"May the Force be with you!"

Stamper

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Good evening Newgrounds! I heard this news system "Tankman Triweekly" needed a new editor, and I figured I might as well apply.

Remember to throw this site a few credits!

Jocasta Nu

TOP 10 NEWGROUNDS CHARACTERS WHO MIGHT BE FORCE-SENSITIVE:

#10: Fugger from Bridge Kids

Creator: @Nihaho and @MikeCarf

Reported midichlorian count: 8,500

In the pilot episode, he definitely slowed that guy's fall. I think he might've pulled a mind trick as well.

#9: Boyfriend from FNF

Creator: @ninjamuffin99 and @phantomarcade

Midichlorian count: 8,999

Tried to join the Jedi Order, was expelled because attachments are forbidden. Please keep him away from dark side users, Sith or otherwise.

#8: Bitey

Creator Adam Philips

Reported midichlorian count: 9,300

He's can jump super high, can blend in in a group of Wookiees, and he might be proficient with a lightsaber if he found one lying on the ground. As of today, the Jedi were not able to catch him.

#7: Sanford

Creator: @Krinkels

Reported midichlorian count: 11,000

Tricky has the Improbability Drive and Jeb has his halo, what does Sanford have? How else could he keep up with the Auditor and his shenanigans?

#6: Chelsea Phillips

Creator: @BroSkullEmoji

Reported midichlorian count: 12,000.

She seems kinda emo-ish. Could be a dark side user.

#5: Bob from Weebl and Bob

Creator: @TheWeebl

Reported midichlorian count: 15,300

He's able to sense a disturbance in the Force, or when Weebl eats another pie.

#4: Pebbles the Knight

Creator: Possibly Atastic, but could be a byproduct of the Force.

Reported midichlorian count: 16,000.

Known powers: Mainly manipulation, but can Force choke.

Likelihood of turning to the dark side: Probably already has by now.

#3: FloundermanClock

Creator: B

Reported midichlorian count: At least 19,000.

Out of all the Clocks, I'm certain Flounderman has to be the strongest. He's lightning fast, could finish a Clock Day movie in 8 seconds if not for procrastination and a lack of interest, he's a great pilot, and he single-handedly exterminated an entire Hutt clan!

#2: Blockhead.

Creator: Michael Swain

Reported midichlorian count: Unknown, minimum estimate of 30,000

He may seem dumb on the outside, but make no mistake. Blockhead could quite possibly be the most powerful Sith Lord in history. He's a master manipulator, an expert at lightsaber combat, and can lift 90 tons with the Force. Also, his force lightning is green.

He was trained by Darth Quay, who learned how to transfer his spirit into another's brain, effectively possessing them. When an attempt at Lord Quay's life was made, he tried to possess his apprentice, but was unable to fully control him. He found himself in a dark black void, with nothing but a sofa and a few beers.

Since then, Blockhead has been feigning his stupidity, presumably just to spite and torture Quay's soul for as long as he lives. Maybe he'll become immortal one day.

He's also racist towards Bith, but not Gungans.

#1: @Piconjo

Creator: Of n00grounds.

Reported midichlorian count: At least 69,000.

To cheat death is a power relatively few have achieved. Reportedly, an Emperor of the old Sith was able to put his consciousness into other bodies, giving him a sense of immortality that lasted , but historians have not been able to verify that story.

What's your secret? Essence transfer? Cloning? Also, who's gh3yer? teh Jedi or teh Sith?

AD: FUCK YOU TATOOINE!

Are you dumb enough to buy a new ship or speeder this week? You're a big enough ***XXX*** to go to Watto's Junk

Womp rats! Engines that explode! JAWAS!

You think you're gonna find a good deal at Watto's you can kiss my ass!

It's my belief that you're such a crinkin' idiot, you'll fall for this poodoo. GUARANTEED!!

If you find a better deal? SHOVE IT UP YOUR ROTTEN ASS!

Yes you heard me! SHOVE IT UP YOUR ROTTEN ASS!

Bring your droids, bring your master, bring your secretly wedded wife. WE'LL FUCK HER!

That's right, WE'LL FUCK YOUR WIFE!

Because at Watto's Junk, you're fucked harder a Twi'lek on Nal Hutta.

Take a hike to WATTO'S JUNK. Home of CHALLENGE PUNCHING!

That's right! CHALLENGE PUNCHING!

How does it work? If you can punch Jabba the Hutt in the mouth and you come back here alive, you get 1 free droid part!

Don't wait, don't delay, DON'T FUCK WITH ME OR I'LL BLAST YOUR NUTS OFF!

Only at WATTO'S, The only dealer that tells you

HURRY UP NERF-HERDER! This offer ends the minute you send me your cash, and they better not be credits or you're a DEAD MOTHERFUCKER!

SUCK MY JUNK! WATTO'S JUNK! Mos Espa's meanest nerf-herding sons of Banthas in the Outer Rim.

GUARANTEED!

Hello Newgrounds. I'm Detective Richard Dick, aka. Dick Rick. I'm known as the Holonet Detective around these parts.

My brother, Nick is busy with an investigation of his own, somewhere in the Unknown Regions I suppose, while I'm solving a murder mystery.

PS: He wouldn't mind if I took his theme song.

CASE: WHO KILLED HEGO DAMASK

I found my first case in the penthouse of my apartment. The victim appears to be an elderly Muun male, approximately 160-180 years of age. I recognize his face as none other than Hego Damask, a wealthy entrepreneur, banker, political lobbyist real estate mogul, and apparently my landlord.

Damask seems to be knocked out cold, his tall, skinny, lifeless body slumped over at his dining table, a wine glass broke at his feet, perhaps he dropped it. He was intoxicated, his alcohol level was at 0.31, which could either put him to sleep or render him unconscious, but it didn't kill him. He was also wearing a cybernetic breathing mask covering his jaw and neck, which seemed to have stopped working. He seemed old and frail, this would've been a perfect weak spot for a murderer to attack. He could've survived a previous attack,

But let's not jump to conclusions.

I checked the dishes. There are several bottles of wine on the table, mostly Sullustan wine, but there was one bottle from Naboo. One platter had an assortment of meats, cheeses, jogan fruit, and some other delicacies from different parts of the galaxy, but it seems like someone ate all the bantha cheese. The rest are mostly empty.

I go to one of the silver platters that still has food on it, and I try to pick up one of the forks, but then it hit me. No, literally the fork hit me with a spark of electricity. Ouch! I reluctantly try to touch it again. Ouch! Another spark! Thank goodness I'm recording this. I touch some of the other silverware. Every single one of them held on to a bit of energy.

That was embarrassing. But I was able to work out a cause of death: electrical shock. Opening up Damask's breathing apparatus and examining the workings confirms this. Most of the transistors seem to have fried up simultaneously. There is no way the breathing mask could spontaneously combust like that, whilst also simultaneously sparking electricity all over the silverware. The electricity had to have come from an external source, hit Damask, hit Damask's mask, then mask itself all over the table where I can still touch it to this day.

Searching the rest of the suite for clues gave me more clues, little by little. The kitchen, empty. A man as rich as Damask would probably have a personal cook and butler somewhere, but NOPE. Couldn't find them...

Never mind, three corpses were stuffed in the pantry, most likely by the killer. I guess he wanted to cover his tracks.

The living room: I don't see any murder weapons lying around, but I do see 5 briefcases containing Republic credits. Counting them all would net well over 3 billion.

The bathroom: another case of credits, this time behind the toilet. Part of me want to decapitate Damask's corpse and stuff it down there, but as much as it would make a decent Michael Bay movie, I've got much more important matters.

Anyway: where was I? Of course: the library. A true sign of intelligence. A lot of the archives are missing, probably taken or lost or what, but there were three holobooks that peaked my interest:

BOOK 1: FORCE LIGHTNING

First, there's this one on a power called Force lightning. I had originally heard about this rare Dark Side ability where someone could produce lightning from within their fingertips, but it could just be some bullshit. on the holonet. Surely a savvy businessman wouldn't be reading some garbage some rando wrote in their mother's basement, so this must be real. Maybe this is what killed him. It all adds up, but at the same time, how? As in, what the hell was the guy's motive here?

You kill a wealthy businessman using a rare Force ability, he has billions of credits lying around in plain sight, and yet you don't take them?. Maybe, I thought, it could be politically motivated.

• About 80 years ago, he "started up" a mining company to mine cortosis in Bal'demnic, in reality, he had taken over after the original executives went missing. The mining would've pissed off a lot of the natives and triggered millions more, but the missing executives?
• 20 years ago, Damask bought the social media company Tusker for 45 billion Republic credits, which he then renamed to K, then heavily politicised it to the point where thousands of conspiracy nutjobs got their accounts unbanned and were spreading rampant, despite frequent fact-checking.
• A lot of people also tried to cancel Damask on K due to various social and cultural issues, such as slavery. Didn't give a shit when a group of moisture farmers protested against Gardulla the Hutt for forcing that pregnant lady to work overtime. "Who cares if she says there's no father, she needed some rest and maybe a roasted womp rat topped with ice cream to kill the cravings. Let's cancel that white-ass nerf-herder". they all said as Damask remarked about how "she didn't work hard enough".

So I figured. It can't be some random bounty hunter because how many bounty hunters do you know that are Force-sensitive, let alone proficient enough to use Force lightning. It's unlikely. I can also rule out the Jedi for the same reason.

I kept looking for answers.

This next book, I figured out more about Damask than I initially hoped. This seems to be a personal journal of some sorts. I read a few excerpts: This one starts about 80 years before his death.

BOOK 2: DARTH PLAGUEIS

"Day 1 on Bal'demnic. My master, Darth Tenebrous, Dark Lord of the Sith, had just discovered a rare metal on this planet called Bal'demnic. Little does he know, I've been training an apprentice of my own, a smuggler whom I don't even know the name of. Let's just call him Qimir for now. I'll come up with a proper title later, but right now, I'll wait for the perfect opportunity to drop him dead. He's gonna regret the day he met me, Darth Plagueis the Wise!"

Hmm, a Dark Lord of the Sith. Hadn't they been extinct for a millennium?

"Day 18: Tenebrous and I spent the last few weeks in this mine. Qimir's waiting in the hidden lair. As per the Rule of Two, he can't be my Sith apprentice, he's what we call an 'acolyte'. Not my fault they only allow two of us. Blame Darth Bane, If he hadn't been wouldn't be in this mess.

Anyway: This metal, cortosis develops deep in the ground. It can deflect lightsaber blades, which could make this a very useful resource that could help us rule the galaxy. Or make me a shitload of credits. Only problem, Tenebrous, again, need to die for my plan to go through. He'll fall any second."

"Day 21: I have good news and bad news!

Good news, Master got himself caught in an explosion. Can't say that I planned this, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Mine collapsed on top of him and he's about to die.

Bad news: The ship's been damaged and it's gonna take a while to get it repaired. I guess in the mean time I can now finally train Qimir in the ways of the Force, to be my new, true, Sith apprentice. For real!"

"Day 400: It seems like Qimir has found himself an acolyte. Sure, she's a black woman, but I'd rather it not be a Bith. Did you not hear that saying 'Bith Sith don't stick'?

He told me she was born to a witch who conceived her through the Force, ie. she didn't have a father. which is genuinely interesting. Maybe I should try that some day.

Eventually he lost her, but later brought in an identical twin named 'Verosha', or 'Osha' for short.

I watch as the two leave on their ship."

Booooring. I found this other book. Let's look at a few MORE excerpts.

BOOK 3: DARTH SIDIOUS

"Whilst on a business trip to Naboo, I came across this young lad, he had an extremely high midichlorian count, as well as a knack for politics. Seeing how well my last apprentice has done, I figured, 'why not?' and welcomed him in.

I name thee... Darth Sidious"

Hopefully, he can rise up the ranks and make his way into intergalactic matters. Maybe he could run for Chancellor?

Yada yada yado Yoda. skip skip skip a few more years.

"ASSASSINS showed up and kicked most of my fellow Muuns to the curb, but I was still able to fend them off. On the bright side, I still have Lord Sidious. And I've discovered the secret to save people from dying, so no big deal. Bad news, the assassination attempt left my throat thrashed, doctors say I now have to wear this breathing mask for the rest of my life. A life that might as well last forever!"

And now this one's fairly recent It's only a few years old.

"Looks like Sidious is training an apprentice of his own, a young Zabrak whom he's named "Darth Maul. Do I sense a pattern? Maybe not. I should be fine, as long as Maul doesn't become too big of a deal.

I still trust Sidious though. After all, I did teach him everything I knew."

So long story short, Damask was a Sith Lord called Darth Plagueis, the Sith being this secret cult who wants to rule the galaxy as a fascist dictatorship, working their way up the corporate and/or political ladders to achieve their goal. And that part of the ritual involves the apprentice killing their master at some point. Could it be, that this 'Darth Sidious' is the one who killed Damask? AKA Plagueis?

Anyway, that's where my investigation ends. If anyone knows anything about this "Darth Sidious", please let me know. Write me a letter and mail it to my HQ, at Unit 50-C4, Kaldani Spires Residential Apartments: Coruscant.

And as always, thank you for tuning in to DICK NICK, with Rick. I wish you well brother!

CALENDAR

News of the past, present, and future

July 2nd

Both the most important, and least important day on the entire site.

July 6th

Moderators debate about whether to allow stop-motion created using Force levitation.

July 14th

@TomFulp bans pornographic Togruta art. A lot of them were underage.

July 18th

All IP addresses related to Kamino are banned from Newgrounds.

July 21st

Under construction

July 30th

Mandalorians freak out as @DrunkGecko posts another photo of herself not wearing a helmet.

August 15th

Group of clock-faced Jedi wonder why their Hutt and Toydarian audiences aren't voting 5.

Tankman Triweekly is written and directed by Leslye Headland.