NO 41: Wednesday Spam

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

To any mod snooping into my project files, this will be published in the Tankman Triweekly as a blog post, not the Art Portal: If any material here was posted in one of the 4 portals, that was not on purpose. We will work this out.

Nicolas Dick

Hello Newgrounds! This is the first Tankman Triweekly of 2024. Contrary to popular belief, "Tri" actually stands for "tripping" and "weekly" stands for "weak Lee"

Inspector Larry

Don't listen to Larry, One time, I cracked open a walnut with my own finger and thumb!

Inspector Roger Lee

REPRINT: TIME TRAVELLER GOES BACK IN TIME TO SUBMIT TO 5 SHADES OF BLUE COLLAB

From issue #31: Exclusive Pico Day Special

Once this baby reaches 500° Fahrenheit, you're gonna see some serious tomfoolery.

PHILADELPHIA -- This just in, prolific Flash animator Dr. Nelson Teal has just submitted a collab part for the 5 Shades of Blue Collab

Teal, who joined Newgrounds in 1999 as OT, traveled back in time to March 16th 2005, 11:40 PM EST, using a remote-controlled gas-top stove and oven-themed time machine, in order to submit an animation he's been working on for 5 months. He has brought with him a copy of Macromedia Flash MX 2004 and 16 GB of RAM.

"I was very impressed with what Teal managed to bring to the table!" said @mynamewontfitin, organizer of the 5 Shades collab.

"A bald old bearded farmer cooks up some sort of magic powder to make his turnips grow, then one of them grows to the size of his three-story comically large mansion. He can't pull out himself, so he calls up his wife, his two children, his children's spouses, his 3 grandsons and 2 granddaughters, and the family cat, who all fail to pull the turnip out. Only after a funny looking mouse starts pulling on one of the granddaughter's shoes does the turnip break free.

THEN the turnip rolls down the hill, onto the street, over some cars, then in the ocean.

Plot twist: One of the boys managed to tunnel his way into the turnip and is now stranded on the ocean alongside a gang of human-sized insects, worms and other bugs.

Not only did the story get my attention, but his line-art is incredibly clean compared to the other parts by myself, Zekey, Xionic Demon, etc, he picked some good songs, AND he managed to cram it all in 95 seconds! Chef's kiss! Best thing I ever watched. Instant 5 stars!"

mynamewontfitin

Teal's previous works include the Flash game Cuphead (2005), a Metal-Slug-esque platformer that later inspired the Fancy Pants series. He was also a clean-up artist for the Eddsworld short Suction Cup Man (2008), and created the short film Spooky Month (2004) for Clock Day.

Hello again internet community! My name is Nicolas Dick, or Nicholas if you want to spell it like a [[TOO OFFENSIVE EVEN FOR NEWGROUNDS]], and you're tuned in to DICK NICK.

3 years ago, I pledged $100 to back Cameron @ninjamuffin99 and his team's game FRIDAY NIGHT FUNKIN', in the hopes that he'd turn it into a fully-fleshed-out commercial multi-platform release. Since then, you'd think the team would explain to backers how far along they are regarding the game's development.

Sure, they did give out updates on their blog, but it all felt pretty vague and it didn't really cover what weeks are in progress and what hadn't started yet. (Is even mentioning the name "Week 12" so taboo and secret you don't want to say it?).

As a result, we've seen videos pop up stating "What happened to FNF?" or "The REAL REASON Friday Night Funkin' DISAPPEARED", which is NOT the best way to build a reputation.

This begs the question. How far along are they in development, and most importantly: where did the money go? Here's how it went:

EXHIBIT 1: THE START OF THE INVESTIGATION:

Here's how my investigation started: I spotted Cameron at MAGFest this year. Here is an artist's rendition of what he looks like (credit: @Luis):

In case you don't know, this year's MAGFest was hosted at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center (you can't fucking make this up), in Maryland.

After the event was over, I got in my "investigation van" and tried to follow him home, not trying to look suspicious. I always though he lived in Canada, but after stopping at THREE BARS for a drink, at 5 am, he finally turned up at a motel in Philadelphia and just rested there for 5 hours before getting up and driving off, again.

The convenient Dick Nick-shaped shrubbery allowed me to keep a close eye on him. Yep, he's in his bed, hung over, like he's just failed a bellyflop dive in a pool party, nuthin' important.

EXHIBIT 1: HE SPENT IT ALL ON CRACK

Some quick context: There is a popular conspiracy theory that the devs wasted all the money on crack. While they make it seem like they blew it all, if you play your cards right, it might actually be the best investment they actually made. Turns out, it was all 100% true! Let me explain:

Just as he left his motel to pick up his laptop, I planted a tracker on his car, then proceeded to follow him again. 12:54 PM, just after noontime, he arrived at a storage unit in Delaware. I, again, watched as he opened the big metal door to reveal that the entire unit was filled with bags of white powder (I didn't know what they were yet)

Then another car drives by. Two men step out and walk towards Cameron. They looked like as if Cameron was black or Chinese, though I'm certain that the latter was Japanese. It was at this point where I snuck up and got into the neighboring, which somehow was left ajar and unlocked, to get a better listen, but unfortunately I was only able to look at the Asian guy, who's name/nickname was Cherry, according to the audio:

CAM: "Everyone here?"

BLACK: "YEP!"

CHERRY: "Yessiro!"

BLACK: Man, that's a lotta stuff!

CAM: Cherry, how did the 4th quarter go?

CHERRY: Amazing! We sold 40 pounds in Texas alone, and there was only one shootout.

CAM: Metric, Cherry. Everyone knows the imperial system is harder to calculate.

CHERRY: I meant, 18 kilos, and 42 kilos overall, which sold just shy of a record $7 million. It was originally worth $1.7 million when we got it in here, I "defunkified" it to get rid of the impurities, there were $530K operating expenses, salaries, and other costs, we lost $2 million as part of the more efficient cleansing scheme we've been using, we now have quarterly profits of $2.56 million.

CAM: I like this! I have a feeling this quarter's gonna be even better. We're gonna be movin' 100 kilos this time!

BLACK: "So Muff, where's this good headin' to?"

CAM?: "May I have to explain it again? Bill Gates is holding a party in Seattle in a few weeks, he needs 20 kilos, show up on the 4th, then there's 10 kilos that we're gonna plant in Justin Trudeau's briefcase. Turns out somebody told him about the stash in Vancouver and got it confiscated, PhantomArcade needs another 400 grams to make it through the winter. The rest we're gonna be distributing along the entire west coast from Seattle to L.A. There's also a 50 kilo batch in Florida that needs takin' care of, so I'll be headin' there, while you two go west.

BLACK: You got it Muffy boss!

CAM: Muff. I hate it when people call me Muffy! Makes me think about vampires.

My thoughts: Wonderful discussion with plenty of funny moments. I have a few animator friends that I think would do the clip the same magic they've been doing for OneyPlays, but nope! it's being used as part of an ongoing investigation, so let's move on!

EXHIBIT 2: THE CHASE CONTINUES

I know that Cam's headin' to Florida to do business. Given his acumen, he's gonna be there in 2 days, enough time for a quick detour. Might as well use that time to catch his two lackeys off-guard.

I instead tail their car as they head west. Wherever they're heading, there's a good chance they'll .

HOLY SHIT, a dog with metal teeth just jumped out of the trunk and he's chewing at the windshield. I go for my gun and fire at it twice.

BANG! BANG!

He's dead. I quickly accelerate far enough to shoot one of the tires out, straight through the chewed out windshield hole.

BANG!

Swerving, swerving, I look to my unopened can of Coke in the cup-holder, which stuff in one of my "world-renowned" Dickens™ Blueballz cherry bombs, shake up, then throw at the stopped car.

KABLAM!!!

They both exit the car unharmed, after which I quickly arrested them.

EXHIBIT 3: The Interrogation.

I now have Cherry and this black guy under my surveilance, somewhere in Illinois I suppose. Larry and Roger arrived just in time to keep them confined as I ask them about the business.

DICK: "You two were going 70 in a 50 zone. Why were you in such a rush to cross over to the west coast, I presume?"

CHERRY: Bite it, dick!

DICK: "I'll have you know that L & R over here can smell a lie when they hear it. Who are you and what is your business?"

BLACK: "Trevor Lee"

CHERRY: "Cherry Morgan"

BLACK/TREVOR: "We're just delivery guys, droppin' off an important package on behalf of Muff."

Larry and Roger pinch their necks

DICK: "Alright, Now, have you heard anything about Cameron Taylor, aka ninjamuffin99? I spotted him in a storage unit in Delaware around the same time you were starting your delivery. Is he this Muff you're talkin' about?"

TREVOR: I swear you have the wrong person"

Roger squeezes harder, numbing his feet.

DICK: "I know for a FACT he was at the"

I show Trevor the recording, along with some pictures.

CHERRY: "Just tell him what he wants?"

Larry squeezes Cherry in the neck, numbing him to the waist down.

TREVOR: "FINE: Cam, or MUFF as we've been calling him," he sarcastically proclaimed "is goin' round America shippin' crack cocaine to all over America. He's now headin' south to the Mexican border to drop the money. Are you HAPPY! Because of your meddling he's NEVER going to get FNF finished!"

DICK: "So the rumors were correct! Wait, did you say it tied to FNF?"

CHERRY: ""

DICK: "Perfect! We got all we need boys! To Mexico!"

Larry and Roger pinch them both harder, paralyzing them to the neck up,

EXHIBIT 4: TAYL'D AGAIN

Now I head south. Thank god for that tracker I planted earlier. Turns out, instead of going to Mexico as Trevor mentioned, Cameron's actually originally going to Florida as I originally expected. As I arrive to finally confront Cam at what might be his final destination, a bank.

Looks like he's making a hefty deposit, judging by the size of the banknotes and . I try to get a closer look with my camera.

BANKER: "I'd like to ask, where he heck did you get all that money? And why are the notes red?"

CAM (slowly): "I just launched the video game Friday Night Funkin' into an early access last week. This is just..."

Four armed thugs burst through the ceiling, with guns, one points it at Cameron.

THUG 1: "HANDS UP! MONEY IN THE BAG, NOW! OR THIS IDIOT GETS IT"

I run towards them, still recording, and shout. "HE'S GOT 10 MILLION BUCKS!"

THUG 2: "Really?" He then turns to Cam, who seems like he's trying to look scared. "Hand it over!"

Cam hands them the money, after which they run off to my van, most likely by accident, they throw Larry and Roger out of their seats and onto the road.

LARRY: "Aw, this is bad news Dick. They took the van!"

Here's the thing kids, whenever someone steals your vehicle, it's gonna be a pain in the ass to deal with and most often than not, very expensive. To combat this, I always rig it with explosives, so that anyone who tries to hotwire, if not steal the car. I'd be able to detect it and with the push of a button, blow them up to smithereens. Mind you, this requires a secret passcode, voice recognition, AND face recognition on my phone in order to switch on and off.

KABOOOOM!!!!

I spot Cameron, running out of the bank. Still trying to stay out of sight, I follow him into his car and sneak into his trunk.

CAM: "Bollocks ballzers bitchass dipshits! Those idiots were supposed to run off to Mexico and launder the money for me! Get me Cherry and T NOW to clean this mess up!"

OTHER GUY: "They're both unavailable"

CAM: "Shitnuggets!"

I managed to find his laptop hidden in the trunk. Surprisingly it isn't password protected. Even after getting into the illegal drug business, it's surprising to see that he's still programming.

Ritz 2, Tankmas_2023_CANCELLED.exe, SuperBowl_0.1, and 3 other random prototypes for games in here, all in 2023 alone.

And here it is! Friday Night Funkin, The Full Ass Game, 90% of the original goals added, 20 weeks have been added in. Only problem is that week 12 crashes. Pretty sure that wasn't intentional.

I copy all the contents of the game into a flash drive (a hi-speed 512GB stick with 400GB still available). Turns out it would be quicker to just steal the laptop, so I did, with the stick still inside. But not before calling the local authorities

DICK: "Hello, I'd like to report a bank robbery at Ameris Bank, Gainesville. Suspect has black hair, glasses, and a beard, and is currently heading north in a orange Tesla"

CAM: "WHO WAS THAT?"

Looks like he found me. He shoots me in the head, causing me to bleed out, living out my last moments in a dark trunk. Is this how Dick Nick ends?

THE END:

JANUARY HIGHLIGHTS:

JAN 1st:

Cassette Girl, Piercing Lazer's catalog (including the Necromancer theme from Castle Crashers, though not the character, which is still owned by The Behemoth), and the Pico's School OST, all enter the public domain.

JAN 10th:

"Steamboat Cassie", a music video courtesy of Cleetus McBill Sr, is officially released.

JAN 16th:

Tom Fulp wannabe Elon Musk creates his own X Money Gang, sponsors a MrBeast video for $250,000.

JAN 21st:

Pin the Burger in @Wegra's Mouth Day

JAN 23rd:

Pixel Day. For many people, this is their only chance of getting on the front-page.

JAN 31st:

This video. Just so you can say you found it here.

TANKMAN TRIWEEKLY PRESENTS: DAYS SINCE LAST FOAMY EPISODE:

Today, Foamy the Squirrel has officially gone

146 days

without a new upload on Newgrounds.

The episode in question: Car, was nominated, and later won Turd of the Year for the 2023 BBS Awards by @Little-Rena and voters.

That's almost half a year.

Tankman Triweekly is what @TheTankTribune is already doing, but 100% impossible to compare.

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