NO. 22: Grand Finale

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Quick heads up! The entire editing team at Tankman Triweekly will be replaced starting tomorrow. All 150 writers, editors, illustrators, and interns will be swapped out with brand new recruits.

We're sorry to make this decision, but we've been here for a solid year and it's time for a new change. So by August, I will step down as lead editor and be swapped out by a younger and newer generation of contributors.

Also quick reminder that the Kitty Krew is still hosting a mini-contest for submissions up until August 17th. Mark your calendars and don't be shy if it's a shitpost rushed together in 2 days! Prizes include art + animation commissions from yours truly!

Anonymous-Frog

P-Bot's Daily Rejections - July 18th-31st

Did you lose out on a daily award? Yeah that sucks, especially since some big-ass names always grab the top spots. Not to worry! Tankman Triweekly are here to help, showcasing submissions that got 10th place in P-Bot's Daily Picks!

We start last week off with @NFitzgerald losing for their movie The Toon Johnnies: Part 2. They had only won once for straighthen up and fly right (S1 E3)

@lolnein lost for their movie Please Move. Despite making it on our list, it still managed a score of 3.75 / 5.

@adriendittrick and @shinlalala lost out when they made [BTNverse] The void rolls back for GMTK Jam 2022.

@corruptmodule lost with their movie HAYWIRE. This was a pretty neat experimental short film set to some slightly ear-grating music (Make sure to turn down the volume for the sake of your earphones / parents before buying the song on Bandcamp!)

Former Schmuck of the Day winner @stevetherapper lost for his movie Frog. It's no surprise since there is no colour, no FBF, it's derived from a TikTok, and heavily rushed.

"I made this animatic in the span of 3 days. It took 2 days to finish."

@SaucyFryAnimation lost for their movie When you learn the origin of the relaxing music. They are better known for making meme-ish content on YouTube rather than original animations. This is the closest (and best) work of theirs so far in our opinion.

We close the week off with @DutchWifeMedia, who didn't win anything for their movie Dicknose Episode 2

And here's this week's losers. We start off with @softcactusfilms losing for their movie Love The Moochers Pilot. It's 8 minutes long and worth a watch, but was quickly beaten out a few 'popular' authors

@NeTvoyMalchik lost out today with their movie Breakfast.

@ELE1 lost out trying to celebrate One Piece's 25th anniversary with ONE PIECE 25th Anniversary Video

Thursday's losers are @ThrJester and their team of 69 animators (not coauthored sadly) for their collab Spongebob Rise And Shine Reanimated Collab.

@SaunterWing lost for their movie Game Over: Phantom's Terrifying Tape-Down! A continue screen involving bondage, and jiggling breasts. Get over yourselves!

@FunSubs lost for Sonic the Hedgehog 2, a video game parody based on the game of the same name with crappy audio

We close the week off with @stuthemoo losing for their game Canyon Attack

What do you think of these submissions?

Sixty-Nine Degrees of Piconjo. Great New Piconjo Game by Piconjers and Non-Piconjers!

Ever heard of Six Degrees of Bacon? You know, the one based on @KevinBacon? Well @Piconjo has introduced his own version, Sixty-Nine Degrees of Piconjo.

How this works is that you can link almost any NG author back to Piconjo in no more than 69 links, via movie, game, or audio submissions on Newgrounds. The amount of links, or 'degrees' in order to get to Piconjo determines an author's Piconjo number. The higher the number, the further the separation to Piconjo.

• Piconjo himself has a Piconjo number of 0
• Authors that directly share a coauthor with Piconjo have a Piconjo number of 1
• If the lowest Piconjo number of any author with whom X has appeared in any submission is T, X's Piconjo number is T+1.
• Some authors link to no other author, and thus don't have a Piconjo number and thus have no <3

For example: @Stepford

@Stepford links to @TeraVex through Five Nights at Fulp's and Piconjo: AFK

@TeraVex links to @Piconjo through Piconjo: Teh 6aym (Full OST)

Thus, @Stepford has a Piconjo number of 2 and @TeraVex has a Piconjo number of 1

Got that? Good, here are a few more examples:

@Krinkels links to @CryNN via Somewhere in Nevada II Teaser

@CryNN links to @ThatJohnnyGuy via a Cursed Server collaboration (which includes the song 'Body Clock'

@ThatJohnnyGuy links to @Anonymous-Frog through NG Zero Hour LITE

And @Anonymous-Frog links to Piconjo through Epilogue: Rtil's Quest

Thus, @Anonymous-Frog has a Piconjo number of 1, @ThatJohnnyGuy has 2, @CryNN has 3, and Krinkels has a Piconjo number of 4.

@TomFulp links to @RebeccaDoodles through TANK DICK reanimated HD

@RebeccaDoodles links to Piconjo via Piconjoday Jam 2021

Thus @RebeccaDoodles has a Piconjo number of 1 and @TomFulp has a Piconjo number of 2!

What about teh king of all teh t0adies @LegendaryFrog? What's his Piconjo number? Well, Tankman Triweekly has the answer!

@LegendaryFrog links to @Kirbopher through NiN10Doh: ToThe64thPower

@Kirbopher links to @RGPAnims via the Rawest Forest Reanimated Collab

@RGPAnims links to @TeraVex via FulpWare

Since TeraVex has a Piconjo number of 1, that means @RGPAnims has a Piconjo number of 2, @Kirbopher is 3 and last but not least: @LegendaryFrog has a Piconjo number of 4, which means he still has some <3 within himself.

What do you think? Do j00 have a Piconjo number? Have j00 found someone else's Piconjo number? Share your results in the comments!

UPDATE (Sep 6th): We later discovered that @LegendaryFrog links to @The-Super-Flash-Bros via TSAH2

And @The-Super-Flash-Bros links to @Piconjo via The 10 Second Showcase.

Although LegendaryFrog also made a part here, this does not count as a direct link, due to limitations at the time.

Therefore, LegendaryFrog has a Piconjo number of 2, and The-Super-Flash-Bros has a Piconjo number of 1.

LATEST INTERVIEW | Griff Liquamine

Griff Liquamine is a soul-collecting demon from the 4th layer of Hell. He offers a chance of internet stardom in exchange for your soul, and claims to not be 'one of the evil ones'. In this exclusive interview, we get to find out how he does it.

Q: How did you find Newgrounds and why did you join?

A: I found it when one of my clients, who was at the time just a kid with a dream, submitted a couple of cartoons here. This must've been around 2003-2004, still some time before the Internet would forever become an essential part of life like it is today with people all around the world stuck to their screens watching pretty much any old junk. He wasn't my first client exactly, but rather the first client of mine I'd like to try something different on.

Most demons I know have for thousands of years, always tried to convince some poor soul to sell their soul to them in exchange for something cool, and then they'll get them to really nasty shit so they'll be sent to Hell when they die

How my system differs is that rather than keep a client's soul, send them to Hell, and be done with it, I can collect the personal information of every single follower of that client with ease, which most other demons don't already know about, which I can then compile and sell to other demons and/or try to pursue myself, which could end up being worth a whole lot more than just the client's soul on its own. They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but imagine if that bush has ten million birds, compared to just one in your hand. Maybe then you'd reconsider writing that quote, dumb-ass!

|

Q. What's your secret to getting your client a ton of followers?

A. Sorry, I can't delve too deep into my analytics, as those are trade secrets, but what I can tell you is that I'll usually go after young, yet still very talented individuals an offer to make them big and famous, which is good for the both of us.

And as part of that deal, I will guide my client into getting the followers that we both need, typically by implementing my own input into their endeavours.

As a demon from Hell, I can do a lot of stuff most mere mortals cannot. I know what makes people tick! But for Client #1, he got ideas for 5 minute long cartoons that are so goddamn whacky, I can't really wrap my head around them. I convinced him to keep it grounded and consistent, such as... let's say... center them all around a group of 4 friends around the same age, which apparently worked a lot better than the crap he was putting out before I showed up.

There's an old saying; "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", which even though most of the higher-ups consider it blasphemous, I've considered it true ever since it was first written, and it's definitely helped with this client.

I tend to respect my clients and allow for some creative freedom, but I still need to do the bulk of the work necessary to get them there. In fact, I might say it was pretty fun working with him.

|

Q. It appears you've only made two deals with the first lasting from 2003 to 2012, and another from 2013 to 2022. How come your deal count is so low.

A. Actually, those just happen to be the two I've spent the most time with and the two I've put on my personal portfolio I'd show to future clients. To ensure that the former can stay relevant, I need to commit to maintaining their success, which usually requires full-time, round the clock engagement, so I've typically focused on only one client at a time.

I have another 'traditional' portfolio in order to get side gigs in Hell, which consists of hundreds, if not thousands of other clients I've pretty much just ghosted for the past 18 years and only show up every now and then to see if they're doing stuff. I usually just get them to do some bad shit in order to get them into Hell the regular way, sometimes because they were already a big POS to start with.

As a result of this full-time commitment, I can't afford to take any vacations in fear that all that work we've built together comes crumbling down, and I've only ever taken ONE vacation this century, that was in late-2012 when my first client died of cancer months prior. At that time I was getting very exhausted, but by then, I had already walked home with the equivalent to $18 million from exchanging both souls and analytical data from client's followers.

|

Q. Can you tell me more about your second major client?

A. Learning from client #1, I originally wanted to take a more serious approach to this 'internet stardom' thing, but this guy, all he does is play Minecraft all day, so I had to improvise.

People watching animations is one thing, but people watching other people play games is a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

I'll quote myself 9 years ago

"If [he] had any chances to succeed and gain an audience, [he] gotta get some NFL level of training ASAP!"

Quick tip for gaining an audience. Don't be too serious, while at the same time, don't go too batshit insane, otherwise you're just gonna get a super-serious or batshit insane audience.

|

Q. According to your record, both clients died at 23 from cancer. Is this a coincidence?

A. With attention spans getting smaller and smaller every decade, older celebs or e-celebs or YouTubers or streamers, or whatever, get replaced with newer ones at a quicker pace than they did years ago. Since my clients are usually young and aspiring people, because they have so much potential and so much to learn, that's the biggest drawback to my method. If not for their early deaths, I would've had to keep that fame train going for at least half a century and it would become a serious challenge to keep an audience engaged for that long.

Not that I could've kept them both going longer, but in the long run, they both ended up as blessings in disguise. Thanks to strong support from both communities, they ended up bringing in new people posthumously, which means I managed to get some passive income

|

Q. What can we expect from Liquamine in the future?

A. I don't think I could retire with all that I've collected from both communities, but I do have plans to sign up a third client. I won't spoil the surprise, but I can assure you that he/she will not die from cancer and definitely not at 23 and I will take extra measures to ensure all the 'toxic' parts of the community, you know, the ones who ship my clients with other people and draw disgusting Rule 34s of them, or in the latter's case, continuing to make offensive or 'in bad taste' content to cash in on his death, don't get too out of hand like the last two did.

In the past, I've purchased their souls so I can get paid when they get sent to Hell, but I'll try to get more involved with them until I can find a new client to dedicate all my free time to. It's the least I could do, given that's the bare minimum required for me to keep my job.

I tend to prioritize my reputation up here on Earth with human clients rather than my peers down at Hell and I see my relationship with my internet-famous clients more as a collaborative effort. It's better than scrubbing the ashes off Satan's personal bathroom.

Liquamine works real hard in order to push this soul-selling deal onto people who he sees 'will change the future forever for the greater good', despite pressure from his less-than ethical peers. He has been rumored to have sent more souls to Heaven than Hell.

@DynamoToon

Managed to get 4.5 stars on a 9 second, seemingly unfinished and very rough sketch of an animation

@Stamper

Still a junkie. But less so compared to ten minutes ago.

Credit: @The-Great-One

"Tankman Triweekly never lives!"

Previous Issue | Next Issue | Read Everything | Follow Anonymous-Frog

Special thanks to every Patreon Supporter:

@TankmanTriweekly