"WOO 1355500! NICE CLEAN NUMBER"

Random NG fan.

NO: 31: Exclusive Pico Day Special

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Hello @everyone and everyone at. Pico Day's coming soon, this is a very special day. This means I need all of you to be on your best behavior today. @TomFulp's gonna be watching every single movie, playing every single game, listening to every single song, looking at every single artwork, and of course, reading every single newspost, especially this one, and we do not need any more crazy shenanigans. Got that?

OK, until that day comes, do not publish this piece until May 6th. I repeat, hold it off until May 6th!

Darnell, who according to LinkedIn, left Tankman Triweekly 2 weeks ago

TOP STORY:

"Is there anything Pico hasn't done?" Asks Mario, the Plumber, Sportsman, and Former Carpenter.

Image credit: Punch Out! (Nintendo) + Pico's Unloaded (@MindChamber)

Local plumber Mario Mario has been a huge fan of Newgrounds culture for a long time and regularly consumes Flash content like Rise of the Mushroom Kingdom and Super Mario 63. Last Saturday, he's got a lot of questions about their most iconic character, Pico.

"This Pico guy.", the 42 year old plumber said as he scrolls through past Pico Day submissions. "Everyone knows him as the high school student who stopped a school shooting, fight fire with fire, all that. But what else has he also done?"

"From what I've found, he has his own fighting crossover, he's an avid gambler, a cereal mascot, he plays DDR, he plays basketball, he's a snowboarder, he teaches you how to use a keyboard, Like literally, is there anything Pico hasn't done?"

"Did he join the Army? Sell guns on TV? The list goes on! Wait, I know what he isn't. A doctor! Good luck getting through medical school with all that long unsorted shit on your resume."

Mario finishes his conversation as he go-karts off a giant pinball table while eating golden mushrooms.

Hello, I'm Nicholas Dick, world renowned internet detective, and this is my show DICK NICK! It is my job to uncover all the weirdest, craziest, unsolvable mysteries from ye olden days of the Internet and hopefully uncover their truths once and for all!

Today, we're gonna find out what caused the closure of the General forum right here on Newgrounds.

CASE 1: Who Killed General BBS

WHAT HAPPENED: On March 22nd, Tom Fulp announced that both the General and Politics would be closed down.

They're still viewable, but all threads have been locked and no new threads can be created.

Tom says "these forums aren’t in line with the goals for the site and we don’t have the resources to handle the problems these forums create.", but there may be an ulterior motive.

However, I'm too busy trying to figure out if @thanknog and @Nogfish are the same person, so while I'm on that adventure, I'm assigning this task to my two associates, Larry Ball and Roger Ball.

EXHIBIT 1: Our Findings:

LARRY: I found this post four days prior to the closure, Chris, aka @DrunkGecko made a post calling out moderator @Malachy, who banned a user called "Seth" for "Using multiple alts to be a pest on the forums"

ROGER: And how exactly does this relate to the forums closing?

LARRY: He argues that those accounts belong to another user "Zeiwolf" who shares the same IP, but I found no such accounts that exist on here. This probably caused them to delete their account and stir up enough drama to force Tom to take action.

ROGER: Who are we talking about here? Which "Seth" are we talking about here? Seth Green? Seth Rogen? Seth MacFarlane? I suspect none of these accounts are real. That GEICO guy's more reliable than this idiot. This is a dude who posts Sonic fanfics and disgusting sex jokes "on purpose". He's not exactly a credible source. I say we should follow the REAL evidence. If this "Mal" guy is such a shitty moderator, why hasn't Tom removed him?

LARRY: I found this thread. Near the end of page 1 @TurkeyOnAStick suggests that this was just some crazy extreme conspiracy blown way out of proportion. It's messes like this that strain the poor moderators every single day and I'm glad both of them are gone because now they only have to lock 5 threads a day instead of 7.

ROGER: He had evidence that Malachy was being corrupt. Just last month he banned me for 3 days over a thread about peanuts. They could've done the right thing and kicked him off the mod team. Maybe we can just talk this rationally with Tom and he can FINALLY bring some justice.

LARRY: So NOW you're agreeing with the Gecko man? I think we should call Nick right now because it's clear I can't take it anymore!

NICK: LARRY! ROGER!! What the fuck is all this mess? Do you know how hard it is to reorganize this cork-board?!

LARRY: I dunno. I just want to go home.

ROGER: We finally figured it out. It's all one big conspiracy theory. Tom, and a handful of mods such as Malachy and Turkey, are all in to spread the narrative that Newgrounds, a site that got its start with edgy flash cartoons about school shootings and killing celebrities, is "the best site ever made where nothing can go wrong", a utopian paradise fully funded by users like you and me, a site, truly "everything by everyone".

Unfortunately, though they have come close, it's not good enough. Incidents such as those caused by Sirtom93, 321, Mist, and so on, are an inevitable part of the internet and a dime a dozen on other platforms, and especially today with all this "cancel culture" becoming so ingrained in society. As a result, they decided to go more and more woke over the years, and this has impacted their decision-making. When Malachy falsely banned a guy for alt-related crimes, in addition to his innocent roommate, and DrunkGecko blew the whistle, they decided to not just lock threads discussing it, but outright delete them, before going "fuck it" and closed off the entire forum so that they don't have to deal with it, rather than uphold free speech and take accountability for one mod's actions.

You could argue that they wanted it closed years before, but couldn't until now, but just because General's gone, that doesn't mean they can't still be corrupt. It just makes it much easier for them to cover up their own wrongdoings and get more people to agree with their leftist beliefs and policies.

NICK: Noted.

CONCLUSION:

Case discarded: Never hire a pair of nuts to do a dick's job.

JOHN CAPTAIN: You can say that again.

FEATURED ARTIST:

Today's featured artist is @RoAnimations, who makes both great art and animations, and recently has been getting into pixel art. That's an easy win. Follow him here (and only here) if you like Team Fortress 2, Pizza Tower, or Mario spinoffs.

OTHER WORKS:

Other News:

News of the past, present, and future.

Jan 26th: This one Newgrounds users' father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate released a game inspired by an underrated Nintendo platformer. Maybe you've heard of it. Maybe you've seen some fan-art on the front page or have seen the intro re-animated over a dozen times. Who knows? Maybe there'll be a sequel.

April 18th: Studies have shown that earwax is more revolting than furry porn.

April 23rd: @W-P-S, aka Waldemar Schuur, notable animator and filmmaker who created Anusboy and Savage Death Valley, has just finished his most stressful task to date... renovating his kitchen.

April 27th: A prototype of Portal Defenders: Fast Break just leaked where all the voice lines are replaced by explicit versions. Yes that is @VoicesbyCorey you're hearing.

April 28th: Episode 2 of Monkey Wrench just came ou..

NEVER MIND THAT: A 2004 thread about klay just got bumped.

May 2nd: Valve to take legal action against @Emrox's Artifacts, citing a trademark dispute

May 5th: A recent survey shows that out of 600 artists, animators, and forum regulars, 414 of them said they had one of their kidneys removed. One was reportedly told to "spread teh <3"

Tankman Triweekly is brought to you by the Undelete Hotline. Preventing account deletions since 2008.

All it takes is 1 call or less.

PHONE: 555 1905 2008

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