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NO 50: Death and Triweekly

TankmanTriweekly — October 31st, 2024

NO 50: Death and Triweekly

"ooooooooooooooh! Happy Halloween!"

Insert deceased NG user here.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR.

Good afternoon Newgrounds. This is the big one. Tankman Triweekly has hit issue #50.

I wanted to play Elton John's 1983 classic "I'm Still Standing" for the occasion, but since we don't have the rights, so the only thing we can do is mention the title and hope you find it on YouTube or Spotify, and play that in the background as you read.

Either way, I hope you all had a good Halloween.

David S. Pumpkins

BREAKING: DONALD TRUMP DIES OF HEAT EXHAUSTION WEARING SUBLO COSTUME

Image credit: @Aaron-Long

AMERICA - Former President of the United States Donald Trump had died standing outside a local Subpar.

The Republican presidential candidate attempted to film a publicity stunt at the location, where he would be hired as a street mascot intended to temporarily replace their Sublo. His job, stand outside and attract customers.

According to Tangy Mustard, Trump suffered a heat stroke whilst wearing costume and was pronounced dead by paramedics.

"The old Sublo had to call in sick this week. At the end of the day, who'd have thought it'd be the new one who'd sink?"

We interviewed the location's manager, Dick Wubhamer. Mr. Wubhamer was initially intrigued by the event, but later expressed regret over the whole thing as it later delved into madness.

"It was a weird thing to do for a presidential campaign" Dick Wubhamer said to reporters, "During the interview, he told me that Subpar was his favourite fast food chain and he wanted to see some proud Americans work, but with politicians like Trump, I'm always skeptical about his claims. We wanted to reject him, but without Sublo, how are we supposed to sell subs? No-one else over the age of 60 were applying. In the end, I pretty much had no choice but to let him do his thing. His only request was to allow his camera crew to stand on the other side of the road, as if I wasn't fucking doing that already!"

The moment Donald Trump stepped outside, two large groups of morbidly obese people showed up in droves, which Wubhamer claimed to be "an incredible success". The first group, mainly older white men wearing MAGA hats and American flag singlets that fail to cover their belly button, greeted themselves whilst shaking Trump by the hand, before ordering their food. The other group refused to enter the building, instead staging a public boycott. They were eventually escorted out by security as their protest began to spread.

After an hour, more people from both crowds showed up, just as divided as before. Both parties eventually scatter

"It was a disaster, One of them even tried to shoot us! Luckily they only hit Katy"

Two more hours pass, and fewer people pass by, let alone show up. Social media began to pick up about what just happened. Another hour passes, and Trump's face began to fog up from behind the costume. His periscope, which already has long strands of yellow hair poking out, started to emit steam, while the suit itself began to glow red.

A cameraman rushed over to try to help Trump, but Mr. Wubhamer insisted that Trump would not remove the costume until his shift ends. Tangy Mustard on the other hand, proceeded to call 911, whilst still in character.

By the time an ambulance arrived on the scene, Trump had already dropped dead, stewing away in his own orange makeup and sweat. He was 78.

CONFIRMED: IT IS HARDER TO FIND CORDELIA'S EYES THAN HER G-SPOT

Image credit: @Stradomyre

Dead Estate has been making news again, thanks to its last hurrah, the "Good Night" update. We at Tankman Triweekly would like to ask the most important question of all, something that has been bugging many fans for years.

Cordelia, the witch. Where are her eyes?

The colour, location, and even existence of the purple witch's peepers has eluded the NG community for over 4 years, and not a single person has ever been able to accurately describe or portray them.

Some have speculated she's been covering them with a 'blindfold', similar to 2B from NieR Automata, but this has not been proven, since no one has ever looked at her face longer than they've been looking at her tits.

@Edeshye, among a few people were able to find her nose.

@KarrotKae claimed to have spotted them back in 2021. One user speculated that they have faked it, using Ranni from Elden Ring as a stand-in, but given the style, and that it's in black and white, there's no way of knowing.

@Speedo thought he had found one in an official trading card, but later admitted that he had drawn over the card.

We thought we would've given up on the search, until we found insider knowledge from one of the characters.

The anonymous source, whom we shall only refer to as "J", claimed to be one of the few to actually get into bed with her.

"I've slept with a lot of things. She's got big feet, she has two clitorises, but nope, I have not seen her eyes. I've found a lot of crazy things over the years, from the Holy Grail, the Loch Ness monster, a genuine UFO. But no witch eyes, she wouldn't let me touch there.

PS: Word of caution: Do NOT tittyfuck her. I've learned this the hard way and I've lived the rest of my life as a girl ever since."

At press time, a local breast augmentation plastic surgeon faces a malpractice lawsuit.

Oct 4th:

JJ faces mass criticism over a shitty song.

No, the other one.

Oct 9th:

Someone finally remembers SkullHead.

Oct 12th:

Rare pull-string Pump plushie with unused dialogue enters circulation.

Oct 18th:

Rare pull-string Pump plushie goes up for auction on eBay.

Oct 20th:

Decent puzzle game clickbaits several Lock Legion members.

Oct 22nd:

Actor Tom Hanks bids $40 for rare plushie.

Oct 25th:

@TheTankTribune has tragically been delayed again, after previously being delayed due to recent East Coast hurricanes.

This is a notable and well-documented occurrence that has happened multiple times over the last 4 years. Most notably there was a HUGE gap between issues #99 (Feb 18th) and #100 (July 7th).

Cited reasons include memory issues, hand injuries, family and personal matters, sharks, the mafia, rival newspapers, and constant redesigns.

We cannot guarantee that this will never happen again, but we can provide new issues to readers in need.