow user comments.)"

Uncredited @TankmanTriweekly intern.

For context, that other version's here

https://tankmantriweekly.newgrounds.com/news/post/1419579

NO 41: Wednesday Spam

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

To any mod snooping into my project files, this will be published in the Tankman Triweekly as a blog post, not the Art Portal: If any material here was posted in one of the 4 portals, that was not on purpose. We will work this out.

Nicolas Dick

Hello Newgrounds! This is the first Tankman Triweekly of 2024. Contrary to popular belief, "Tri" actually stands for "tripping" and "weekly" stands for "weak Lee". Let's get this ball rolling!

Inspector Larry

Don't listen to Larry, One time, I cracked open a walnut with my own finger and thumb!

Inspector Roger Lee

REPRINT: TIME TRAVELLER GOES BACK IN TIME TO SUBMIT TO 5 SHADES OF BLUE COLLAB

From issue #31: Exclusive Pico Day Special

Once this baby reaches 500° Fahrenheit, you're gonna see some serious tomfoolery.

PHILADELPHIA -- This just in, prolific Flash animator Dr. Nelson Teal has just submitted a collab part for the 5 Shades of Blue Collab

Teal, who joined Newgrounds in 1999 as OT, traveled back in time to March 16th 2005, 11:40 PM EST, using a remote-controlled gas-top stove and oven-themed time machine, in order to submit an animation he's been working on for 5 months. He has brought with him a copy of Macromedia Flash MX 2004 and 16 GB of RAM.

"I was very impressed with what Teal managed to bring to the table!" said @mynamewontfitin, organizer of the 5 Shades collab.

"A bald old bearded farmer cooks up some sort of magic powder to make his turnips grow, then one of them grows to the size of his three-story comically large mansion. He can't pull out himself, so he calls up his wife, his two children, his children's spouses, his 3 grandsons and 2 granddaughters, and the family cat, who all fail to pull the turnip out. Only after a funny looking mouse starts pulling on one of the granddaughter's shoes does the turnip break free.

THEN the turnip rolls down the hill, onto the street, over some cars, then in the ocean.

Plot twist: One of the boys managed to tunnel his way into the turnip and is now stranded on the ocean alongside a gang of human-sized insects, worms and other bugs.

Not only did the story get my attention, but his line-art is incredibly clean compared to the other parts by myself, Zekey, Xionic Demon, etc, he picked some good songs, AND he managed to cram it all in 95 seconds! Chef's kiss! Best thing I ever watched. Instant 5 stars!"

mynamewontfitin

Teal's previous works include the Flash game Cuphead (2005), a Metal-Slug-esque platformer that later inspired the Fancy Pants series. He was also a clean-up artist for the Eddsworld short Suction Cup Man (2008), and created the short film Spooky Month (2004) for Clock Day.

Hello again internet community! My name is Nicolas Dick, or Nicholas if you want to spell it like a [[TOO OFFENSIVE EVEN FOR NEWGROUNDS]], and you're tuned in to DICK NICK.

3 years ago, I pledged $100 to back Cameron @ninjamuffin99 and his team's game FRIDAY NIGHT FUNKIN', in the hopes that he'd turn it into a fully-fleshed-out commercial multi-platform release. Since then, you'd think the team would explain to backers how far along they are regarding the game's development.

Sure, they did give out updates on their blog, but it all felt pretty vague and it didn't really cover what weeks are in progress and what hadn't started yet. (Is even mentioning the name "Week 12" so taboo and secret you don't want to say it?).

As a result, we've seen videos pop up stating "What happened to FNF?" or "The REAL REASON Friday Night Funkin' DISAPPEARED", which is NOT the best way to build a reputation.

This begs the question. How far along are they in development, and most importantly: where did the money go? Here's how it went:

EXHIBIT 1: THE START OF THE INVESTIGATION:

Here's how my investigation started: I spotted Cameron at MAGFest this year. Here is an artist's rendition of what he looks like (credit: @Luis):

In case you don't know, this year's MAGFest was hosted at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center (you can't fucking make this up), in Maryland.

After the event was over, I got in my "investigation van" and tried to follow him home, not trying to look suspicious. I always though he lived in Canada, but after stopping at THREE BARS for a drink, at 5 am, he finally turned up at a motel in Philadelphia and just rested there for 5 hours before getting up and driving off, again.

The convenient Dick Nick-shaped shrubbery allowed me to keep a close eye on him. Yep, he's in his bed, hung over, like he's just failed a bellyflop dive in a pool party, nuthin' important.

EXHIBIT 1: HE SPENT IT ALL ON CRACK

Some quick context: There is a popular conspiracy theory that the devs wasted all the money on crack. While they make it seem like they blew it all, if you play your cards right, it might actually be the best investment they actually made. Turns out, it was all 100% true! Let me explain:

Just as he left his motel to pick up his laptop, I planted a tracker on his car, then proceeded to follow him again. 12:54 PM, just after noontime, he arrived at a storage unit in Delaware. I, again, watched as he opened the big metal door to reveal that the entire unit was filled with bags of white powder (I didn't know what they were yet)

Then another car drives by. Two men step out and walk towards Cameron. They looked like as if Cameron was black or Chinese, though I'm certain that the latter was Japanese. It was at this point where I snuck up and got into the neighboring, which somehow was left ajar and unlocked, to get a better listen, but unfortunately I was only able to look at the Asian guy, who's name/nickname was Cherry, according to the audio:

CAM: "Everyone here?"

BLACK: "YEP!"

CHERRY: "Yessiro!"

BLACK: Man, that's a lotta stuff!

CAM: Cherry, how did the 4th quarter go?

CHERRY: Amazing! We sold 40 pounds in Texas alone, and there was only one shootout.

CAM: Metric, Cherry. Everyone knows the imperial system is harder to calculate.

CHERRY: I meant, 18 kilos, and 42 kilos overall, which sold just shy of a record $7 million. It was originally worth $1.7 million when we got it in here, I "defunkified" it to get rid of the impurities, there were $530K operating expenses, salaries, and other costs, we lost $2 million as part of the more efficient cleansing scheme we've been using, we now have quarterly profits of $2.56 million.

CAM: I like this! I have a feeling this quarter's gonna be even better. We're gonna be movin' 100 kilos this time!

BLACK: "So Muff, where's this good headin' to?"

CAM?: "May I have to explain it again? Bill Gates is holding a party in Seattle in a few weeks, he needs 20 kilos, show up on the 4th, then there's 10 kilos that we're gonna plant in Justin Trudeau's briefcase. Turns out somebody told him about the stash in Vancouver and got it confiscated, PhantomArcade needs another 400 grams to make it through the winter. The rest we're gonna be distributing along the entire west coast from Seattle to L.A. There's also a 50 kilo batch in Florida that needs takin' care of, so I'll be headin' there, while you two go west.

BLACK: You got it Muffy boss!

CAM: Muff. I hate it when people call me Muffy! Makes me think about vampires.

My thoughts: Wonderful discussion with plenty of funny moments. I have a few animator friends that I think would do the clip the same magic they've been doing for OneyPlays, but nope! it's being used as part of an ongoing investigation, so let's move on!

EXHIBIT 2: THE CHASE CONTINUES

I know that Cam's headin' to Florida to do business. Given his acumen, he's gonna be there in 2 days, enough time for a quick detour. Might as well use that time to catch his two lackeys off-guard.

I instead tail their car as they head west. Wherever they're heading, there's a good chance they'll .

HOLY SHIT, a dog with metal teeth just jumped out of the trunk and he's chewing at the windshield. I go for my gun and fire at it twice.

BANG! BANG!

He's dead. I quickly accelerate far enough to shoot one of the tires out, straight through the chewed out windshield hole.

BANG!

Swerving, swerving, I look to my unopened can of Coke in the cup-holder, which stuff in one of my "world-renowned" Dickens™ Blueballz cherry bombs, shake up, then throw at the stopped car.

KABLAM!!!

They both exit the car unharmed, after which I quickly arrested them.

EXHIBIT 3: The Interrogation.

I now have Cherry and this black guy under my surveilance, somewhere in Illinois I suppose. Larry and Roger arrived just in time to keep them confined as I ask them about the business.

DICK: "You two were going 70 in a 50 zone. Why were you in such a rush to cross over to the west coast, I presume?"

CHERRY: Bite it, dick!

DICK: "I'll have you know that L & R over here can smell a lie when they hear it. Who are you and what is your business?"

BLACK: "Trevor Lee"

CHERRY: "Cherry Morgan"

BLACK/TREVOR: "We're just delivery guys, droppin' off an important package on behalf of Muff."

Larry and Roger pinch their necks

DICK: "Alright, Now, have you heard anything about Cameron Taylor, aka ninjamuffin99? I spotted him in a storage unit in Delaware around the same time you were starting your delivery. Is he this Muff you're talkin' about?"

TREVOR: I swear you have the wrong person"

Roger squeezes harder, numbing his feet.

DICK: "I know for a FACT he was at the"

I show Trevor the recording, along with some pictures.

CHERRY: "Just tell him what he wants?"

Larry squeezes Cherry in the neck, numbing him to the waist down.

TREVOR: "FINE: Cam, or MUFF as we've been calling him," he sarcastically proclaimed "is goin' round America shippin' crack cocaine to all over America. He's now headin' south to the Mexican border to drop the money. Are you HAPPY! Because of your meddling he's NEVER going to get FNF finished!"

DICK: "So the rumors were correct! Wait, did you say it tied to FNF?"

CHERRY: ""

DICK: "Perfect! We got all we need boys! To Mexico!"

Larry and Roger pinch them both harder, paralyzing them to the neck up,

EXHIBIT 4: TAYL'D AGAIN

Now I head south. Thank god for that tracker I planted earlier. Turns out, instead of going to Mexico as Trevor mentioned, Cameron's actually originally going to Florida as I originally expected. As I arrive to finally confront Cam at what might be his final destination, a bank.

Looks like he's making a hefty deposit, judging by the size of the banknotes and . I try to get a closer look with my camera.

BANKER: "I'd like to ask, where he heck did you get all that money? And why are the notes red?"

CAM (slowly): "I just launched the video game Friday Night Funkin' into an early access last week. This is just..."

Four armed thugs burst through the ceiling, with guns, one points it at Cameron.

THUG 1: "HANDS UP! MONEY IN THE BAG, NOW! OR THIS IDIOT GETS IT"

I run towards them, still recording, and shout. "HE'S GOT 10 MILLION BUCKS!"

THUG 2: "Really?" He then turns to Cam, who seems like he's trying to look scared. "Hand it over!"

Cam hands them the money, after which they run off to my van, most likely by accident, they throw Larry and Roger out of their seats and onto the road.

LARRY: "Aw, this is bad news Dick. They took the van!"

Here's the thing kids, whenever someone steals your vehicle, it's gonna be a pain in the ass to deal with and most often than not, very expensive. To combat this, I always rig it with explosives, so that anyone who tries to hotwire, if not steal the car. I'd be able to detect it and with the push of a button, blow them up to smithereens. Mind you, this requires a secret passcode, voice recognition, AND face recognition on my phone in order to switch on and off.

KABOOOOM!!!!

I spot Cameron, running out of the bank. Still trying to stay out of sight, I follow him into his car and sneak into his trunk.

CAM: "Bollocks ballzers bitchass dipshits! Those idiots were supposed to run off to Mexico and launder the money for me! Get me Cherry and T NOW to clean this mess up!"

OTHER GUY: "They're both unavailable"

CAM: "Shitnuggets!"

I managed to find his laptop hidden in the trunk. Surprisingly it isn't password protected. Even after getting into the illegal drug business, it's surprising to see that he's still programming.

Ritz 2, Tankmas_2023_CANCELLED.exe, SuperBowl_0.1, and 3 other random prototypes for games in here, all in 2023 alone.

And here it is! Friday Night Funkin, The Full Ass Game, 90% of the original goals added, 20 weeks have been added in. Only problem is that week 12 crashes. Pretty sure that wasn't intentional.

I copy all the contents of the game into a flash drive (a hi-speed 512GB stick with 400GB still available). Turns out it would be quicker to just steal the laptop, so I did, with the stick still inside. But not before calling the local authorities

DICK: "Hello, I'd like to report a bank robbery at Ameris Bank, Gainesville. Suspect has black hair, glasses, and a beard, and is currently heading north in a orange Tesla"

I jump out of the car, still in posession of the laptop, Cameron driving off. I made sure to copy over all the incriminating evidence (emails, Discord messages, etc. with Trevor, Cherry, four buff looking men, and ten other associates, sending those over to my drive before the cops arrive.)

EPILOGUE

So to summarize, what started out as a simple investigation turned into what could possibly be a B-movie flick, assuming you give it lots of padding. Not only is Ninjamuffin STILL working on FNF, but I found out he was a drug kingpin as well. He's been using the money to further fund its development, making it into something that'll actually truly be big.

In the end, I managed to take down the biggest drug empire of the decade, AND also snagged myself a free laptop! Let's just hope FNF continues to be finished from this point onward.

Before I close off, I just hope that "The Full Ass Game" isn't voted Game Of The Year. "F.A.G" alone is bad enough as an acronym!

JANUARY HIGHLIGHTS:

JAN 1st:

Cassette Girl, Piercing Lazer's catalog (including the Necromancer theme from Castle Crashers, though not the character, which is still owned by The Behemoth), and the Pico's School OST, all enter the public domain.

JAN 10th:

"Steamboat Cassie", a music video courtesy of Cleetus McBill Sr, is officially released.

JAN 16th:

Tom Fulp wannabe Elon Musk creates his own X Money Gang, sponsors a MrBeast video for $250,000.

JAN 21st:

Pin the Burger in @Wegra's Mouth Day

JAN 23rd:

Pixel Day. For many people, this is their only chance of getting on the front-page.

JAN 31st:

This video. Just so you can say you found it here.

TANKMAN TRIWEEKLY PRESENTS: DAYS SINCE LAST FOAMY EPISODE:

Today, Foamy the Squirrel has officially gone

146 days

without a new upload on Newgrounds.

The episode in question: Car, was nominated, and later won Turd of the Year for the 2023 BBS Awards by @Little-Rena and voters.

That's almost half a year.

UPDATE: PIC OF THE MONTH

Pretty much the only difference between the two versions

Tankman Triweekly is what @TheTankTribune is already doing, but 100% impossible to compare.

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