NO: 45: With Cheese

"We've missed you @The-Great-One. Get well soon!"

@TankmanTriweekly

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Good evening everyone. May's almost over, but we still managed to squeeze out one more issue.

Technically we only really exist nowadays in the weird limbo between months, but that's neither here nor there.

Gabe Newell

Newspaper Officially has More Delays Than Actual Issues

For the past few months, while one paper manages to chug along each month, another's not so lucky. For the past two years, @TheTankTribune has gone through several droughts without any new articles, which have usually been attributed to health problems such as memory loss, and previously wrist damage. To the point where it seems like there are more delays than actual articles.

And an unfortunate time to have such a delay. The previous issue, #99, released in February 18th, over 3 months ago. No #100 in sight. Who knows how many NO.100 drafts or snippets exist purely because TGO couldn't find the time or energy to finish the new issue in spite of real-world problems. How many stories end up going off the radar because it wasn't covered.

For example, in the month of May alone:

• A Sine of Relief, a collab mentioned in issue 98, and one of many projects out of Tribune regular Anonymous-Frog, just released this month.
• NG Zero Hour, which received constant coverage throught the Tribune's life, completely cancelled. Nothing can save it now.
• Pico Day came and went, and the winners were announced.
• Flash Forward Jam Winners have announced
• Sludge Brothers came out.
• @ChazDude released at least 20 new comics, including chapter 3 of Potatoman (no relation to the animator)

That being said: we still wish you very well The-Great-One. I still wish you can find the energy to finish issue 100, but not necessarily this week.

I know it can be difficult to adhere to a weekly content schedule. It's hard for both for the people who put in the effort to maintain such a schedule, and for the viewers of said content, of which one group will begin to expect more and more of the same stuff, expecting some form of consistency, while another will begin to lose interest over time, as the formula starts to grow stale as you make zero room for innovation. In fact, saying this itself kinda sounds stale in hindsight, and then saying that ends up stale, and this, and that, and those too....

And then you realize the headline has little in common with the actual article. Hey, it's the thought that counts!

ATTENTION ALL TANKMEN. THEY MAY BE A MAGICAL CAT UNDER YOUR TANK!

REPRINT from issue #4:

Captain's making an important announcement. He's announced that it is mandatory that you check underneath your tanks on a daily basis. When asked about why anyone would need to do this, he had this to say

"Word has gone around that a mythical cat with magical powers hiding under the tank. I don't know which tank, but we must grab this pussy before the enemy does. It'll give us the ultimate advantage. I'll promote whoever finds it to become second in command! That way we can both grab the pussy"

Steve, one of the tankmen trying to grab pussy, had reportedly checked over 8 tanks before his hands got dirty. He reportedly claimed 'it's not from the pussy'.

The search immediately ended when the cat magically teleported right in front of the Captain where he was then forced to step down.

Good evening Newgrounds: This is Dick Nick, your one and only Internet Detective.

For the past 8 months, I've been getting these letters from one odd and somewhat colorful fellow. So far, this is an ongoing investigation and for a long time, I've been unable to put the pieces together.

I'll keep you updated as this develops, but for now, I have these following messages.

Muh mail!

Sent: Sep 24th 2023: 5:13 AM EST

Hi Dick Nick!

For some reason, all my mail ends up getting mismanaged, lost, or sent to the wrong recipient, and this has been an ongoing problem for years.

My last letter, I just sent a letter to the Supreme Court regarding some legal complications and so far I haven't gotten a reply back. If you somehow get a hold of it, can you please PLEASE follow the instructions and mail it to them on my behalf?

Thank you.

Cleetus McBill Sr.

PS: I would've asked one of those Chat GPT thingies, but truth be told, robots are NEVER to be trusted.

RE: Muh Mail!

Responded: Sep 24th 2023: 9:01 AM EST

Hi Cleetus

Rest assured, I am Dick Nick, flesh blood and all, no AI in sight.

No, I did not receive your letter. I will keep an eye out though. Right now, I'm currently investigating a drug ring, so you're going to have to be patient, as I might not be available at the moment.

I figure this might be part of a larger investigation. I advise you to keep updating me when new, relevant information arises.

Dick Nick: I.D.

Internet Detective:

MY EARS!

Sent: Oct 14th 2023: 6:03 PM EST

Hi Dick

I've been hearing these long moans since MIDNIGHT. I've heard at least a dozen of these every hour up until 2PM. They keep making this noise like this:

"YEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRSS OOOOUUU". It also feels like laser beams hitting different parts of my cranium all at once, it's been keeping me up all night and all morning!

I told my business partner Figg. He called me crazy. Me, a man who's genetically enhanced chickens. Crazy. Yeah, that's business.

I've also suffered other symptoms, including but not limited to: temporary blindness, bursts of anger, possibly ADHD, and for some reason, cravings for chili ice cream.

I figured it might be related to that "situation" a while back. I can tell because I feels EXACTLY the same as that. Same flavour of trauma, happened for like 15 years. I think I might pass out over this:

Anyway: since YOU believe me..

Cleetus McBill Sr.

RE: MY EARS!

Responded: Oct 15th 2023: 2:49 PM EST

Hi Cleetus

Normally, for situations like this, please go to a doctor, not an internet detective.

That being said: is this related to your mail problem? Probably? Maybe, if you put it all together. I've practically got nothing to work with at the moment, so I can't come to a reasonable conclusion.

Regards:

Dick Nick: I.D.

Internet Detective:

Oourt?

Responded: Oct 16th 2023: 12:49 PM EST

Hi Nick:

So on Sunday night, I found this letter in the mail the other day. I thought it'd be from the Supreme Court, but NOPE! It's signed by some smug bloke called "Dr. Judge". FUCK! Bastard got my mail got mixed up again.

Sorry, old habit, but I'm having mixed feelings about this message: It goes something like this.

"Hi Cleetus. Thank you for inquiring about the demon you call 'Mr. Johnny Guy Sir'".

We've heard the allegations, and we know you've been suffering at his hand for quite some time, so we decided to look into it. Unfortunately, it took us WAY longer than expected, like, 10-15 business days late. We also apologize if you've accidentally have heard our war-cry a few times. But rest assured, we've finally banished him to the 9th layer of the Underworld.

If you believe this was a mix-up, please write us back to the O.O.U.R.T HQ at New York City.

Regards:

Dr. M. Judge, the 'Supreme OOURT'

PS: We have no comment regarding your personal projects. Your secret is safe with the OO.

I figured it might go deeper than this. What other magical conclusion have you come up with that could possibly explain everything? Who is M. Judge, and WTF is the OOURT?

Regards:

Cleetus McBill Sr.

RE: Oourt

Responded: Oct 17th 2023: 2:49 PM EST

Hi Cleetus:

According to my records: O.O.U.R.T, short for "the Old Order of Underworld Retro-Theists. They are a group of sorcerers based in the U.S, that practice what's called the "Art of Dipthong". I don't know exactly how it works, but it's kinda like Star Wars or Harry Potter, or sumthin like that. According to LinkedIn, they have over 50,000 members.

Dr. M. Judge has been the "Supreme" of the OOURT since 2006. Their previous leader, one Gaius von Jakov, disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Three weeks prior, Jakov had appointed an apprentice, whom he thought he deemed 'worthy', but just before the boy's graduation, Jakov went mad, and almost drove the OOURT into chaos with his new-founded nonsense. This apparently drove the young apprentice to defect from the Order. Jakov was last seen two days later in a farm in Connecticut, but has never been found since.

That being said, if you file a "restraining order" and send it to the the Old Order, what you're actually saying is you don't want this mortal walking on the surface of the earth anymore and they need to be 'restrained' for all eternity, ie. sent to the Underworld for their alleged crimes. Apparently this is their way of getting rid of

My gut tells me this incident has something to do with your situation, but I can't officially prove anything at this moment.

If you want to learn more, I can send you their business card. If you're lucky, you might be able to sign up.

Hope that helps:

Nick

Responded: Oct 17th 2023: 3:01 PM EST

Excuse me? Magic? Underworld? Sorcery? Dipthong? What on earth are you taking about?

I asked the Supreme COURT. The government, to legally distance him from me. To let me tell his slimy ass I want him to stay the fuck away from me and my loved ones! And now those Ort bastards have him captive somewhere for eternity.

On one hand, good riddance, but on the other hand, I kinda wanted a proper closure. So yeah, I want answers!

Cleetus McBill Sr.

Responded: Oct 17th 2023: 3:07 PM EST

Great. I'll explain more in a minute, but in the mean time, I'll send you their card right now. Should be in the mail in a few days.

Your trusted friend:

Nick

TO BE CONTINUED

May 12

Stone Soup Collab Deadline

May 17

Stone Soup Collab Releases

Pico Day Lite

May 18

Pico Day (real)

May 19

Take a guess:

May 29

Stone Soup Collab Deadline

May 31

Last chance to join, you guessed it, the Stone Soup Collab.

Tankman Triweekly just barely scrapes by.

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