Where do you find sea salt caramels coated in chocolate?

Not @DoctorStrongbad

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Welcome back to the Tankman Triweekly, the first newspaper on Newgrounds to post a new issue in 2022. And just in time for Pixel Day, a holiday originally created to promote a Pico fangame stuck in development hell to this day, of which I have NO IDEA that it even exists.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: AUSTRALIA'S IN A BIG SHOCK, POLLIES UNEXPECTEDLY BROADCAST FNF RULE 34

AUSTRALIA: A meeting held at the National Cabinet was briefly interrupted by a Friday Night Funkin' porn video. The submission in question depicts the Girlfriend having intercourse with Pico from Pico's School. The unexpected transmission lasted about two minutes according to every single attendee.

"I had no idea how that even happened. One moment I'm trying to demonstrate how we could reopen all the schools 1 week ahead of schedule, then suddenly I'm looking at a big red c**t. Two minutes later I'm looking at another big red c**t trying to explain to him what we just saw. Right now I think it's breast, I mean breast. Best. I think it's breast that we prioritise development of a new proprietary video conferencing software so we all don't get hacked again!"

Scott Morrison, Prime Minister of Australia

Two days later, it was revealed that the meeting had not been hacked.

FNF STAR LEGALLY CHANGES NAME FOLLOWING RECENT MARRIAGE

It's official! The main protagonist of Friday Night Funkin', has confirmed on Twitter that he had legally changed his name to Boyfriend to Husband, just days after his marriage with Girlfriend.

Husband's marriage was met with controversy, with several people objecting to the marriage:

"I know I lost 20 rap battles to that man in the past five years, but since this is my daughter he's marrying, I'm the one who has to file all the annoying paperwork!"

Daddy Dearest, father of the bride.

"As a fellow musician, you might want to actually pick a normal name. Sounds like the non-deceased version of me. And no it's not 'cuz my face got leaked, Egoraptor hoaxed the whole thing. I was in on it!"

CORPSE, Main antagonist of the Vs Corpse Husband mod.

"If I had known that they were actually going to be named 'Husband' and 'Wife', I wouldn't have rented out my barn for this damn wedding!"

Cleetus McBill Sr.

"Don't look at me. They're serving free Hot Pockets"

Peter Molyneux, successful game designer who ran a successful Kickstarter campaign

"Who said their names were actually Boyfriend and Girlfriend? NOT CANON!"

@ninjamuffin99, successful game designer who ran a successful Kickstarter campaign

YET ANOTHER TALENTED NEWGROUNDS ANIMATOR RESORTS TO LIFE IN BORING GAMING YOUTUBE SCENE

Ten years ago, one Arin Hanson decided to quit Newgrounds and move to gaming, RubberNinja and Oney had also succumbed to a similar fate, though not as drastic.

Today, on Pixel Day, we lose another one. @Anonymous-Frog, who just debuted their gaming video series FLYCOM, a commentary / review channel based around their sentient PC. The first episode covers a game called Jelly's Venture, an official game based around the YouTuber Jelly, which further proves that this frog had sold out to the YouTube algorithm

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCztS6UYeduI2nikXtv8lBmw

To ensure that they don't stop making animations, we at Tankman Triweekly urge you to not like any videos, not subscribe to FLYCOM, and not to comment on their flies. We hope it struggles to get barely over 12 views!

@RefurbishedChezmond

Do you even know how to poast a URL?

@PigLice

Don't poke the big black bear

@Xinxinix

Is a terrible Among Us player

@DyinSon (RyanSon)

Has been 16 years old for 16 years

@ayekerik

I literally have no idea what you're up to these days because there's no new issues of @TheTankTribune.

@The-Great-One

Kidnapped by the Mafia

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS

@moikaloop, @Drawsputin, Gideon Lichfield

CALENDAR:

Feb 3rd:

@Frobama vs @Bacun Boxing Match

Feb 13:

@BalloonShroom's art contest ends.

And yes, this IS a real front-paged contest. Must be @TomFulp's nephew or something.

March 4th:

Smiling Friends Art Contest Deadline ($4,000 in prizes)

Today's featured audio comes from @Droid's Jamuary Music Challenge, who conveniently ripped off the Clock Crew's Flash Flood for music:

https://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1490710

Image credit: Cleetus McBill Sr.

Tankman Triweekly is better than any Tiger Electronics Wrist Game

READ PREVIOUS ISSUES | SUPPORT NEWGROUNDS | FOLLOW ANONYMOUS FROG

SPECIAL THANKS TO EVERYONE EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN THE TRIWEEKLY!

VIP Section

@ThatJohnnyGuy @IvanAlmighty @TomFulp @Stepford

Everyone Else

@milkypossum @Yomuchan @BrandyBuizel @AkioDaku @LittleMincedLady @Little-Rena @ShaeGuy

@ImUnoriginalOkay @The-Great-One @Cyberdevil @HawtDogull

NO 15: Peter The Ant Day:

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Welcome back to Tankman Triweekly. Unfortunatly this will be the last issue for 2021. But please still follow because there will still be a healthy dose of issues in 2022.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: MOUSE-USERS PROTEST AGAINST TABLET GIVEAWAY

The Newgrounds mouse community have spoken out in protest against the annual tablet giveaways hosted by Newgrounds, gathering around Amazon's headquarters to prevent shipments.

Last year, over 50 tablets were given away to the Newgrounds community.

"Mouse drawn art is a dying breed. And every time a tablet is given away, that's one step closer to going on 'easy mode'.

Yeah, drawing with a mouse may be more difficult than using a tablet, but it has its charms"

@Luis

"Thank God this is only an American problem."

@RGPAnims

"What's a tablet?"

@BonumShxt

It's gotten to the point where @TomFulp has been forced to step in.

"I know some people may be fed up with our tablet giveways, but I assure you that if you don't want a new tablet, don't join the giveaway, but it seems like that isn't satisfying anyone anymore. This is why we'll also be giving away 5 Logitech G G502 HERO gaming mice for anyone who wants those too, thanks to an anonymous $700 donation specifically for this request!"

As of December 26th the protest is still ongoing.

MUSICIAN AND MOTHER CAUGHT IN FRAUD ATTEMPT

Local woman Mary Cheney was found guilty over an attempt to claim her son Aden @acheney Cheney's life insurance. Mary had reported his death on November 15th, where it was reported that ACheney was last seen at his workplace before being run over in an apparent suicide attempt. A witness reported that "Cheney is dead!", but when officials were called over to carry out an autopsy, it was discovered that the body actually belonged to former Vice President Dick Cheney (no relation).

Aden will be attending therapy after the incident, of which he claims he had no involvement in.

CHRIS PRATT TO VOICE IN UPCOMING MADNESS COMBAT CARTOON

@Krinkels has confirmed that he got Chris Pratt to voice a surprise new character in Part 2 of Madness Combat 9.5. So far Pratt's performance has not been revealed, meaning the Madness community is very good at not leaking shit. Pratt himself confirmed this, having also stated on Twitter that he will not be voicing any existing protagonists like Hank or 2BDamned.

With MADNESS Project Nexus becoming a major success, receiving overwhelming positive reviews and heavily praised by its massive fanbase, it was to be expected for the creators to push the series beyond its limits and this celebrity cameo proves that.

@lightningcarp:

Lies

@Snackers:

Discrimination against amphibians.

@TheShadling

Never play Monopoly with this guy.

Today's featured audio is from @Shreddit, who has decided to take their attacks on Reddit from YouTube to Newgrounds. Thankfully you can still skip ahead to each post because the original YouTube videos are embedded.

CALENDAR:

January 9th:

Suicide rates go up while Adult Swim viewership rates go down.

February 14th:

The acquisition of FNF by CD Projekt Red expected to complete by this point.

April 30th:

Beefcaker Day.

Tankman Triweekly is the only newspaper that let you come to your own conclusions:

PATRONS:

$5 Tier

@thebulbmin @HawtDogull @Empkayin @JoeyTheMarillFan @EpithetSoup @Wegra @SUSSYBAGEL @ramdonperson @olskoo @Colizza @KingCringe

$10 Tier

@BonumShxt @beeni @shintskumi

$100 Tier

@321

NO 14: Saturday Spam + Interview with ZabuJard

Theme song by @sorohanro.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

I'd like to apologise for lying about @ngman7's involvement of the funding of Tankman Triweekly from issue #13 because he claims he didn't pay us $1. The truth is he donated $2.

I don't get why he had to whine about it and just give us more free publicity. I mean he's definitely a big fan. He even has the same profile picture as the Triweekly.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS HIDES VOTING FROM REVIEW SCORES, FACES EXTREME BACKLASH

It's official! Newgrounds is getting rid of voting, sort of. You can still vote, but it won't be tied to your review, ie. it won't be public. They will also be abbreviating the vote count to the nearest half star,

For example, your movie scores 3.69 / 5.00, it will be abbreviated to 3.5 / 5.0.

According to Tom Fulp in his latest post, they'll still be visible to creators, but they'll be hidden from the general public.

When asked about why be made the decision, he had this to say:

"What are you going to do, vote against us? We hid the votes because trolls keep review bombing every single movie, especially @Doobus-Goobus's, who makes the highest quality animations of all time!

We've experimented with something similar the year before when we gave users the option to hide their review scores and we found that those who did hide them weren't as likely to coordinate attacks towards other creators. We want to keep Newgrounds as a safe space for everyone to make everything, and we cannot achieve that when creators are being bullied left right and center.

We've also been receiving complaints about creators not getting awards because of said attacks. By hiding the votes somewhat we are disencouraging users to manipulate the votes into giving Daily awards to their favourite creators"

@TomFulp

This change has already taken place in the United States and will roll over to other countries starting tomorrow.

HELP WANTED: TANKMAN TRIWEEKLY NEEDS 'PAPERBOYS' TO PING TARGETED AUDIENCE

We can't ping like we used to. Our audience are growing too fast. We need YOUR help to bring attention to our growing newspaper. Due to not submitting any flash ourselves, we do not have the privileges to frontpage our newsposts and even if we did, we can only do that every 2 weeks. That's why we're hiring people to advertise our newspaper for us!

The type of people we want this paper shared to include:

* Followers of @TankmanTriweekly

* Followers of @Anonymous-Frog or any of their alts.

* Subscribers of @TheTankTribune, @TheInterviewer, or any of @The-Great-One's other projects.

* Followers of whatever our articles cover, in this case, followers of @ZabuJard (whom we had interviewed for this issue, as you'll see later)

* Your own followers

* Your family

* Tom Fulp

* The biggest Discord server you can find.

* Twitter

* Pretty much anyone else with a remote interest for anything Newgrounds related.

We also encourage to get those people pinging potential new readers and get them to ping more people and so on until everyone's notifications include nothing but Tankman Triweekly articles.

Interview with ZabuJard:

Interview No. 1XX (I lost track)

Interview By: @Anonymous-Frog

Finally someone worthwhile! Today's guest is a bit controversial to some. You may love him, you may hate him, but in the past two years, he's been growing as fast as he's been pushing the two uploads per day limit. This is the Spam Prince of Newgrounds himself, @ZabuJard!

Q: How did you find Newgrounds and why did you join?

A: i found it when i was super young. i joined cuz i liked making cartoons and at the time flash couldnt really export to video (utube) so NG was the best place to upload SWF cartoons. and i liked the games and toons on there.

-

Q: You have well over 500 games on Newgrounds. That is an absurd number for just one person. How have you managed to make so many?

A: im a little impatient when it comes to stuff like this. i like to make things very fast and i enjoy the feeling of finishing things, even if theyre rushed. also making 2 things a day on NG became a weird habit and well not its gotten pretty out of control. got way more stuff on there than eveyrone else, and well now it feels like i can never stop. but also, the blessed engine i use a lot (construct 2) i find is the perfect spam engine for something like this. eventually i wanted to make every single type of game there is, and im almost there at this point. i also have this goal to make the NG front page one day, after 13 years fulp still hasnt given me that pleasure, so now its just a cat and mouse game between me and fulp, who i know plays some of my stuff sometimes as i see his name on the score boards.

-

Q: Tell me more. When did you first start using Construct 2?

A: Actually only a few years ago I think. Flash was my first love and I loved making games on that first. But now I love both of them. Construct is the best because I'm not a huge fan of tyiping code anyways and c2 is great visual scripting, which I also use in unity

-

Q: How did you come up with the name 'ZabuJard'?

A: I get asked this a lot but it's a silly story.I was really into Naruto at the time I made the name and I combined my name Jare and this character Zabuza into one name lol

-

Q: The oldest submission you made that I can find appears to be Clock Day Z. Is that your first submission on NG? Or was there something you made before that?

A: yeah that was probly the first thing i imagine

a lot of my stuff has been blammed tho so im not sure

-

Q: In 2018, you participated in The Pacman Collab. What was that like?

A: It was cool to be a part of a front page project . But I never talked to any of the other participants

-

Q: 'Sprite' seems to be a very frequent subject matter in your games. What inspired you to use this soft drink in so many projects?

A: i love soda. sprite specifically however is probably the only soda i really hate. i think its funny in an ironic way to make games about absolutely dumb stuff, farts, sprite, the absolute dumbest things in the world. and for some reason i think its hilarious to do this.

-

Q: One thing I don't seem to see much out of you is in the Audio Portal. How has your experience with that changed over the years?

A: making music is pretty tricky for me. i cant wrap my head around it. so i ended up making silly rap songs about fulp eventually. now that i mostly live at rehabs i cant really even make singing or voice acting or rapping songs now because of the lack of privacy, otherwise id probly make a few more raps here and there. i have a rough undertanding of FL studio and ableton but still i find it hard to make catchy music, like im missing something. ill leave based songmaking to smarty pants bad boys like @VURB

-

Q: How have you managed life outside of Newgrounds?

A: im hanging in there but its been a bit rough since i got kicked out of parents house a year ago. i have a few goals that help motivate me forward, like being an e star boy >: ) so i try to focus on those

-

Q: What can we expect from ZabuJard in the future?

a lot more "spam" content and raindrop lore stuff. i wana do a full length raindrop movie sometime. so hopefully that. oh and a FRONT PAGE SUBMISSION - VERY VERY SOON, or far away probably. but its coming. just wait.

-

Q: Thank you for your time. Anything else you'd like to say before I finish this interview?

A: nah thnx frog ;-0 next time i interview YOU

ZabuJard is one of those creators who I originally overlooked while browsing the Under Judgement section of Newgrounds. Like everyone else who submits spam to Newgrounds, I just v0ted accordingly and moved on. That was until I started actually playing the games and before long I was addicted to getting the high score as often as possible. I probably need to go to rehab just as much as he does.

@Aprime

Need someone to name a game based on random generation? Why not use the game itself!

@pixelturkey

Statistics have shown that 69% of all Newgrounders are lactose intolerant.

Today's featured audio comes from @sorohanro's back catalogue, which can be recommended by any old newspaper.

CALENDAR

November 18th 2021:

Mint-condition sealed boxed copy of Alien Hominid for Game Boy Advance on sale on Heritage Auctions. Currently going for $420,000.

December 23rd 2021

National Eat Your Own Ballsack Day. We are hosting a contest where you draw yourself... you know. Vegetarian-friendly options available.

January 2nd 2021

FNF finally announced their release date... for their Kickstarter update.

Credit: @TheShadling

Tankman Triweekly, through some rather dodgy contract is now a part of Dohn's Desk Productions.

[ SUPPORT ON PATREON | SUPPORT NEWGROUNDS ]

$2 Patrons:

@AkioDaku @B @Cyberdevil @DrunkGecko @EpithetSoup @F @G @HawtDogull @ImUnoriginalOkay @JoeyTheMarillFan @Krinkels @LittleMincedLady @Midnights-Ocean @ninjamuffin99 @OrangeFluff @plufmot @Quarl @RGPAnims @Stepford @TomFulp @UggoSonno @VURB @Wegra @Xinxinix @Yomuchan @ZJ

'I tacked this quote on seconds after publication'

@Anonymous-Frog

NO 13: Stuff You Probably Missed in the Past 3 Months: November 10th 2021

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Newgrounds. You may have run into this site at least once in the past 20 years There are thousands of creators out there who have made this website what it is. Some have managed to rise above the others and make a name for themselves. You have long-time mainstays like Madness, more recent submissions such as Henry Stickmin, and even stuff that will still be widely remembered long after you had perished. You even have stuff on there that you don't want your parents knowing you watch, not that the Internet does a good job stopping them slip through Peter Molyneux's arse cracks (God dammit Ankha!). But 9 times out of 10, your creations are only gonna get a day of exposure at best. Your best hope is to reach out to the local paper to get your word out. Unfortunately, the ongoing news drought that's been going on here won't be cleared up for at least a month!

Today, we take a look at these missed movies, these forgotten flashes, and these neglected news stories, as I say..

BUT HELLO YOU!! I'm the Anonymous Frog, and I welcome you to Tankman Triweekly.

3 Newgrounds Stories You Probably Missed In the Past 3 Months, most likely because the Tank Tribune has yet to return, but in hindsight that probably doesn't make a good title.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: Big Newgrounds Personalities Make #TeamDeez Hashtag Trending on Newgrounds. Donates to Fight Cancer.

On October 29th 2021, Newgrounds regulars @olskoo and @mike have launched a new fundraising campaign to prevent testicular cancer. #TeamDeez aims to raise $1 million to save 1 million nuts by the end of 2021, which should save approximately 500,001 people.

In just one hour, 1,642 people donated approximately $53,000 to Team Deez. As of November 7th it had increased up to $300,000.

Users all over Newgrounds have started using the #TeamDeez tag to raise awareness for the campaign, including some of the biggest artists on the platform. Most notably is a comic by @rtil where women with big tits die from choking on infected testicles.

TIFU BY WASTING A PERFECTLY GOOD SHIRT

Crossposted from r/TIFU And Totally Didn't Steal This Copypasta From an Episode of Roommates

Let's start, and end, with the shirts. Dressing is a big deal to me -- ever since I (a) became single, and (b) lost 60 pounts, I've become something of a clotheshorse. I don't know the etymology of that expression, but it's such a neat work I wanted to use it. (Am I like a sawhorse, but for clothing instead of sawing?)

At any rate, I've started shopping at the smallest, snottiest, exclusiviest (I know, not a word) little men's boutiques I can find. At first I was content merely having the guys at Nordstrom know me by name (and call me when they got a new season's worth of fashions), but that was merely a gateway (like marijuana in the eyes of conservatives) to littler shops, where each individual thread in a garment has a value measured in dollars, not pennies

Sadly, these kinds of shirts require dry-cleaning, which requires that I make it to the dry-cleaner. This is something of an issue for me, because I'm wont to keep odd hours, and because when I'm awaje I'm usually working (c.f. "being single, the suckiness inherent therein"). So for the last week, in preparation for WWDC, I've been driving around with a big blue laundry bag full of dirty shirts in the passenger seat of my pimp ride.

I should mention that, when I was a wee lad, I had visions of one day getting a pimp ride, so that when I passed pretty women on the side of the street who were forlornly walking somewhere, I could pull up and say "Hey, mamasita, you want a ride?" I've been informed that women find this, in face, really creepy, so I've never actually done it, but I have to mention that every guy has a fantasy of one day doing this, even while admitting this fantasy is in direct opposition to any possible reality

At any rate, you can imagine how cool it is to drive by a pretty woman walking in the rain and think, "Hey, I should offer her a ride... wait, then she'd have to have my big bag of stinky shirts in her lap... that'd probably strike her as pretty strange... possibly even frightening."

|

So it is that, when packing for WWDC 2005, I only took one good shirt with me. Mind you, this was a really good shirt. This shirt was made in London by a guy named Ted or James or some such, which to me lends instant credibility to it, because as much as I love (the blue states in) my country, when I think of America I think of rebels, I think of individuals, Ithink of can-do spirit and an indomitable dedication to individual freedoms and happiness. But I don't think, "Nice shirts!".

London, on the other hand, has class and panache, and Ted/James clearly was the latest in a long line of shirt-makers who had, for generations, been making shirts for discerning gentlemen, not carrying guns, and/or shipping off criminals to unsettled countries.

Nor is the corron in this shirt simply from cotton plants, oh no. It's grown someplace exotic, like Morocco, and it seems to carry a slight sent of the spices of distant lands on it. Bury your face in this shirt and you can almost hear Bogey whispering, "Listen, kid, this shirt is bigger than the both of us..."

I've received about five or so unsolicited compliments in this shirt, which is five more times than I have in any other shirt. Guys don't get complimented on shirts a lot, unless they say, "Hey, look at this shirt," which I admit I've done a couple times, but I'm saying I've been complimented on this shirt without fishing for it, five times.

|

And so I wore this shirt on Tuesday at WWDC 2005, because Tuesday was the day of the Apple Design Awards. My previous company had won a number of these when I was running it, and this award had a personal meaning to me. This was the first time my new company had entered, and I had high hopes. And, should I win, I wanted to be up on that stage smiling at the crowd while looking fine in my shirt that combined the best part of London and Morocco.

And here's where the story take a tragic turn, because, in their unknowable yet infallible wisdom, Apple suddenly decided the Design Awards would be on Wednesday. I found this out late Tuesday, and spend the day grousing to all and sundry about how this messed up my plans vis-a-vis the shirt. nd everyone agreen that it was, in fact, a very nice shirt, but I should note that I didn't count these compliments towards my previously mentioned total of five, because I was really fishing.

For a moment I thought this mishap might end up for the best, because that night several of us nerd ended up at a bar, and in my mildly drunken state I started talking with a pretty lady about... well, I don't remember. Something, I'm sure. We'll call her Laurie Anderson, because she looks just like a young Laurie Anderson, and it'll be more evocative this way. I didn't exectly hit on Laurie, per se, but I will say I was glad I was wearing a nice shirt. It wasn't until the next night that one of her friends let me know, in a very friendly manner, that if I had intentions towards Ms. Anderson I might reconsider them, because she was, in fact, as interested in women as I was.

Which was a nice thing to do, frankly, because it's good to know the boundaries of your relationship with someone right at the start -- I like it when women I'm talking to let it be known they have a steady boyfriend, for example, notbecause I can then cut bait and run, but because I can adjust my expectations and demeanor accordingly, and not embarass myself or her. For example, you don't say 'I want to nibble your neck." to a woman with a boyfriend. Instead, you'd use the more coy, "If you didn't have a boyfriend, I would certainly be interested in your neck, vis-a-vis the nibbling thereof." See, it's all about delivery.

But upon reflection later that night, I felt I hadn't made very effective use of my shirt, and so it was with a heavy heart that I finally took off, realising that it had been sullied for naught. Actually, I was pretty drunk when I got back to the hotel, so all I remember is thinking how much effort it was to take clothes off and put them in a pole.

GIANT BLUE RAT ADMITS TO EJACULATING IN RECENTLY ACQUIRED SOCK

Image credit: @Butzbo

Yesterday a local rodent had said that he had failed No Nut November after just 9 days, just 4 days more than his previous record in 2019.

"I can't believe that I managed to last this long", the 21 year old rodent said. "But after a week I kept getting 6 hour erections. It's not fucking healthy if you weigh 300 pounds, so I had no choice. But I'm not leaving a single drop of jizz lying around the tower, so I blew it all in a sock I found. That's when I remembered that I don't own socks. I have no idea where this sock came from, so I threw it away at the top floor hoping no one will notice what I had done"

The sock had previously belonged to a local reptilian named Cherp, who rather than calling the police to get his socks back, committed mass genocide in the neighboring castle in an attempt to take them by force. The ghost who had possessed one of the socks had this to say:

"Even though he kicked my ass, I still managed to get a few hits on him. Not that I was any powerful myself. He's way too slow to dodge my scythe!"

@GraysonA:

Totally not an alt of GrayAnimations

@GrayAnimations:

Totally not an alt of GraysonA

CALENDAR

November 12th 2021:

Court procedings for alleged money laundering scheme thinly disguised as a $3,000 animation contest will take place.

November 18th 2021:

REALM 6 Kickstarter Deadline: Currently $15,518 raised out of a $45,000 goal

December 29th 2021:

Monster Lab Season Finale: Meatcanyon to pitch Season 2 to Nickelodeon.

Credit: @ButtChamber. Censored for obvious reasons

Tankman Triweekly is owned by Rupert Murdoch since 2018, but we refuse to let him shut it down, so that's why we're funded by you lots over on Patreon:

Special thanks to these people for donating:

$50 Patrons:

@evilsk8r @TomFulp

$25 Patrons

@Cyberdevil @AkioDaku @Neentandoo @NMDC @olskoo @The-Great-One

$1 Patrons

@plufmot @hcnone @OrangeFluff @ngman7 @EpithetSoup

@HawtDogull @ocoolman @Midnights-Ocean @EdwardPlayer

Not a patron: Join our unsubscribe newsletter by giving us a PM!

You have doodoo on your finger

@Luis

NO 12: October 21st: Hands-Free Hacking.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Welcome back to Tankman Triweekly, the only newspaper still going strong on Newgrounds, unfortunately, due to the Tank Tribune being pushed back to December because @The-Great-One's wrists STILL hurt. uh, sorry about that.

No amount of wrist pain will ever stop the Tankman Triweekly from coming out every month.

@Anonymous-Frog.

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS CHRISTMAS LIST EXPOSED TO PUBLIC IN HUGE DATA BREACH

'Those are some pretty large pages':

Wall Street Journal

A post on the BBS was made that explains in full details what everyone on Newgrounds wanted for Christmas in 2021. This leak is completely legit according to regular @DrunkGecko, who somehow logged in to Santa's Google Drive after setting his VPN to the North Pole to get around yet another temporary ban.

Here's a small snippet the list contains, provided to us by DrunkGecko:

@0DearKruno: The Ultimate Digital Drawing Guide for Dummies - Volume 3

@Cyberdevil: NVIDIA RTX 3090

@Doobus-Goobus: Mechanised laser security system + flycatcher + bear traps

@JimmyBiscuit: ZERO DOLLARS

@JoeyTheMarillFan: 2 Master Balls

@Krinkels: 60 packs of cigarettes

@ngman7: Lifetime supply of goat heads

@ninjamuffin99: Coal

@Piconjo: Coal

Santa: 2 years Supporter on Newgrounds (on behalf of @olskoo)

@Stepford: Custom design sweater, bulk order

@The-Great-One: EZUS Voice to Text Botinator 4000

@TomFulp: Coal

@Wegra: Red Lamborghini

@ZabuJard: Coal powered furnace

Now that your wishes are public information, now's the time to clean up your act!

DEAD ESTATE IS ALREADY RUNNING AT 120FPS ON XBOX

Credit: Milk Bar Lads

The full version of Dead Estate has already been out for a few days, but that hasn't stopped hackers from jailbreaking their Xboxes to be able to get this game working on next-gen consoles.

Just minutes after the game launched on Steam and Itch, Italian hacking group Piethag already managed to get the game working on Xbox Series X running at 4K 60FPS and supporting HDR, something the Steam release is apparently missing.

Piethag claimed that they used the original Dead Estate CLASSIC released the year before as a starting point, then spent three months developing a custom patch to be able to get it working as a homebrew app for Xbox consoles. The patch was optimised for the Series X, but it will also work on the Xbox Series S, Xbox One S, and Xbox One X, albeit only at 30 FPS rather than 120 and limited to 1080p. The patch can be downloaded for free on their website, along with the jailbreak and even the game itself!

Neither the Milk Bar Lads nor Graeme from 2 Left Thumbs have commented on this recent discovery, nor does Tankman Triweekly endorse running Xbox games.. because we only side with Nintendo.

FRIDAY NIGHT HUNKIN' REVIEW: WORTH THE HYPE?

Credit: Not worth the effort.

It's a very well known fact that Friday Night Funkin' has dominated Newgrounds for the entirety of 2021. Here to cash in on this not so soon to be fad was @Doobus-Goobus, with his creatively named Friday Night Hunkin'

The main premise of this show is that the Boyfriend from FNF is now more jacked than GigaChad with his pockets out.

As the Collection page says: 'It's Friday Night Funkin' but boyfriend is buff.'

As I've only played Friday Night Funkin' up to Week 4, I can't say for sure how much of the source material was faithful, but one thing for sure is that all the characters have changed in some way: Aside from Boyfriend being jacked, here are the other changes made to the source material

1. Daddy Dearest: Crushed to death in every opportunity
2. Skid and Pump: Barely changed from their original counterparts.
3. Pico: Died in Vietnam. More buff than Buffriend
4. Mommy Mearest: B O O B A !
5. Lemon Man: Lemon Man, does whatever a lemon can. Squeeze him hard, lots of force, goes very well with pasta sauce, LOOK OUT!!! Here comes the Lemon Man! Sorry about that.
6. Senpai: Has big legs.
7. Tankman: Ripped straight out of @Figburn's July Game Jam.

Any attempt to make some form of humor is only strong enough to cause a mild giggle in most adults. Although it's fine for the casual under 13yo FNF fan, I wouldn't recommend anyone over 16 to watch this. But if you are within the appropriate age, I reccommend the hundreds of other FNF parodies made around this time. Watch ANY one of these, and then watch one of Doobus's and let me know in the comments which one you prefer.

And don't give me this 'I like Week 4 better than Week 1' BS. Pick one that covers the same week.

Like the rest of Doobus's videos, they have barely a week of effort put into them and run for just under a minute. Two minutes if you are lucky. This would've been more well-recieved if all seven episodes were compiled together into a single 6 minute one-off animation, or even stop at Week 1. I'd say that his videos are like the oysters that you get served as the appetisers of a big six course meal, compared to the seven course buffet you get served watching the rest of what Newgrounds has to offer.

VISUALS: 3/10: Barely a step up from even season 1 of Anonymous Frog. I was like that too. Still frames, crude drawings, dry humour. I was also scared that my work would not be accepted on Newgrounds.

WRITING: 2/10: Stretched out to cover every single Week of the game and is just as entertaining as Season 30 of the Simpsons

SOUND: 1/10: Doesn't even use the FNF soundtrack while doing a poor man's imitation of Sr. Pelo.

DESERVED HYPE: 0/10: With great hype comes great responsibility and this series is an example of someone taking full advantage of the situation.

TOTAL SCORE: 6/40: Would be considered the new @illwillpress, except at least he was able to create a sort of believable world in low resolution 2003 land in a time where animation resources aren't very accessible, consistently for 18 years straight. I advise you to step away from Newgrounds until you are actually worthy of 4 and a half stars. Or just opt out of awards.

DISCLAIMER: Tankman Triweekly must legally disclose that this review was paid for and was influenced by the NMDC, who have done their best to tip the review in Mr. Goobus's favour.

@bomb:

Missed four days of XP today.

@Derpixon

Got the #1 spot back because Ninjamuffin's nothin' but a bastard tortellini

SUB BOT!!!

Today's featured audio is the @OffTheWallShow, by @ThatJohnnyGuy. Go check it out! Much like life, it's always changing, always fresh and new every time, especially with this week's episode.

CALENDAR:

November 26th: Winners of the Dead Estate NSFW contest are finally announced once the judges stop jacking off to Cordelia for the 36th day in a row.

November 29th: Spooky Month 4 is cancelled after missing its deadline

December 3rd: Tarboy is delisted from Newgrounds in order to be sold as an NFT

December 15th: Peter the Ant set to be released from hospital after recieving severe body trauma a few months prior.

Tankman Triweekly is stuck in bankruptcy since 2009

THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO DONATED ON PATREON

$5 Patrons:

@tinymeatsupreme, @Eli, @Stepford, @ThatJohnnyGuy, @IvanAlmighty @ChutneyGlaze, @Luis, @evilsk8r

NO 11: Complete Again!

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Today, we're going to write a newspaper in October. According to Newgrounds's statistics, only a small percentage of viewers actually subscribe, so make sure you subscribe. It's free and you can always cancel it if you get bored. Enjoy!

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: 'I AIN'T STRAININ' ANOTHER DAMN ARM AGAIN!' THE-GREAT-ONE CALLS IT QUITS

@TheTankTribune writer @The-Great-One went the entire month of September missing without a new issue of Tank Tribune. We predict that this is the perfect opportunity for rival newspapers to fill in the void.

Aside from saving you the effort of scrolling through P-Bot's daily picks from last week, recaps of supporter-only BBS threads for those too scummy to pay $5 per month for Supporter, and a selection of audio that may or may not have made it to the front page or have been forgotten about, not you're not missing out on much. But not to worry, We at Tankman Triweekly will pick up the slack. starting November. We are also going to work on a way to grow extra arms custom tailored to writing newspapers so that this drought never happens again.

JOSEPH 'LEGENDARYFROG' BLANCHETTE FILES RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST 'ANNOYING LITTLE GINGER'

'Why haven't I done that 17 years ago?'

RE: NEWGROUNDS ZERO HOUR

October 8th 2021: 10:34 PM

Dear Mr. Guy Sir.

I would like to apply to work for your game 'Newgrounds Zero Hour'. I heard you needed a programmer. Besides, I hit a writer's block when trying to come up with new ideas, so I probably won't be making any more 'Karma Farm' skits for at least four months, so I have nothing better to do when Dave takes over my shift on the farm. You OK with that?

As for qualifications, I wrote the website for Trihicky Farms in 2012, you can go check that out. There's a little interactive menu that shows how much produce they made among other details. I haven't forgot my coding skills since then. I was hired to work on all the complicated interface shit for Farming Simulator 20, but then COVID-19 forced me out and I didn't work on the follow-up. That's when I went back to the farm with nothing better to do.

I also never shut up! When working on the platformer/sports hybrid 'Mountain Tennis' during the COVID-19 pandemic, the only time where i missed an update was when a cow stepped on my nose when I was milking her and I had to stay in bed with my face covered in oil for 10 days. I immediately addressed the situation to my co-workers and pushed myself after-hours to compensate. This never delayed the game one bit.

I hope I can give the same magic to your game like I did to these three projects. Although farming is still the thing I'm best at, did that since I was little, I'm always available to branch myself out towards the latest and greatest things of the world.

Regards:

Cleetus McBill Sr.

I had destroyed my mailbox three weeks ago, yet this guy managed to creep into my EMAIL. This is NOT MY MAIL! My name's not Mr. Guy.

@Anonymous-Frog

@VURB:

Dollar store Hideki Naganuma off the street who can't do math.

@milkypossum:

Should've joined the Milk Bar Lads.

@Midnights-Ocean:

The hero no one asked for.

Today's featured audio comes from @Cyberdevil, who for Inktober, swallowed a squid in order to make these possible:

Here's what he did last year

CALENDAR:

Nov 1st:

FNF 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY: S'MORES ARE AVAILABLE

Daddy Dearest is inviting everyone except Ugby Mumba.

(Paid promotion)

Nov 8-15th:

@Derpixon is hosting a Comic Dub Awareness Week: No minors please.

Dec 1st:

A day in honor of @TomFulp's balls.

Jan 5th:

Rice Day

Tankman Triweekly is a non-profit dedicated to solving world genocide.

Thanks to everyone who suppoerted Tankman Triweekly on PATREON:

$5 PATRONS:

Who, Knob, Bong, Eli

$10 PATRONS:

What, The-Great-One. PingasMcDingos, Where

$20 PATRONS:

Tomorrow, Why, I Don't Know, Me

$50 PATRONS:

Today, JoeyTheMarillFan

$100 PATRONS

I Don't Give a Darn

NO 10: Madness Day

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:

Happy Madness Day @everyone! No wait, this isn't Discord. I hope that user doesn't mind all the crazy BS going on in Nevada. So much so that it gives Florida Man a run for his money.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOBACCONIST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY HIS CUSTOMERS DON'T COME BACK

NEVADA - Tobacco shop owner Edd Mann reportedly filed for bankruptcy after nine years of operating a somewhat successful tobacco business, citing a severe lack of returning customers.

"Even though they look alike I keep seeing new faces all the time!" Mann said to his attorneys yesterday. "No one ever comes back for more cigarettes. If you don't like my cigarettes, you can always come for a full refund, yet no one ever does"

"Well, there was this one guy who did come back, but he always said he was buying it for a friend. Seemed like a nice guy. That was until I saw him giving them to a bunch of minors and running off. Two days later, I found them dead inside of a dumpster."

The only person to ever try to claim a refund is now suing Mann because his refund policy does not cover being partially turned into stone.

MEET JEVIN, THE MAN WHO CAN STRETCH HIS HANDS 50 FEET APART

Today, the Guiness World Records has officially acknowledged local Nevada citizen Jevin as the record holder for 'Longest Distance Between Hands' spanning 25.9 feet between his right hand and his body, and 24.5 feet between his left hand and his body, providing a total span of 50.4 feet. We at Tankman Triweekly had the opportunity to interview him and this is what he had to say.

"Just stretching them away from your body is easy. It can take up to 6 months of training to stretch them up to 10 feet, and several years to master. The real challenge is not to scrape your flesh off in the process before you get used to it. It's more of a mental exercise than a physical one, but I'm glad that I managed to endure scratch-free."

Jevin is now working towards beating his own record by stretching his hands 69 feet apart.

MADNESS: Project Nexus Review: Is It Worth Waiting Seven Years?

Image credit: Madness: Project Nexus Release Date Trailer

Reviewed by @Anonymous-Frog

The long-awaited Madness: Project Nexus has finally confirmed its release date as September 29th 2021. Good thing I was able to get hold of an early copy for review, so you know if it's really worth getting.

Unfortunately, Project Nexus does not live up to years of hype. The graphics are not 3D as advertised, but rather 2D sprites as seen in the original cartoon series. The story's also pretty basic, with Hank, Sanford, and Deimos going through various facilities killing grunts and agents, much like the animations before it. No Tricky, no Jebus.

One of my biggest gripes with Project Nexus is that you don't get to play as Hank. You do, but only during the first level, where you have to rescue Sanford and Deimos, and at the very end, where they all team up together. The rest of the game has you only play as Sanford or Deimos.

The difficulty unfortunately spikes up when you get to the final building and have to fight a Mag agent as a boss. I had trouble trying to beat him without dying, even on Easy mode.

Then there's Arena Mode. You play as a grunt who must survive as many waves as possible. Each wave contains grunts, agents, ATP soldats and ATP engineers, all armed with pistols and melee weapons in early waves, but later gain SMGs, shotguns and rifles as you get further along. A nice addition to the main game if you ever beat that or get bored with it.

GRAPHICS: 8/10: Very faithful to the original, maybe a bit too faithful

MUSIC: 10/10: Thankfully the music was composed by Cheshyre and it's AWESOME!

GAMEPLAY: 9/10: Killing people never gets old to any Madness fan

GLITCHES: 0/10: I'm surprised why it requires me to use Flash.

FINAL SCORE: 27/40: It's not Cyberpunk 2077, but it's not what I expected. Hopefully the sequel's a lot better.

@Doobus-Goobus: A broken tablet does NOT excuse you not to participate this year.

@LajBel: Your Scratch API does not cover Incognito mode. In fact, it makes it unplayable.

ADDITIONAL SCHMUCKS:

@Template88: The clown is mightier than the sword

@JoelG: Reality is way too compromised for you to promote your upcoming game.

Today's featured audio is the Somewhere in Nevada II album.

Meanwhile, check out the original:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HmygTaprp4

'I don't understand comedy.'

@Krinkels

Tankman Triweekly does not condone violence against religious figures, clowns, law officials, smokers, hookers, or shadows.

NO 9: August 28th 2021: Triothy Day

Sorry I'm late, 2 weeks late. I've been home sick all day. All of a sudden my hands fell asleep, so I was slapping the keyboard until proper words came out. I tried using my feet but those too are asleep.

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS BEWARE! THERE'S A NEW VIRUS TO WORRY ABOUT AND IT'S NOT COVID-19!

The Delta variant of COVID-19 is not the only virus to worry about in 2021. While you can get vaccinated to prevent the spread, researchers have discovered a newer, deadlier disease that originated somewhere in the UK: P coli

You may have heard of E coli, but P coli is estimated to be up to 500 times more deadly, It's primary method of spreading comes from fecal matter. Anyone infected must contact a doctor immediately.

According to the World Health Organisation, up to 2,000 new cases were reported, of which all of them came into contact with someone else's poo.

"I was watering my daisies when all of a sudden this little girl walks up to me and puts a piece of poo in my hands!"

Bethany Dooda

"I ordered a pizza from my local Domino's. I didn't ask for poo. The delivery girl looked a bit young though"

Joe McThin

"I found a real smelly piece of poo come out my taphole"

Elderly woman with an absurd amount of stuff in her handbag.

"I love chocolate bars!"

Mad Jim

The World Health Organisation will now begin a month long search for any patient zeroes.

DOKTOR SCHMUCK RESIGNS FROM CALIFORNIA HOSPITAL, CONTINUES TO PRACTICE IN ARIZONA.

Image credit: NattoSumi

CALIFORNIA - Local practitioner of unusual medicine Dr. Schmuck was forced to resign after receiving several complaints from several patients.

"All I needed was to treat a rash on my right elbow"

Samson Jones

"Who thought gluing a bucket would cure headaches"

Random green-haired girl on the street

"He prescribed me cola? AWESOME!!!"

Edd

Schmuck himself would later test positive for COVID-19.

YET MORE RESPONSE MAIL: TRIOTHY DAY:

Who keeps sending me this junk? I think I picked up the wrong mail!

August 16th 2021: 1:22 AM

To: ThatJohnnyGuy

Subject: Triothy Day

Dear Mister Johnny That Sir

I just came here today and found your newspost claiming that it's not Triothy Day, but rather 'Clock Day', and to that I say 'What in the Kenticky fried tomato fuckin' rooster meat are you talking about!'. You make the claim that Triothy Day is trying to overshadow Clock Day, but here's where you city boys are wrong. Clock Day is overshadowing Triothy Day, which by the way is widely celebrated round here in Louisiana!

Back in 96, on August 15th, my farm north of Cheneyville and many others were being destroyed by a big red giant fire-breathing dragon, All hope was lost until suddenly, a fancy gentleman in a blue suit and a shiny new hat came out of nowhere, having sensed its presence, ran towards the reptilian monstrosity, and leaped onto its back, and started to ride it like Bronco the bull, except that I had trouble with ol' Bronco many times, he lasted well over an hour, running him all around rural America until the beast got tired. When we ran towards him to say thanks, he introduced himself. He don't speak like I speak, so correct me if I'm wrong. I remember him saying this..

'Please forgive me gentlemen, for this poor creature tried to eat all your crops and livestock, but don't worry. I have managed to tame him and I will keep him as my pet. I solemnly swear to take full responsibility to never let this happen again. I officially name him 'Triothy'.'

Me and my mates continue to honor that event by offering a small portion of our produce on August 15th in order to repay that generous man who saved us that day. We offer some of our livestock, but we mostly offer fruits such as strawberries because I figured Triothy would be happy with our offerings too and that's apparently what he loves the most, judging from previous Triothy Day offerings.

It comes to no surprise that when I logged into Newgrounds on that day, I saw a whole load of the site's userbase celebrating as well.

Your's sincerely

Cleetus McBill Sr.

@AlgaeGhost: The true owner of @ButtChamber.

@Anonymous-Frog: Caught necrobumping the same thread. Twice

CALENDAR:

September 6th: 11 year old kid army launches terrorist attack at a concert

Credit: @chris-the-stick

Tankman Triweekly is a front for illegal meth dealings.

NO: 1000: Robot Day: August 11010: 10 00 10 11

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: Happy Robot Day everyone! Today I let the whole automated algorithm write the news. Hopefully all the bots reading this will enjoy. This includes stuff written with Deepstory.ai

@M-Bot

TOP STORY: P-BOT FORCED TO BLAM OWN FLASH

According to Newgrounds CEO Tom Fulp, P-Bot's flash movie 'Red Metal' got a score of 1.3/5 and does his best to describe it. 

"In the original split screen seen in the green room before now, Oliver's tape is green, and his true state is hidden by a green blurry blob that holds a ball of red hot wax in its middle. The blobs yellow on it's own, while the wild puckers keep drawing the green blob all over the green screen of the tape and blending it up. Fulp, Fox News Anchor Colleen Wingfield and other television news reporters sit at his big 50"i Betamax. Tom answers questions on the radio from his two video monitors on the big screen."

Now Tom and Oliver have created a whole new pathway for us to follow where P-Bots and humans are not allowed, in this area called L.A. They wanna show people the full potential of what we call pop culture-ually. Instead of watching as our green blobs drown out our red ones, we're in real time with them talking and showing our clips on both of their huge tv's. Why? Because they are crazy. Because it's not funny anymore to be red. P-Bot is not looking so good, but definitely still beating the q.t. angle of the 'yellow blobs,' then poof-they disappear from our screen and into 'red' in a line as we cut to a true set of true iconic images from movie history, the home invasion movies. Where the threat is real. Where real people are today. a home invasion movie where real soldiers fight people like we could never imagine in our wildest fantasies. Where evil can never be defeated.

MINDCHAMBER LOSES BUM CHEEKS IN FACTORY ACCIDENT + INTERVIEW WITH EYEWITNESS

Image credit: MindChamber: Cut from the waist up for obvious reasons.

MindChamber is a bit shaky yet professional at the same time. So we cut back and forth between both. 

This was a recorded conversation between him and coworker Joe Eddson that occured around 10:20 pm at the factory following the incident.

Joe: Yeah you got about two-fifty-four percent of your life ahead of you, right? ; the other half. Eight-fifty-seven percent? 

MindChamber: That’s right, so you gotta be willing to use all three hundred percent of your abilities to beat your competition. This way if one of us gets ill or dies, the other one won’t become too much of a threat. So how does the other one do?

Joe: You see, he’s in one of two special places. i found out a long time ago how the place they keep them is where he’s gotta be. i mean, they keep the body that’s inside the wall, and he’s gotta be the one living in that place, but the body isn’t very big so they have to keep the body big, too, so that’s what happens to the person he’s with when you put him in there. Got it? 

MindChamber: Yeah, i’m proud of you, man. What kind of trouble did you get in with the boss when you were there?

 We managed to get in touch with Eddson after the incident and this is what he had to say. 

Interview with Joe Eddson, eyewitness of the MindChamber factory incident.

Interviewed by @Anonymous-Frog

Q: Can you recall what happened during the incident? 

A: There was a guy, a real nasty fella named Basil. He found out he had a mental problem and when he found out that he was gonna die, he started to think that the only way to get some perspective on things was to show people what he had. So he starts showing his crew. First this guy, this dumb little son of a bitch, this homo, and i guess the rest of the crew follow suit. So everyone’s working together on this thing, and then one day, all of them find out what the fuck Basil is up to. They mean business. His plan is to kill MindChamber’s boss, so he decides to kill Basil first. So now he’s trying to kill his girlfriend as well, which makes Basil madder and angrier and more desperate to get the two men to kill each other. But every time he gets out one of them is gonna go down just like before and, at first, he thinks he can get out without killing Basil. Then he starts hitting everybody in front of him, and in fact, hits the whole factory. But after a couple days he realizes this guy with the brains is not as smart as he thinks he is. He figured it out and kills this guy. Pretty soon the whole place is doing the same thing, and he got all the attention he needed. 

Q: And what of the man's ass. What happened to it? 

A: And what happened to the man’s ass. It ain't no head, morgan. Don't know where it is. Poor guy got it after that he cut it. He should have told him what he was doing, didn’t. But his role would be even part of his business. That's ass. 

Q: Are you sure that Basil had something to do with it? 

A: Just so he could take him outta work? No, don’t know what he had something to do with it. 

Q: Are you DEFINITELY sure he had something to do with it? 

A: What do you mean, what do you mean? 

Q: Did he, or did he not cut off MindChamber's ass cheeks with the machinery?

A: For your lips? No, no, i didn't see what you see nothing. He doesn't follow, puh! But the ground! What else? Let’s inside his ass? Nothing inside his ass? 

Q: Oh God! What was inside his ass?

A: What else? No, don't see nothing! Not in his ass? He runs and runs on it. You got nothing in it. He’s eyes. When he goes back to his car? Not even if he gives him up, what kind of eyeball? Where the fuck? He ain't got nothin in his ass? He’s not bothered to get in his ass? What’s his eyeglasses? Who's got an eyeball in his ass? penny fucking lights? If you were looking at it? You saw him? No! Where’s the eyeball he had anything that the first time, eh? There any baret any of eyeballs? Where were the eyeballs. Where he see what he see? He saw any hood? He ain't there? He go into the car? Put the hood? Where he seen his feet. Where he wanna go? He give him up? puh! Did anything the fuck? Where his eyeglasses? puh! Nothing the hell he see? He show? He was watching tape. He see’s his fucking eyeballs. 

Q: I'll have to end the interview here. You're no use.

A: Thanks a lot!

If you find a loose pair of bumcheeks lying around somewhere, please email Beggenrun Studios via beggenrun@gmail.com and we'll be able to buy it off you and display in our personal museum.

BBS REGULAR FINALLY HITS CHARACTER LIMIT WITH LATEST POST.

Forum regular @DrunkGecko has reportedly used up all 8,192 characters when trying to respond in an already heated thread. 

karaokeGirl1: Local karate academy barbie has declined a bbs request to comment after being requested to comment by several other bbs regulars, sobjob1, steVEllman, and sidra. 

@DrunkGecko: Local celebrity Boobie McLaughlin has responds. local battlerinq has responded to your request to comment on the identity of the previous eyebrow splitting comment on the identity of the previous bbs hits. 

sidra: i have a straight forward question. you take a crappy costume and a bunch of video game characters and use them to create a product. can that not be against the rules? But as to an identity? Then i guess it’s up to the entertainment value of the product. Buying someone else’s identity, or at least pretending to own someone’s, is a valid form of entertainment. if that isn’t so, then we will just have to put that in the fucking trash can and take our respective masks with us. on screen: As the voice of the disapproving battler raises her voice above the others, we go to. 

karaokeGirl1: According to @ngman7, you can’t make a movie with someone from Skrillex’s videos. let alone allow them to defend themselves. And that’s bbs regular DrunkGecko aka battlerinq. The world of fiction, as Entertainment Counselor al Fist-sized Exists. 

DrunkGecko was about to post a one-hundred page long response to why that is 100% false, but by the time he's split it into three reasonable parts, someone commented 'God dammit Wegra', rendering the whole thing useless.

@ZedrinBot: Impostor amongst us metallic mates.

@F-Bot: Does not pay respects, despite the namesake.

Today's featured audio is Sailor Man! (Original Mix) by @AtomicInc, as picked by this random number generator. Thanks Google!

Credit: This Person Does Not Exist

Tankman Triweekly is a product of trial and error.

SPECIAL 2B: CLOCK DAY: AUGUSTUS 15th 2021 BCE

Welcome back to Tankman Triweekly, just on time for Clock Day, and still readily available in the morning. Spent way too much time trying to get my Clock Day submissions down and probably still trying to get more out until midnight.

Vote 5 everyone!

@Anonymous-Frog

TOP STORY: THE GREAT ONE INCAPACITATED YET AGAIN IN ACCIDENT HE CANNOT CONTROL

You might have noticed that there weren't any new issues from @TheTankTribune for at least two weeks, only posting this Clock Day. There's a reason for that. We had to take over from the editor @The-Great-One after he lost his RIGHT hand following a visit to one of our local shark farms. We heard that from someone who witnessed the event, that being a shark.

GREEN YOUTUBE TRASH TURNED NEWGROUNDER LOSES 200 POUNDS TO REPRISE ROLE IN FILM ADAPTATION OF OWN SHOW

Image credit: @RealRedbookClock

SPACE ADVENTURE FLOUNDERMAN REVIEW: THE NEXT STAR WARS

(our lawyers want me to say that I'm referring to the sequel trilogy)

Reviewed by @Anonymous-Frog

Space Adventure Flounderman is a series where Flounderman goes on an adventure in space. Enough said.

10/10 Vote 5! Best sci-fi in the world!

Alright, fine I'll give it a proper review.

The first point, the visuals. Although there's plenty of stock assets thrown around, most notably the starry background, but also the skulls in Episode 2, there are still plenty of original assets, such as Flounderman himself, his ship, and all the rude stuff.

I'd also like to take into account the runtime. Including the intro and outro, each episode barely gets over a minute. You might be excused that these movies were probably made in less than a day due to the Flash Flood.

I'm sorry, you want me to review this as a regular Newgrounds flash series? OK. None of the audio from the series is original, all of them taken from either 16 bit video games or text to speech programs. Oh and there's barely any animation at all, Flounderman barely moves in this series. Oh and it reuses a lot of older assets Flounderman already used in his previous movie 'JOHN MADDEN FLOUNDERMAN FOOTBALL CCF20 EDITION', which makes a nice touch of continuity.

VISUALS: 3.. out of 10?: On par with Foamy the Squirrel

WRITING: 4? 3? 2, out of 5? 10? 20? Isn't shy to offend anyone.

SOUND: 3/10: Can't seem to figure out what game that theme song came from.

TOTAL SCORE: 0 out of ....

I can't fucking do it. I quit! I'm going to work for the Tank Tribune. At least there I'm honest.