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OrangeClock

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Good evening Newgrounds! Writing these articles seem to be making me dizzy. IDK how it's happening or what is causing them, but this never happens when I write stories about video games.

Palette Swap Mag Editor in Chief

TANKMEN STICKING THEIR COCKS IN SPAGHETTI: "NOT APPROVED" By Lionfield

A viral video created by Tankmen 'Captain' and 'Steve' received a harsh reaction response by Lionfield, an Italian YouTube and TikTok channel consisting of musicians Matteo Salvatori and Emiliano Santoro. The duo has over 10 million followers across multiple platforms.

The video starts with Steve snapping spaghetti in half, then in quarters, before adding them to a pot of what looks like . The duo moan in disgust, having seen that exact thing happen multiple times.

"There's not enough water in that thing.", Captain says, as he tops up the pot with a can of Prime Energy.

"Are you-a boilin' da spaghetti into-da Prime Energy?" Emiliano screamed

Captain then creates a sauce using expired tomatoes and chopped-up hotdogs. He seals the sauce in foil and 'cooks' it in a dishwasher.

"a-WHY-a!?!? Itsa gonna be covered in-na soap" Matteo proclaimed whilst holding two crosses. Emiliano holds another two.

Once the pasta is finished, the Tankmen then begin to have sex with the still warm pasta, laughing as they do so. They finish off by ejaculating on top.

The video ends with the 31 year old musicians/influencers proclaiming "NOT APPROVED".

At press time, as march music plays in the background, a refurbished M13/40 tank starts approaching the Tankmen's signature black and white tank.

Good evening Newgrounds: This is Dick Nick, Internet Detective by day, paranormal hellhunter by night. Today's case continues where I left off in issue #45. I'm currently looking into the Old Order of Underworld Retro-Theists, or O.O.U.R.T for short. I am accompanied by Cleetus McBill Sr. an ol' country fella who suffered over a decade of trauma at the hands of an artist who disappeared almost a year ago. We've left out his public alias to protect McBill's sanity.

To start off, I've successfully managed to open up a gateway to the underworld. Don't ask how I did it. According to my research, there should be eight layers before we reach the core, Worst case scenario, we may need to go to all nine sections.

The gateway opened from the ground, revealing a long staircase with no discernible end. Walking down it,

Layer 1:

At the bottom of the staircase, we reach a maze, each pathway resembling a school hall, complete with

Two orange-hooded figures approach us, their tall statures and faces hidden in shadow makes them look foreboding.

"Don't be alarmed, we're just humble keepers of Dipthong" they said in a slow tone. "We just want to know, who are you two and what is your purpose here?",

I replied: "I am Nicholas Dick, internet detective, and this is my guest, Cleetus McBill Sr. We are here on a quest for answers; ie. mainly those regarding McBill's tormenter"

"You mean Zero?": the figure on the left replied. "Dipthong: Zero?"

"Is that what you guys call him?", McBill replied.

"Clearly you guys don't know the lango" the figure on the right said. "We, the keepers of Dipthong assign aliases to every member. We have a strong ranking system. Goes like this:"

"Vente Junior: this is your basic low-ranking, not quite members.

Vente:

Grand Dipthong (or Grand D): At this rank we earn the orange robes.

Grand D Master (or simply Master):

Supreme Oourt: This is the top of the top.

"Depending on your skillset, you can learn all sorts of powers such as increased precision, stamina, accuracy, and creative drives, mixed martial arts, and even superhuman and other 'impossible' feats such like force fields, plasma beams, levitation, mind manipulation, the such. You're gonna need these skills to traverse the latter layers of the Underworld. They can be very dangerous, even for a G"

"And how do we get to the 2nd layer?" I ask. "This whole place is making my head spin!"

"The right path comes from the mind!", they both said. Like what is that supposed to mean?

"Even the strongest and most effective warriors leave a trail". Speak English you fools!

"The second layer leads to one of the lockers."

I check every single locker, every single hall, every single turn, each one of them bigger than I expected. Each one of them linked to an alias, but nothing seemed to click, much less lead to anything. Ultimately I come across a kid, no younger than 14, getting smacked by an older man. Each hit getting harder and harder.

"Impatient! Impatient!", the man screamed. "At this rate, if you keep this behavior up, you are nothing!"

After 20 hits, the boy runs away in tears. Suspecting this to be a clue, I chase after him, running past multiple Dipthong theists, including a few Ventes. When he stopped to check his locker, I tried to catch him, but he disappeared in blue smoke. I checked that same locker, only to see there's no name on the label. Bingo! It's a gateway leading up to...

Layer 2:

The next layer looked bleaker. There are no lockers, not even the one I exited, and the walls get greyer the more we moved past them. McBill was getting tired, but after another 20 minutes, that tiredness seemed to go away.

We both started hallucinating, the perspective shifting all over the place, left, right, you name it. We pretty much had to force our brains to re-distort in order to figure out what happened, the process took over 2 hours and it's hurting a very specific part of my brain.

I tried to massage it to numb the pain, only for another puff of blue smoke to come out, this time taking a darker form.

Dicks. Lots of dicks. Assholes who point their fingers at their crotches as kids watch (or try not to) To me, it seems like these are probably coming from the mind of Zero, not just because that's literally what he did. I try to fight these appraritions with my Kung Fu skills, but every time I beat one of them to blue dust, another one appears behind me and gets a surprise hit on me.

After 300 'kills', one of the kids begins to scream. Not sure what to do, I try to approach the kid, only to get sucked into its mouth. This leads use to..

Layer 3:

This layer depicts a massive city. And I mean massive massive. Imagine each building the height of the Burj Khalifa. Now imagine yourself the size of a tennis ball. That's how big these are. Now imagine an earthquake, except no, you don't need to, the ground is shaking and we both got shaken around.

A shadowy figure approaches. A giant reptilian creature roars at us, it appeared as if it were a cross between Godzilla and an over-abundantly oversized gecko. , only to encounter someone else glowing blue.

Behind us was a sleek, middle-aged looking man, wearing an orange robe, but his hood is down, revealing a handsome, chiseled face, a medium-length grey beard, and no mustache.

The man leaped high into the air, stops at the monster's eyeball, kicks it blind, then jumps out of the way of a claw strike, which takes out its other eye. The man then lands back on the ground, the monster trying to step on it, only to be picked up and thrown at some buildings, rendering it unconscious. Both the monster and the man disappear again, only for 20 smaller, more diverse monsters to show up. Obviously, we can't beat them on our own, the only way out is escape.

We ran away from the monsters, only for 3 more to pop up in front of us, forcing us to make a detour.

I asked Cleetus if he was willing to experiment with something. The idea is, the more pain in his head he feels, the closer we can make it to the exit. He'd pretty much be a metal detector. He didn't agree with this idea, but I liked it enough to do it without consent. Ultimately, he screamed his way to a nest containing Gecko-zilla eggs. His pain still didn't go away, so I tried to comfort him. Nothing seemed to be working, except when I took the eggs and made him the world's largest omelette. That seemed to do the job, but his farts started to turn blue. Ultimately, he passed his shit on the floor, which was also blue. It too sucked us in, leading to the 4th layer.

To be concluded!

And that concludes our investigation. 3 layers down, 6 more to go! Stay tuned for #49 of Tankman Triweekly for more!

CALENDAR

News of the past, present, and future.

Aug 3rd

Sprite community revolts against low-poly community for relevancy.

Aug 4th

Shrinkflation? Does that affect newspapers?

Aug 8th

@NoobClock666 meets Max Design Pro and his 'colourful' cast of characters. It goes as well as you expect.

Aug 15th:

Why do we even put that on the calendar. Whatever day this is is already tattoo'd inside everyones' brains!

Aug 18th:

Doobus Goobus joins DeviantArt

Aug 26th:

Desire to start using ChatGPT increases tenfold, but ultimately

Aug 27th:

Popular animator MIGHT make a movie about the Sonic 3 trailer.

Aug 31st:

Newgrounds app starts development... on the Sega Master System.

Tankman Triweekly is the #1 hater of bananas.